How do you "break up" with a friend-looking for th

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How do you "break up" with a friend? I'm looking for the right words to use.

For the past week, we haven't been around them, and she called me to tell me she is rather depressed because we haven't been around. During that week, I felt just fine and it didn't bother me one bit to not be around them all of the time.

Now, keep in mind, I've had my fair share of issues with her daughter and her parenting skills for a while now, as we have been hanging out since the beginning of the summer.

Tonight, we went to some thing at church, a social gettogether of sorts. I was quite overwhelmed since it wasn't very structured at all to begin with... but then we find them in the group and sit by them. Her child has what appears to be "spoiled brat syndrome".... the 8 year old cried for 30 minutes straight over not getting seconds on ice cream, not getting as much as everyone else, etc. It was really irritating.... and mommy, after many threats to just up and leave if she didn't stop, went up and took care of everything every time.

Then, at the end of the night, she (the daughter) comes up to tell me "Zack was hurting me on the bus". Now, this girl calls my house randomly to talk to me ALL DAY LONG, so when she called after getting off of the bus, I didn't bother to answer it today. This girl also is constantly doing this thing where she says "I have something to tell you about Zack, but I'm not going to right now 'cuz I don't want to say it in front of him".... so when she called today, I didn't touch the phone, because I figured it was her wanting to talk about Zack, or she was just being... well, annoying.

She called, I kid you not, 50 times at least, most were hang ups, 7 messages were left by her between 3:30 and 4:00. She was calling back to back, non-stop.

So when she says this at the end, I ask her why didn't she tell me sooner than 3 hours later. Her mom pipes up to her defense "Well, she TRIED calling, but no one answered the phone."

I'm at my wits end with these people ultimately. I need to know how do I tell her that I'm tired of her kid, and watching her spoil her kid rotten, and her kid bullying mine (as he can always hear it when she does the "I have something to tell you about Zack" thing right in front of him)... how do I tell her without just going off on her about everything all at once?

I thought a lot about it.

Have any of you ever watched George on Seinfield? I think what it's gonna come to, is I'm just going to say "Sorry, this isn't working out between us" and attempt to leave it at that. That way kids are not brought into it, and that may lessen the animosity caused by this.

Chances are, she's going to ask more, and again, like George, I'll probably just say "yeah, that's great, listen, I have to go."

I just really don't want the kids involved and don't want to wind up in a huge huge argument because my main issues are with her child (what parent isn't going to be bothered/angered about something pertaining to their child?).

My second option, is to just stop answering the phone when they call... and break it off slowly. Hope she gets the hint.

What do you guys think?

Tell her you do not wish to see her and give her the reasons why.

Doesn't matter if it's a classic Aspergerish monologue that sounds like a list. You have your own life to take care of.

Thank you very much. This is an issue that has been on/off for a while now, and last night's incident just confirmed what I was thinking.

I have seasonal depression, and at first thought that might be why it's bothering me so incredibly much, but the more I vent about it, the more I find others are agreeing with me (even if it is only on a forum). It's nice to know it's not just a "me" thing, being weird or something about it all.

Every time I've been around them-the past few times, I find myself on edge constantly... just waiting for the kid to start crying to get what she wants. Just waiting for the empty threats to start, waiting for the backtalk, waiting for her to start whining about my son humming or rocking back and forth... it's very obnoxious, and by the time I'm done dealing with them, I wind up over the top in stress level, feeling nauseous literally afterward.

Is it possible to demote the relationship status to just friendly acquaintances? I say this, because I have been in situations before where someone was irritating me, and I saw it as black, and white. Either, I continue to be their close friend, or not at all. Sometimes, when I'd chosen the not at all stance I realized that maybe my reaction was over the top. Especially, if this family is a part of a larger social network that you still intend to be a part of. It can really create some awkward situations at social gatherings where those people will be there.

Some of what you said is definitely what anyone would consider intolerable behavior. I think you've failed to set any boundaries with this lady, and she is most definitely the type that needs firm boundaries! You can talk to her about the frequency of her daughter's phone calls. Saying that you can't talk on the phone during certain times because you're helping your son with homework, cleaning, studying... any excuse. Really, it's not an excuse, because I'm sure that you DO have things that you need to do rather than talk to an 8 yo on the phone all day. If she knows about your AS, then you can maybe say that you need more alone time then you've been getting. I don't know if that's how you feel, but I personally, would've lost it if I had someone trying to socialize with me that frequently. In the spirit of being a friendly acquaintance, try to only socialize with them while in groups. It may make it easier to get away, and it's more structured. Usually functions only last so long, then everyone goes home. It's different when you are socializing one on one. There's no preset time to end the engagement.

I don't think confronting her about her child will have a good outcome, either. I think addressing situations that come up, like the phone issue, is probably the best way to go. Setting boundaries isn't the same as coming out, and telling someone that their kid is a spoiled brat. The phone thing seems strange to me, because I've known a lot of 8 yo little girls that barely knew how to use the phone to call home. It just strikes me as odd that she's using the phone so much all by herself without help from her mother. Honestly, the mother sounds a bit unstable, which is another reason that I'd suggest going the friendly acquaintances route. If you ease away slowly, and gently she may not get as offended, and things can still be amicable between you both.

Yes, the phone thing really does strike many many as odd... the more I talk about it, the more that is pointed out, and then, there is the question of "why does the mother ALLOW her to call that much?"

Yeah, I would like to keep it somewhat... well, friendly acquaintances exactly as you stated it. They are nice people, don't get me wrong... I just can't stand being around them any longer on a regular basis and watch it go on while biting my tongue constantly.

I've decided her snapping back at me last night... probably means the feeling is becoming mutual. She's never snapped in defense to anything her daughter was doing before, and last night that was just really out of character for her. When I got home and checked my messages, all 7 that she left were just "is Zack going to church tonight?" Nothing more, nothing less... which just encourages my spoiled brat syndrome theory on her daughter.

I asked my son what he did on the bus, and he swore up and down in front of them that he did nothing, and whatever the girl was going to say was a lie because he didn't touch her. With how much this kid tattles on everyone just to get pleasure out of watching them get into trouble, I would not doubt she was working up a good story. He is normally the one when confronted in front of them who will say "I kicked her 2 times because she hit me". Very matter of fact, very bluntly fesses up... so him defending himself so much on the issue.... It just really disturbs me that this little girl wants to stir up so much trouble by making things up all of the time or whining about things that aren't even effecting her.

So her mother snapped back at me to defend a story that was made up just to see someone get into trouble... and apparently, she didn't even know about it.

I find it odd too, that she is calling me the second she gets off of that bus rather than talking to her mom about her day, and starting her homework and such. Trying to get my son into trouble all of the time apparently is number one priority these days for her, and I'm just fed up with it.

She's picking on him for things like humming, rocking, etc. I'll separate them, and tell her to stand by her mom, and keep him by me, at times. She will walk over to us, just to annoy him, then whine when he retaliates. Mother never says a word.

*****

I must wonder... if my luck with choosing friends is ever going to get any better, lol. Every one I've had so far has pushed me around or been a user. /sigh

If you enjoy this lady's company, and it's mostly just her daughter that's causing the problems, then can you possible try to get around it by socializing with her without kids? Girl's night out, where you go out to eat, or whatever, things like that. I just really feel bad for your son. Being picked on like that must be hard for him, and for you as his mom. I think you handled much calmer than I would've. I think I'd lost it by now, and would've gone off if someone was talking to my son like that. I've kicked my daughter's friends out for that kind of behavior. I've outright told them that if they can't be respectful of ALL the people that live in our house, then don't come inside.

And, yeah, I have the same problem with finding decent friends. I think it's because I don't stand up for myself, and lay out boundaries. NTs would've nipped much of what you wrote about in the bud before it got anywhere near this far. I think since sometimes we don't know what is normal, and what isn't we let things go, and people use us, or walk all over us. Sometimes, I don't know if they even know that they're doing it. Since, we never say much until we reach break point, they don't know that they've done anything to bother us. They assume that everything is okay. It's hard for me to always identify when something is bothering me. By the time that I figure out that someone is treating me in a way that I don't like the relationship is already established a pattern of being that way for awhile.

Exactly... that does seem to be the problem-the fact that this IS the way things are now, and I've let it get this way.

Granted, I have tried talking to her.... I've tried hinting to her (I'm not good at it, but I've tried) by saying "you know... during this past week when we were working on our routines, Libby and Zack got along much better than when we are around other people"... meaning when they start fighting horribly is always when her daughter is around. But I'm pretty sure she either ignored the implication or I just didn't hint it correctly, lol.

I've tried giving them books on AS to understand it better, and have been blown off.

I've tried giving her social stories to have her daughter read before entering our house, she's blown them off.

Every time I've mentioned anything, I've been blown off and there's always been an excuse made for the behavior.

I just don't see it changing, and with me having so many issues with her parenting, I don't think I could do much with just the 2 of us anyway, because there would always be that about her that I don't care for.

I do see her being very fake with people often as well. Griping about everything in a situation one minute then all of a sudden "oh, we are having a wonderful time! I can't wait until the next event." While I'm telling people flat out that I'm not happy in the situation and I won't be back, lol. I can't do the fake thing, and often wonder how many times she has "tolerated" me, as I have her. Even though I've said things to her flat out, she always has this somewhat... not genuine feeling I'm left with after talking with her, and through her actions vs. what she has said about teaching her daughter and talking with her and all... I just don't think it would be possible in all honesty.

Just say that you're familiar with the experiences of Asperger's Syndrome, and were pushed around constantly as a kid. Now that you have the impression of her kid doing it to yours, you're getting very defensive, and you'd prefer they not come over until you feel more comfortable about it.