Any Aspies who have kids?

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I'm not sure if this post is going to show up twice. It showed up in the recent posts list but did not in the actual forum the first time, so this is a re-post.

This is a parenting question, but doesn't fit in the parenting section because it's not about parenting an autistic kid....it's about parenting a normal one

I have Asperger's and I have a 20 month old daughter who seems neurotypical so far. This is my first child. I never wanted any kids to begin with, but, not knowing I had Asperger's, I fell for the old "everyone says that when they're younger, then when you have one, it's the best thing in the world!". Yeah, well, so far, I understand now why I didn't want one. It has not turned out to be the best thing in the world. In fact sometimes it's more of a living hell.

Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter more than anything else. Every time I look at her, I think she is the most perfect thing in the world. But I HATE being a stay at home mom. I got laid off in May and have been home with her since. My fiance works until 5pm, but even when he's here (he's an Aspie too), he relies on me for all the answers because he assumes a woman should know better what to do with a kid.

I was wondering, any people with AS who have kids, how do you/did you deal with it? I HATE having someone who is dependent on me. It literally feels like having my brain tied down...even when she's asleep, there's still that anxiety. I have gotten by so far just doing the minimum I need to do with her. She will play by herself, but lately she has been getting mad at me for not doing things with her. About every other day we go to the park or something....and I do feed her, of course, and everything else she needs....but I just can't play with her and teach her things. I'm not really sure how to explain it without sounding like I'm just insanely lazy, but I CAN'T make myself do things with her. I don't really know how to entertain her, and I think she's behind in words and communicating because I'm not teaching her. Being a parent, and especially a house wife, has always been one of the things I'd just cringe to even think of. I really can't see myself ever getting used to this, and it makes my depression almost constant. Is there any way to force yourself to make a parenting a special interest that I could enjoy? Right now it's equivalent to forcing myself to do long division problems all day (math was the subject I hated most in school). I have never been able to force myself to do things I don't want to. I would think that loving my daughter would cause me to enjoy caring for her, but for some reason, it just isn't happening.

I have 2 kids, the older is NLD and the younger has ADHD. the younger one is actually my easier child.

some days I want to cry. but when I had them, I decided the most important job in the world that I could do was raise them to be self-sufficient adults. probably the worst thing to do is isolate yourself with a child that is 100% dependent on you if you can't handle it. I actually wanted to be a SAHM, but in hindsight I think what I should have done is put my kids in part-time pre-school (my daughter got to go to a montessori school and it was awesome) and work part-time or take classes with a view to re-entering the job market.

I see a therapist to support me as a parent. so far, so good. there are also a gazillion ways to provide a social life for your daughter outside the home. they might not be the easiest for you, since they usually involve being around other people who will talk about inane things like THEIR OWN CHILDREN but they can also be a great resource for you if you can find an understanding group of parents to connect with.

also, your fiance should probably take some parenting classes because what he's doing isn't fair to you and your child.

I have two. They are both NT. The elder one is almost the antithesis of an autist: higly empathetic with high social intelligence. The younger one is a geek with autistic traits, but is not on the spectrum.

Hi,

I've got two kids and they're great (most of the time... some of the time).

Nobody would ever tell you the truth about kids because;

a. Childless people never believe it.
b. It would lead humanity to extinction

It gets worse - the terrible twos (and threes) but then it gets better.

Hang in there.

How did we cope ... well, my wife got bad post-natal depression and our marriage almost fell apart.

Somehow we survived and the rebuilding didn't start until after the 18 month mark, at which point we first realised that the problem was PND.

I hope you don't mind my saying so but your post sounds a little like you could have a touch of it yourself. It's not like in the movies, you don't pack the car up and leave home. It's more of a general depression, a feeling that your life isn't going the way you expected - or that if you could go back, you'd change things.

It's a weighty depression - and both males and females suffer from it... often in silence and often at the same time without realising it.

To overcome the depression, you need to see someone who specialises in it. I'd suggest you go by yourself for a few visits and then perhaps bring your husband along. It's worth it.

Four children, one of whom is an Aspie. Five grandchildren. I think they are NTs. One of my grand children exhibit NLD earlier in his life, but he is more "normal" now.

All the children and grand children are very intelligent and one of them is a very talented artist. My daughter is a toy making genius. She is the Mother of Fisher-Price Little People (tm) second generation.

ruveyn

Howdy, Cowgirl!

I have a 2-year-old and I just recently found out that I'm probably AS. I do enjoy being a mother, and I'm thoroughly obsessional about infant development especially speech and interaction.

A book that I love is "Baby Talk" which is available all over the world. The author is Sally Ward. It describes a speech development programme that you do at home. The programme is designed to prevent or treat speech delay, and complements any formal treatment. It is a daily half an hour of play in a quiet room, just mother and baby. I have summarised it in another web forum and have several mothers who have used it tell me that they enjoy it and their child's speech started improving. One mother who is very quiet said it was much easier to do this intensive half an hour instead of trying to talk to her son all the time.

My DD goes to a childminder three days a week. It's like family for her, she has a friend the same age who people think is her twin, and she has older and younger children that she sees regularly in a small group setting in an ordinary family home - perfect. The childminder takes DD to toddler groups, and also does lots of activities like art, messy play, trips to the park and so on.

With this set-up I don't have to socialise, I just have to talk to the childminder and say hallo to two other mothers. It's not like sitting in a noisy playgroup for a couple of hours with other mums who seem to be able to have a conversation over the noise.

While DD is at the childminder's, I'm supposed to be working from home. This has been a bit harder but it's okay. When I have no work I do housework, and that helps me keep on top of it all. The worst aspect of having a child is I never needed my house to be so clean and it has never been so dirty and dusty. I had to pay a cleaner at one point to get it together and apart from finding it too too much having a stranger clean my house, her pay is three times the childminders (because the childminder looks after several children her total earnings are quite high and she is well qualified, much better than many nursery nurses.)

Edited to add: What are your special interests and could you adapt them for a toddler? eg I work on town planning and urban design, so I do discuss the pavements, drains, trees, walls, whatever with DD... might sound mad but they are fascinated by everything.

Hope this helps.

I have two grown sons, both of them NT, though one has some aspie qualities. I didn't plan on having either of them and wasn't a particularly good mother. I took good care of their physical needs, but I don't think it ever occured to me that they needed more. Part of that might have been because I grew up with very distant parents who were mostly hands-off in how they brought up me and my sibs. I didn't learn anything about normal parenting, and of course, I didn't have a clue about my own lack of emotional responsiveness. Luckily, my husband provided the "extras."

Since you're aware of the problem, my best advice is to go at it slowly. Find one aspect of child rearing that you can learn about and start doing. Then add another. Hopefully, your partner will be able to fill in some of the gaps.

I have AS and two children. The older one has atypical autism, the younger one is likely NT but he's only 16 months old.

I hear you about the stay-at-home mom thing. For a while I really enjoyed it, just making the world really small and snug, but after a while I felt suffocated. I'd say a part-time nursery or evening classes will probably really help. Even a small outing helps if you get it on a regular basis. As far as the playing goes, I know what you mean there too. I love cuddling and joking with my kids, but I'm bad at playing, I just either build stuff, like train tracks or lego blocks, or I organize things, but I never really play. I feel bad about it because my oldest son is just starting to be interested in it, but he needs practice because of his ASD and I really suck at this roleplaying thing, it just bores me to tears. Luckily, his day-care teacher takes care of that.

I'd say your daughter will probably be happy if you just sit next to her while she's playing. NT kids don't relly play WITH each other until they're 2 or 3, before than they just play NEXT TO each other. Try and find something you liked to do yourself as a kid, like swings, building, puzzles or piling stuff. She'll probably get into it too.

The best thing is other kids though. Nobody can play as enthusiastically with a toddler as another toddler. But if she's getting whiny, it might very well be because she's picking up on your depression, not because she needs more play-time. Ask for help if there's people available! Everyone's a rookie the first time and I think NT parents often feel the same way you do.

Good luck!

AS mom with those three average NT children topic

That is me. I hope I have at least ONE AS grandchild.

I know your pain about being the stay at home mom. Most men just depend on the women to figure out all the problems with kids, so it's not an Aspie thing with your man.

What has helped me with my husband and "sharing the load." First of all, we give ownership to certain chores. My husband is in charge of giving the kids baths. I do that once in a while, but the task belongs to the husband. Diapers are something that are just changed when needed, and whoever notices just does it. Sometimes I make him change a poopy diaper cause I'm pregnant again, and I can. Feeding the kids is my responsibility. Sometimes he feeds them just as sometimes I give them baths, but in the end it is my responsibility. I can get into it at times researching nutrition and applying that research into their diet, but nine times out of ten, the eat what they want to or will eat. Just some examples of the duties.

Second, we give each other time off. My husband is a guitar player in a band (mainly garage band). He goes to practice once a week (sometimes more). He gets to drink beer at practice with the guys. It's fun for him and he gets out of the house. I don't have a weekly thing I do, but when I need to get out, I do and husband doesn't argue it. Sometimes I go out to the club with my friends. Others I just go grocery shopping by myself and it's enough. Sometimes I sneak off in the car to the river ramp, and just sit and stare at the river listening to the radio and smoke a couple cigarettes. I sneak off when I'm "grocery shopping." My husband is sitting here now going "Oh really?" LOL

Third, we clean together. Kids are messy, and at that age, the parents clean up. My husband and I get together and clean at the same time. It's fun to argue about the music we listen to, and it's more fun to clean and flirt at the same time, and being silly too. This started with me motivating him the way I would a teenager, but now we both motivate each other.

Fourth, Family Movie Night. I love doing this. We either cook a nice dinner or go get take out, and we make sure we have a bunch of junk food to munch on afterwards and all watch a movie together that we all like and the kids are allowed to watch. They are too young to really watch the whole movie, but they enjoy the junk food and making a mess. They also enjoy cuddling time. It's almost like a vacation where it's stressful but worth it at the same time.

We both got lazy with their speech, so we looked into the Birth to Three program (just about every state in the US has something like it), and we have a speech therapist that sees them for free. She comes to our home on average twice a week, and we usually sit with her as she works with the kids (this week has been different since we are moving), but she gives us wonderful easy things to do to help their speech. One thing that helps is to talk as you do things. Always point and give a word when possible. Like point at baby's nose and say nose, then point at your nose and say nose. Repetition is very important with speech.

For my stay at home sanity, I get online a lot. The WP is very therapeutic, and open for interruptions. There are also many ways to earn income from home online now. Many are scams, but some are pretty good. Here's a good website for it... http://www.ratracerebellion.com

Also, this might be a good time for you to consider going back to school. I don't know what you are looking at with your current educational background, but even taking some online classes might help break your day a bit better.

You can try to make parenting your special interest. Start researching about parenting issues online and see if anything jumps out at you that you are interested in. Another thing you can do is include your child in your special interests/hobbies. I like to draw and paint, and so does my two year old. My one year old enjoys watching us.

Kids also need routine, so establish some routines with your child and stick to it. I also have my morning routine that my kids have no respect for, but I still try to do it. I'm still working on this morning's routine, and I started at 8 AM, and now it's 1:30 in the afternoon. Hmmm, got interrupted a lot. Anyway, the routines with the kids are just as important to me as my own routines I do.

Also, patience is very important. When your child is crying, there's a reason. Until the child can speak where you understand her, it is your burden to figure out what that reason is. I remember many a night with a crying baby trying everything for hours upon end. Then, when I pass that moment of "GOD PLEASE HELP ME" and I'm in tears, I find out the milk isn't going through the nipple on the bottle and the baby was hungry. I also notice yelling makes a crying child cry harder (my husband's initial reaction is to yell sometimes), and children are very in tune with you, so when you are stressed, child is stressed. When you are scared, child is scared.

Also it helps me to get a nap in making my husband watch the kids while I nap.

I hope this advice helps. Sorry so long, but I can totally understand some of what you were saying. Oh yeah, kids do well with other kids. Like they learn from each other better than they learn from adults. So the advice LipstickKiller gave about that I totally agree with. Anyway you can get your child around other children is good. Maybe look into daycare and early pre-school (some do one year olds and don't require them being potty trained, but they are hard to find). Also, even just joining a church with a nursery might be beneficial.