When you get too tired...

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I haven't posted much since I've been away, studying abroad.
But what do you do when you get too tired to keep assimilating? Every second of every conversation I have to translate my thoughts, suppress what I really want to say, try to figure out what I'm supposed to say. I have to force facial expressions onto my face and do all sorts of things consciously to be able to pass as "normal," which I only do because I used to be terrified of being alone. It wasn't like I was trying to be someone who I wasn't. It was more like I was born into a world I didn't belong to and given a choice: sink or swim. And I thought the only way to swim was to adapt to society. I guess it worked the way I wanted it to in that I evaded teasing, evaded being bullied, evaded being branded as different. But I still never was included that much. When I was in elementary school I used to tell myself that I was invisible, but I never said it aloud. I always kept my true identity hidden.

So I fell into this deep depression last year, because I was too tired to keep it up, because I felt like I was living a double life. And of course, I realized that even with all of my adaptations I can't really pass that well as "normal" anyway. People always know that there's something different about you. And sooner or later even my best friends got annoyed with me and slowly started to drift away, and I watched them drift off and tried to stop it, but there was nothing I could do about it. It wasn't like I didn't try. It's just that nothing can change me, and no matter what happens I'll never be able to understand most people or how they think or why they talk about the things they do.

I got out of my depression by studying abroad. While I was away I got back to my true self, which I've been suppressing all these years, and I realized that I could survive by being myself.

But now I'm back in college, and I still feel like an alien born on the wrong planet. My friends still give me weird looks, they don't call me anymore, and of course they're not really my friends anymore. We're more like strangers now.

But I feel like there's no way to go on. (Don't be misled, I've never had suicidal thoughts; this isn't about that.) I can't make new friends easily, especially not now that I'm myself. But I am unwilling to change now. "I am who I am." Everyone else gets along so easily in society and it seems like I'm the only one who's sinking, and there's no way out, and no way up, and the people who were supposed to care left me in all this unhappiness. Where is the path? Where am I supposed to go?

And everything just hurts.

I go to bed as soon as possible.

I know exactly how you're feeling, their's somedays where I have to force myself just to get out of bed.

It seems even at the age of 21 I still get teased I have also been at my school for over 6 months and have not made that many friends. Everything seems so hopeless. Everyone will misunderstand me the rest of my whole life, and because of this I will never be sucessful no matter how hard i try.

So sometimes I feel like just giving up, not commiting suicide, but just laying in my bed and not getting up. Life seems like such an uphill battle for alot of us on the spectrum, that I just feel like giving up because I'm tired of fighting. I know exactly how you feel lex.


Justin

Yep I get that feeling to- somedays its a real struggle to get out of bed and all I want to do is sleep so that I won't be aware anymore. I often feel like giving up but like you its not in the sense of killing myself but rather just hiding away from the world even more than I do already and sleeping for hours.

I have to try to remember that being too mentally tired to be able to think straight around other people is not a failing- it just means I need to take a little time out.

Mel

It has actually gotten harder for me to get out of bed since my diagnosis. If I didn't have my daughter, I think I would just lay in bed the whole day. Most days I feel like I walk around in a bubble. I am aware that life is going on, I am vaguely aware of people and things, but am still insulated. Every once in a while, I have to put my face up to my bubble and interact with someone outside. Sometimes, it's like the bubble isn't there and I understand the person and they understand me. Other times, although clear and thin, I can feel the bubble pressing on my lips, preventing any meaningful communication.

The other day I could barely lift my arms at the end of the evening. My daughter is teething and needs to be held a lot. I was attempting a new recipe with a 35 minute prep time. Then, my husband's friend called and that guy talks forever...he kept me on the phone for 25 minutes, which you would think it would be me with the AS and all, but it really is him. I was tense and overstimulated that I just started crying.

I handed my daughter over to my husband, turned the lights down really low in the family room, wrapped myself up in a blanket (really tight), made a cup of tea and zoned out.

Tallgirl.

Tallgirl:

Is this more of a physical problem, or is there no reason for it to happen?

Being depressed sucks! I in a state of it now since I have to go back to school on sunday, just in time for classes to start on monday.

Yea! I have all of 24 hours to get my affairs in order for the upcoming semester, then charge headlong into semester #2 of oshkosh as if I was in class on friday.

I have days too where I don't feel at all like getting out of bed. There's some days where nothing out there in the world is appealing to me. I figure why get up, I'm nothing more than a stranger in strange land.

At least others my age no longer look at me when I'm in public and stare or point me out to others.

I usually shut down, and unfortunately I don't normally realise it's getting too much until it is too late. I don't like going places on my own if I have to interact with people or find my way in a busy place, because once I'm shutdown, I need to be able to tag along and have someone to get me home safely.

Lex,

Been there. I thought when I figured AS out that the shunning from normal people wouldn't happen anymore, since I'd figured them out, but it still happens. Been through two depressions recently like you describe, one back in 1998 before I figured out AS and one now for about four years (since the last romance ended). I'm running into the same brick wall you seem to be but even though I'm tired too and sometimes think 'OK, fine, forget it - to hell with people', I'm not antisocial and won't drop the normal act even though I'm not good at it either. My life depends on it in a way - the last time the AS took me over (only I didn't know that's what was happening*) I got fired from my job and went without a real one for a year and a half afterwards. Part of what I'm trying to say is even though they often don't like me and that's not fair, in my own way (and I don't mean stalker fashion) I like people and don't want to shut them out.

It sucks, it's not fair but I'm stuck with it. I've just lowered my expectations to not too far above survival.

If I could get rid of the AS I would.

*Suppressing my interest and working at a very NT job with NT people ironically made the AS worse, not better.

Well, about all I can say is that your 'best friends' weren't ever friends at all if they don't like you as you really are. I know that one pretty well since it happened to me too. A few friends DID stick around though, and as much as I miss the others, the way I see it is that the ones who still like me are those who were really my friends in the first place. Also, any new friends that I make are more worthwhile. I can't say that the rejection hurts any less...but as you get other friends you will think of it less, and I think that we aspies can also get by with just one or two really good friends and be fairly happy.

Young_Fogey it seems the more I try to educate people about AS, the worse I am treated!! I feel like a pariah most of the time and I can't really figure out why. I am treated as though I have a mental disorder.

I do have periods of deep depression, but it is a direct result of the way I am.

Lex when I get too tired to assimilate my surrounding and what other people are saying......I have to go to bed!!

I, like you, have to process what I'm seeing and hearing before I can respond. It takes a lot of energy. If I'm tired, there is nothing left in me to interact with anymore.

If it is a circumstance where I'm not able to leave (visitors or family reunions) I mostly clam up. I become very quiet. Actually that can be a good thing because I lot of people think I'm a really, really good listener!!

If I can I just leave but if I can't (at work, a family meal, public transport) I tend to zone out and be 'away with the fairies'. I stop focusing on what is going on around me and just melt away into myself. Sometimes I close my eyes. If I can I will pretend to be reading something or put on my personal CD player. I have been known to nip to the loo and not come back for 15mins or more. As a teenager my mother and a teacher asked me if I had taken drugs because I was so spaced out. I hadn't, I just couldn't focus.

Especially since having my daughter I try really hard not to zone out but if the overload is too much I can't prevent it. My body just switches off my conscious comprehension. I can also take myself there if I feel the tension and stimulation getting too much (it is this that I can control). This 'away with the fairies' state can last minutes or days. It is only when I have completely calmed down my mind that I can refocus.

I avoid meltdowns by maintaining the amount of social interaction I have with people (in person) each day.

After lectures, very often instead of mucking around with other people, I go to the library or somewhere elso instead to do my own things quietly. If I want to catch up with a friend, then I much prefer it to be 1 on 1.