am i supposed to accept that everything will be harder?

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This is something ive been wondering alot about lately. I've posted in the past that I don't usually use aspergers as an excuse for things and due to alot of luck in the past i didnt have to. However lately, due to alot of changes in my environment and entering the work world and seeing how hard it is...i've been in more of a state of self-pity than regular. I realize self-pity doesnt get u anywhere but does anyone else find it so frustrating that life just seems to come easier to other people and not just in a given day but over the course of life? Am i just supposed to accept that things will always be harder and i will never be given credit for working that hard? Also as far as what I hear about the high rates of depression amongst aspies, am i supposed to accept that part of having aspergers and therefore part of being me is that i will always be a little more depressed than my peers....do i not get say in the matter?

How do other people handle that realization? Id love to get some feedback on this.

Do you have to accept it? Yes, probably. Do you have to dwell on it and let it affect your character in a negative way? You don't have to, no.

Ironically self pity is one of the least sympathetic human emotions.

Using aspergers as an excuse is usually counterproductive, sometimes even with family members and close friends. But with people you haven't known for years, it's usually a mistake to tell them anything about having aspergers.

Make the most of your time away from the job, and while on the job try to be polite, a little friendly not too friendly and, if possible, be somewhat attentive to the needs of your co-workers. Life IS harder for us because the rules of the game are biased toward NTs, and against us. Almost everything we think, feel, and do---is different from NTs. And it is a fact that we are continually discriminated against and ridiculed for being different. There are a lot of people working for change. Either we will become obsolete/genocided, or we will eventually receive the respect and accommodations we require. It's bad right now because we are second class citizens like women and blacks and gays were in the past. I think this year is the turning point for many autistics, as we come to grips with the fact that, by and large, we are being treated unfairly and illegally. Problem is, we have neither the social skills nor confidence to demand change. But maybe we will figure out a way.


Of course you get a say in the matter, but be wise about those you talk to. Check out Ari Ne'eman and his organization. Autistic activists are the ones who will listen to you and give you advice regarding how to improve your situation.

For me, everything is various shades of hard, as everything is a transition with clear cause and effect, and upon each transition there must be a mental fight to cross that barrier from cause to effect.

There's not much you can do; you can "accept" it, become apathetic, become dark/depressed, become cynical; whinge/complain; lash out at others; all of these or none of these.

I'm of the, "I don't care" make most of the time. It's only a problem when others want me to cross too many barriers/thresholds, but that's nothing to do with me.

It's probably easier for "us" as we were born this way, compared to chronic and severe conditions that are acquired later on in life; "we" grew up adjusting.

Yes. Life is going to be hard. It is hard for many NTs, too, and for people with other sorts of disabilities.

It doesn't have to be hard all the time, though; in fact, you should be deliberately putting easy things into your life. You need to relax, to spend time re-charging between periods of high effort. Otherwise you will burn out and get depressed. Inescapable stress does that to people. Your actual ability to sustain effort is not your theoretical maximum. A lot of people try to work at theoretical maximum, but it doesn't work and then they get burned out... The answer seems to be strategic laziness, which, oddly enough, actually maximizes your results. Learn to say no to some things, otherwise things really will be too hard.

strategic laziness

thank you Callista for that wonderful term!

Agreed.

You should work hard but NOT near the threshold where you will burn yourself out/suffer severe stress. That's counterproductive.

I also agree you need periods of relaxation to avoid overload and burnout.

Some things are hard, yes. What comes easy to others, I have to work hard in order to obtain.

Accept it and move on. Dwelling on it through self-pity is ultimately self-sabotaging.

It can be maddening sometimes, can't it? How come I can deploy a 1000 node computer network, but not be able to chat up a barrista without looking like a complete moron? How come I can finish an Ironman, but make myself look like an obvious antisocial outcast amonst other athletes at the finish line? How come I can find every switch and instrument in the F-16 cockpit with my eyes closed and one hand tied behind my back, but not able to get a good review at work? How come I have so many friends, and still I look like a jabbering fool when I meet an attractive woman? How come I'm the most competent employee they've ever had, and still most folks here don't think much of me?

It sucks. The trick is to recognize our differences, accept them, and move on. Revisiting and re-analyzing these things will eat you up.

Hey, I hope I'm not too far off-topic, but I've been struggling with this Theory of Mind stuff and talking with my friends and family about it, and I've started to get some ideas.

1. We need to provide an archetype in order for NTs to perceive us. If we try to 'pass' as NT, we're just weird or wrong, because we aren't NT. We are from a different culture and speak a different language, essentially, and NTs need to be able to tap into the complete image that fits us best. When NTs understand that, they are usually happy to meet us on 'middle ground'.

2. I think there is an aspie ToM, and experiencing it can be incredibly liberating. That doesn't mean I'll hit it off with any random aspie, but I will with one in a hundred, but I don't meet that many. So we should meet lots of aspies IRL, and not try to mimic NT socialization when we do. We can have our own socialization patters.

3. When we look at the history of other minority struggles, we see that it starts with being a shunned 'other' group, progresses to an assimilationist movement, evolves militant separatist offshoots, and then settles into a more comfortable pluralism. That sentence summarizes a lot of complex history, so don't get distracted. The point is that we're mostly between shunned and assimilatonist now, and we see some separatist militancy. The future looks a lot better.

4. Pluralistic neurodiversity is going to revolutionize our relationship to, well, everything. Acknowledging our own 'culture', and having NTs learn to 'speak aspie' (remember 'I speak jive?' <grin>) are the keys to positive change.

5. Most of the depression we face can be explained by the difficulties imposed on us, combined with a proclivity for introspection and wanting everything to be exactly right. Once our natural fabulousness is recognized and rewarded, I think we'll tend to be pensive but not depressed.


OK, please excuse the rant.

Yes but this is for everyone. There have also been other things I have accepted in life like there will always be rule breakers but that doesn't mean the rule has changed. There will always be jerks and people aren't always going to say their sorry because well they're jerks so all I can do it move on. Life will always be hard and school and there will always be people who abuse SSI or food stamps or welfare or WIC, etc.


It's better to live life and live the way things are and not be upset about it because being depressed about life is no fun and staying pissed about things that happened is a waste of energy. I focus on myself.


I will mind as well live with my limited skills and live with that I will never be as successful as some people who can live in nice fancy homes and afford good things and fancy cars. Who needs them? I might always live in apartments, maybe a home someday if I can sign up for section 8 and I qualify, I might get a house to rent or join this thing I forget what's its called and it's for people with low income and they have to build their own house and do 500 hours of community work building their home with other people.

You do get a say in the matter. Knowing you have AS means you can make changes that will reduce the risk of depression, and get treatment if you develop depression. Similarly, you can use the insight into yourself you gain from your knowledge of your AS to work toward having the kind of life you can enjoy and tolerate.

As everyone above said, life is not easy. AS or other disorder or perfectly healthy NT, life is still tough at times. What you do about it is what matters.

Fortunately, much of what you can do is quick, simple, and cheap. Entire threads here on WP are devoted to dealing with sensory issues, socialization, dating, etc., etc. In other words, WP is in a sense proof that you can have a say, and more important, you can take action.

I think that one of the things that helped me to face some of the hard realities in the workforce was to consider the task set before me as my chance to practice making the task as easy as the supervisor said it was. Actually, I think for the most part I consider just about everything I do in life as a practice, whether I'm drawing a picture, driving a car, or washing the dishes.

I learned to see difficulties as just one more reason to show that Im a bit better than most. We have twice as many problems as most . . . so, when we handle it and dont use the condition as an excuse, its reason to see yourself as better and able to push farther than others. As for letting people know, you dont have to tell them about the whole thing, just say that certain things overwhelm you (I tend to let co-workers and managers at least know about my sensory issues . . . seems to be helping so far). Trust me, learning not to divulge everything is gonna take a bit of time . . . or it might not. In the end, the only one you really need to care about is yourself until you get situated, then wait a few months and see what happens. The only problem I forsee would be a meltdown, but if you inform them that, say, "Intense sound and light can induce a panic attack," is quite acceptable (and is very close to the truth, just worded differently).