You want to be nice but can't show it?

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Does anyone else feel that they intend to be nice to others but are always caught up in their own world and can't find the opportunities for the nice gestures? I mean like sometimes I tend to daydream and not realise whats happening around me and its not likely I will say lots of nice things because I have trouble thinking about things to say. But I guess thats a good thing because if you say nice comments but don't do nice things for others, that means that all you do is "talk the talk" but don't "walk the walk".

I also have trouble putting myself in others' shoes.

It's not that I'm too caught up in my own world, but rather my social ineptitude and anxiety makes it too difficult to return other people's friendliness, and that tends to get mistaken for rudeness. It's led to me feeling a lot of guilt or shame at times, where nice people at work have attempted to make friends, but I always automatically find a way to end any exchange as soon as possible out of nervousness. I want to show that I appreciate their efforts to reach out, but if anything I usually end up showing the opposite.

It's something that's always bothered me. I feel I'm a genuinely good and kind person inside, but in the NT world my withdrawn behaviour doesn't reflect that at all.

Leander has said pretty much exactly what I was going to say.
All I would add.

I do think of others feeling as best I can interpretate them and try to accommodate them best I can (which often isn't very well in reality though mainly due to missed ques or wrong interpretation of the ones I do see). It's the 'special events' like birthdays and Christmas etc when I'm expected to give gifts and be 'extra' nice to everyone that I fall to pieces.

Buying a present stresses me no end (I can never find anything I think is good enough to give to the person I'm buying it for and end up getting nothing instead.) Then when the 'special' day arrives and I've got no present, I fell guilty because they think I just didn't bother. Even if I try to make up for it with being 'extra nice' it is seen as just trying to make up for a discretion that can't be overlooked anyway and makes it worse, so I don't even bother trying anymore. I don't blame them for feeling the way they do. After all, in their mind, I don't care enough about them to even buy a present. I just wish they could understand that's not the case at all.......it's the opposite.
I try and avoid the 'special events' any way I can now. In the long run It's the option that I cop the least repercussions from when people interpretate my actions the way they do.

I can't remember finding a gift I bought and gave to someone ever. Every 'special' day I feel and get treated like a total a** and never have fun.


Peace ellomo

It's like I'm data from TNG. I try to be a sweet and nice caring person, but always screws up. It's like I'm some kind of wacky an nice guy like Urkle, but come across as a clumsy pest, but helpful pest. Then I get frustrated at my lack of motor and coordination. Then I end up POing people even more. Especially when I talk then I become selective mute. My voice is very uneven very high pitched, not practiced enough, compared to having a very soft voice.

I'm not sure if I'm answering this question properly......

I've been told the same. And I do adore Data for exactly those reasons. Seeing him make the same social mistakes I do seems to


When I can actually get myself to do such a thing, it comes out awkward and usually much to formal (or so people tell me). I'll say something along the lines of "I value our relationship." which to me still sounds fine and a genuine thing to say, but when it is said (or something else of the same nature) I tend to get laughed at as though I weren't being serious but making a joke. Maybe it's the timing, the way I say it or even that it's not the right thing to say -- I don't know. When that happens I get discouraged and don't really try again.

As well, I'll not realize that someone expects something or not realize that I'm supposed to do a particular action in a situation that is considered the norm (someone mentioned holidays and I'll second that adding birthdays and anniversaries to the list).

As well, I have a few friends who seem to always want to show their affection physically (hugging, ect.) and I blatantly refuse to do so.

I've read about 'Love Lanugages' and the basic principle is that different people have different ways in which they show care, affection and friendliness towards others. I can't remember it exactly, but it was something like...

Some people tend to show love or care by giving. It might be something like a birthday present, or just a cup of coffee, lending a pen, sharing etc. Others show their care by 'doing'. So, for example, fixing your friend's computer, doing the washing up. Others show their care by spending time with the other person. Maybe others express in words, how they appreciate the other person.

I think the idea is that people generally have a dominant style, or 'love language'. All are legitimate and good, but there is some balance to be met sometimes. For example, if someone gave lots of presents to their friend, but didn't spend any time with them, the friend might feel the gifts are meaningless, because the person doesn't like them enough to want to be around them. Or, maybe another example could be, if a wife got upset because her husband never tells her he loves her, but he is confused at why she is upset because, to him, he shows his love everyday by earning money for the family, and spending weekends doing household jobs. He is showing his love by doing.

When you know a person's style, it can be easier to realise they are showing friendliness in the way they do that best. And it helps you to estimate how they might perceive what you do for them.

I tend to find it difficult to express affection in mature and appropriate ways. I once told someone I had missed them, and everyone laughed because the context and tone of voice made it sound like I was hitting on them! But it was ok, we were all good enough friends and they knew I hadn't meant it like that. But I have found myself in worse situations because of misjudging things.

Result is though, I tend to rely on more child-like ways of showing affection, because it seems the 'safer' option. I have told people, quite casually, 'I like you'. I like to show people my toys. (Special interest). I tend to be very generous. I share my things. So, ror example, we went to the park and I packed extra picnic food, sun cream and my nerf ball, so I had things to offer friends. I find it easier to throw a ball with someone, or offer food, than I do to hold a conversation.

The best recent example though, was when I had a friend whose birthday it was, but they don't like cake or sweet food and they eat healthy things. So I made them a birthday lettuce. I decorated a small box with wrapping paper and lined it with pretty wrapping plastic and put some bubble-wrap in the bottom. Then I stuck number-shaped candles and normal candles in
lettuce. They thought it was cool. But I did explain it to them and they do know me well enough to know my sense of humour and appreciate it.

A really good way though, is to remember something a friend spoke about that was significant to them and ask them how it went (as long as it's not tooo personal). For example, maybe they had a job interview or went on holiday, were worried or excited about something. I sent a text recently, saying I hoped (an event) had gone well, and I got a really positive response.

I'm just not a talkative person when it comes to feelings. With my girlfriends I prefer to use certain actions which they like to explain. With my parents I just don't feel comfortable with it and half the time I'm too mad about something they said about me freeloading off of them. With male friends it's just the whole male pride/"dude that's gay" thing. With female friends it's I don't want to lead her into thinking I think something more of her or I don't want to anger her bf.

Basically, I make a crap-ton of excuses so nobody has to know how postively I view them.

Yup, I'm like this, and I get called selfish and lazy a lot as a result.

i figure (hope?) people know that i mean well.

i generally don't know how to express it so they will understand.