Fraternity

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School will begin shortly and I am excited about a new year. I am considering joining a fraternity (I’m in college). I've already been to a few events to one of the houses that I am thinking about joining and I have found that I am too quiet and I feel awkward because of not knowing what to say when people are talking. The other problem that I foresee is my motor clumsiness and rigidity. This can be especially problematic when it comes to things like sports or just general things that are meant to be fun but those around me think that I need to loosen up and enjoy myself, even though I really am (I just may not show it in the same way as everyone else). I've already decided to rush so if you're going to comment, don't tell me that I shouldn't. What can I do to help fit in better?

Also, I am in contact with an alum of one of the houses that I'm thinking about joining and he happens to be a chapter adviser for them. I have only spoken to him online but he said he would do what he can to help. He asked "what exactly is your difference" and I am not sure how to explain how Asperger's effects me during these situations (I know it is different for everybody, but perhaps you could explain how you think that you would be different in this situation and I can edit it accordingly when I talk to him again). This guy could be my key to getting in.

Unless the fraternity has activities that interest you greatly, I would avoid fraternities. I've observed frat rats and seen the conformity involved. I doubt that you have the ability to conform, just like the rest of us. They probably wouldn't take you anyway because you're too different.

I suggest that you wait until you actually start college and join clubs that interest you. The commitment is minimal, so you can try different ones to see what you like. Also, don't discount the informal relationships that you'll have. It would be really great if you could get a social intelligence coach, and also very difficult. I had one for about 3 months, when she broke up with me.

Ironically, I was asked to join a fraternity in college. The chapter was on the verge of elimination, so they needed male bodies. I didn't want to associate with those jerks any more than I had to. So, their chapter died.

I mean really people. In any case, I'm already in college and have club involvement I just didn't have time rush last year.

I was in a faternity. It was the Stanford band frat, so it wasn't exactly the typical frat experience. And I'm currently in a rugby club, which is similar to a frat in a lot of ways (at least ours is).

You need to pick a frat that you will fit into, and be as clear as you can with them about how your brain is different. Write a one page users manual. Be very specific, like the need to separate emotional content from information, and the need to be direct, and the time lag that makes you clumsier when you have to process more sensory information, and that you don't do small talk but can be happy just standing with your friends doing nothing and sometimes listening to their conversations, or whatever. There's a users manual thread here somewhere.

Once they know you and how you work, they will protect you and support you, and help you learn work-arounds (you can practise on them). And they'll understand that you're giving more to them than they're giving to you.

The computer analogies for the different brain wiring work really well. Bandwidth, post-processing, etc. You'll have to tune the details to your individual characteristics.

A tip about sports: Muscle memory isn't effected by our sensory bandwidth limitations. The more you train your muscles to respond automatically, the less you experience the time-lag related lack of coordination. It's a different way of learning sports, and it takes a lot of time and practice, but it really works.

Buller, Buller...Anyone, Anyone

i was in one during my college experience in upstate new york.....and what i realized is it really depends on the fraternity and who's in it. I always prided myself on being the only aspie or non-nt in greek life but i came to the conclusion that our fraternity were the other guy fraternity and the more i thought about it no one in it was NT....they weren't aspie either but they had other stuff that made them abnormal. If its a group of guys that define the norm it may be of interest than.

Also i agree about the user manual. Teach them as much about aspergers as u can. They may be intrigued by it. If you have any other questions, let me know

Well, okay, I won't, but I will tell you that you may be in for an overwhelming social experience. What is it that you find so appealing about fraternities that makes you so hellbent on joining?

I can't speak to social fraternities, but I can speak to the service fraternity I was involved with in college. It was a fantastic experience. I considered it to be far more desirable than a social fraternity experience would have been. For one, we didn't all live together in a house. That takes a great amount of the social pressure off. Secondly, it was co-ed, so it meant being able to be buddies with both genders without the whole formal "pairing up" process. Third, it meant we were our own group and didn't have to conform to the rest of the Greek system. Fourth, we spent a lot of time doing service projects and bonding with each other at those projects. And, well, that's just a ton of fun.

My service fraternity was actually the first place where I felt like I was well-liked by everyone. We had a few folks who were also in social fraternities. The one fellow I am thinking about really hated it. He went in thinking it would be a great experience, but then he found us and realize that he wanted out. It was a messy situation, I believe, because he was in the house and no one really liked him.