''Wow; I was a real social dunce back then.''

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Do you ever look back and think, Wow; how could I have been so socially and emotionally ret*d back then? How could I not have picked up these things that are so easy and obvious to me now? I feel that way a lot.

Yep. All the time.

Totally.

But I also sometimes think about things that happened, say, yesterday.

Yup!

This is where a good bunch of my severe depression stems from.

Gawd yes. Interestingly, though, although a lot of these unpleasant memories just make me feel like a moron, I think my cluelessness protected me a lot of the time, too.

Example: it wasn't until well into adulthood that I realized what was actually meant by some of the 'teasing' I received in junior high and high school, specifically things said to me and in my presence by boys who were supposedly my friends. It was (I now know) sexual harassment, which I'm sure is quite normal for boys that age, but had I known at the time what their statements really meant I would've been very hurt and scared of them. I remember a kind teacher once pulling me aside and trying to talk to me about it, obviously seeing what a naive pathetic thing I was, but I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about.

A few months ago I received an email from one of those boys apologizing for being so cruel to me back then, that it had haunted him for years. I thought it was interesting that it was so large in his mind, but barely a vague unimportant memory in mine - that it had affected him a lot more than me - and I feel I have my "social/emotional retardedness" to thank for that. It's a real double-edged sword.

Elaborate! I know that that's where a lot of my social anxiety (and depression) stemmed from. I think I may be like you.

What's worse for me is watching myself continue to do socially ret*d stuff, but whenever I'm in the moment of the interaction, I can't seem to help it. I can think about it later and be like "darn, I should have said _________".. but at the time, something dumb always comes out of my mouth.

Oh definitely. I think back over social situations big and small and think if only I did this, it was so easy. I think about reliving my life all the time.

Who knows what my social / emotional awareness level really is?

I've avoided the EQ test because I don't like failing things and am simply unsure of how good or bad my emotional quotient is. Of course we all like to think we're good enough at it ...

Absolutely... I would do this every so often. . I would say it at the beginning of a new year "I'm not going to act like that anymore." Then I would say it to myself again a couple months later.

It takes me days to figure out what I do wrong and even after all that, I still manage to do it again. I don't try as hard to be socially acceptable because it's just not going to happen.

I avoid this problem by having no social life.

There are situations in which I know how to behave... mainly work related, etc. Outside of those situations, I don't bother to go. I've learned at least that I never learn.

This is so very me, too! In that social moment, even with my internal coach constantly issuing instructions, I can't manage to keep any consistent social smoothness going... I run out of energy, lose focus, screw up the timing... and because I dread those dumb things spilling from my mouth I so often just freeze up and say nothing, which is usually wrong, too. But for me, awkward silence is preferable to the alternative.


Boy howdy to both of these ^ I avoid and evade to the best of my ability. But sometimes those damn social occasions come and find me wherever I'm hiding.

I've learned a lot about 'how to do it' in all my years, but it always amazes me how the 'execution' of that knowledge never seems to get any smoother or easier.

There have been times when I've thought back on things that happened 20-25 years ago, and it suddenly dawns on me that a girl was trying to show she was interested in me. I don't pick up on subtle hints, so all of that was completely lost on me at the time.

What I think is quite "funny" is that, after years of research, intellectualizing and experience, suddenly some social concept will dawn on me and I'll figure something out about what's really going on. It's like a new revelation. But when I explain it to other people, it turns out it was really an "easy" thing that everyone else seemed to know all along.