Another 'to dx or to not dx' thread

Post Reply New Topic

I know there are a lot of them, but I'm at the end of my wits.

So, my story.

I am female.

I grew up the first 4 years on an organic farm with both parents, then parents seperated and I went with my mom. We went to another country for a couple of months, then back to our old country to a different city where she immatriculated to finally study at university. During a couple of months to half a year, we stayed for days to one, two weeks in the houses of acquaintances until she finally found a place for us to stay. There we stayed two years, I went to school. We moved again, I changed schools. I was a shy child, which is probably not surprising. The school I went to then had only wealthy kids who came from a totally different world. I was not directly bullied, but segregated. I did play with other children, mostly because I knew it was expected of me. I got along better with adults and with significantly younger children.
At the age of eight or nine, I started stealing from my classmates (pencils and hair pins, my motivation was a mix of wanting revenge for their teasing me and the wish of being like them, and I thought somehow I could be like them if I had the same things etc.)

I also hated school and had headaches almost all of the time, which caused me to miss a day of school almost every week. I couldn't do my homework. I sat down, I wanted to do homework, and I couldn't. I often sat there three hours or more and never finished the things that I could do in class without effort. I also couldn't tidy up my room, even though I tried to. I was scared of having to play ball games because I was really bad at them, and because our class had an uneven number of students usually was the one that was left over when teams where chosen. I spent my free time playing in the trees outside our house or reading.
At that time, my mom had a bad boyfriend, who caused her to attempt suicide, and left her drinking too much.
At the age of nine, my older cousin molested me.

I went to a secondary school that wasn't filled with rich kids, we also moved again. I was the 'smart kid' and that was okay. I got along with the other kids, but I didn't interact with them out of school. This seemed to be normal as I lived almost an hour by bus and tram from school and none of my classmates lived nearby. I made friend with a neighbour girl who was three years older than me and very shy. We played pretend games.
At some point I started stealing from stores (make up products, I used it both to vent the stress I had from the fighting at home and because it symbolized the idea of a normal girl with a normal home. I wanted to stop it but didn't know how)
Otherwise I gave my best to 'not make any problems.'

At the onset of puberty I had a time when my personal hygiene lacked, but managed that after a year or so.
I'd had sleeping problems ever since I can remember (mom told me she stopped me having naps at noon when I still was a toddler because that meant I didn't fall asleep at night) and during puberty they got worse.
When I was 14, my friend moved away.
I started a vicious circle of trying to fix my life and habits every monday which left me so anxious I couldn't sleep the night before which made me manage the mondays and mess up the rest of the week. I didn't socialize anymore, was afraid of my peers.
I had strong interests for horses, farming, then genetics and genetic manipulation and spent my time reading about those.

When I was about 15, I got a major depressive episode (refractory), and with it bulimic behaviour. This got worse throughout the next years, I got addicted to the internet, ended up being suicidal, self-harmed and attempting suicide, was hospitalized; started stealing again to finance my bulimia. I got diagnosed with and treated for a developing borderline personality disorder. The next years I spent pretty much at home, secluded and being depressed, anxious and filled with obsessive thoughts about death in bad moments, in fantasy worlds in good moments; socializing only online. After some years, I ended up living with my frail grandma and helped out at her place, then moved out to live on my own, with the occasional assistance of a caretaker. Then I moved in with two friends I had made online, and finally stopped making myself sick to purge whenever I was too stressed by the surroundings. Turns out that that was the main reason for my ongoing depression. I slowly fixed my self-destructive habits and started to learn foreign languages instead.

The two things I still couldn't fix were my 'social anxiety' and my problem with structure and routine (sleep patterns, keeping things orderly etc)
So, I came to work as au pair in a different country. I got somewhat better throughout the time here. I can handle my responsibilities and learnt to communicate in a new language.

But those two main problems persist. I don't know how to socialize, and when I try to do it no matter what I am extremely exhausted afterwards (and get ill).
I have problems with too much sensory information. When I am not depressed, I can shut them out by concentrating on something else with the afflicted sense (I always have a book and my ipod with me), when I am depressed or tired I can't. I get into trouble because I don't realize somebody lacks a certain bit of important information. I 'forget' about the existence of people when I don't see them. (I mean I know they exist, I just don't remember it might be in any connection to my own existence.)

Dealing with more than one or two persons at one exhausts me, especially when I don't know them really well.
I have very likely deficits in my executive functions (would explain a lot.)
I am not sure if my problems are caused by hypoactive ADD, Asperger's or something else. I however am pretty sure I do not fulfil the diagnostic criteria for borderline PD any more (if I ever did and wasn't just trying to do what the doctors told me.)

Now, when I am not depressed or exhausted, I can cope with my life, somehow.

But I want to go back and finish school via adult education so that I can find a job I actually might enjoy. Only that I don't fulfil the requirements for adult education in my country, I still lack a year of full time work, and I don't think I can bear another year of factory work or similar (job situation for people without formal job training is really bad.)
I do believe that if I actually get a diagnosis, I will have a realistic chance to get help with my social and structural problems, and I might also be allowed to enroll in school again. (The make exceptions, but need a good reason to do so.)


I know this is pretty disjuncted, but ... I'd like to hear some opinions about the source of my problems, and your opinion whether I should try to get a diagnosis for or against Asperger's.
You can also ask anything you want to know.

May I ask what country you are in? What services would be open to you if you are formally diagnosed?

I am female, and there are lots of similarities in our stories. I recently began therapy again because of some issues with people at work, and my current therapist is the one who brought up Asperger's, but she will not formally diagnose me herself (says I had to see a neurologist if I want a formal dx).

I am having some difficulty coming to terms with the fact that I have AS. In some ways it answers a lot of questions, but in other ways it makes me even more sad because it means I will likely never be great at socializing and dealing with people.

Getting more education sounds like a good thing, regardless. It sounds silly that you wouldn't quality for "adult education." I hope you can find a way to go back to school if that's what you want to do. Sometimes when the door isn't open, we have to find a way through a window.

As far as socially, something that really worked for me back in 2002 were humanist breakfasts. It was Sunday morning at a smaller hotel whose restaurants had buffet but it wasn't very crowded. So, I would greet people, make one or two trips to the buffet (something I always enjoy!), then the leader would go around the table of 15 or so people, and each person had a couple of minutes.

And I found myself looking forward to next month. I think it was a good mix of formal and informal. And it occurred to me, if I had three once -a- month groups, that might kind of be enough. (I'd really like a couple of friends)

I had a chess club. The pizza entrepreneur was a chess enthusiast and he kind of held it together. But it kind of become a neighborhood hang out, in which if you dropped by any afternoon or evening, you'd be likely to run into someone you knew. Unfortunately, that kind of thing is real rare in modern society. (I didn't like chess that much! The social aspects kind of work, although there was an informal hierarchy by chess ability, it was rather the games themselves)

Now, unfortunately, it seems to me that most groups just don't work out. I used to put the figure at only one out of nine groups really works out, and that just means that you lightly try a number of groups. (the biggest reason seems to be that the owner takes on too much himself of herself, runs out of energy, and doesn't really want to do fun and energetic and different things, but rather just wants to discharge his or her obligations)


As far as school, I would encourage you to think of it in terms of AND BOTH. For example, maybe you can study for your GED (or equivalent) at the same time you classes at a community college? Maybe you could attend public lectures at universities and then study that topic on your own?

The au pair work experience sounds pretty good. It seems to me more jobs judge and promote by experience rather than formal education, although of course it is good to have both if possible. And that too, in terms of AND BOTH, continue to work at an okay job and taking half load at community college? (For starters, it sounds like you're great at languages and I'm sure you can branch out from there. And what would have helped me a lot: The thoroughist approach is not the only game in town. Sure, it's one skill good to have in your tool bag, but only one)

As far as social stress. Okay, I remember hearing two psychologists on the news years ago talking about treating a woman with social anxiety. One assignment was for her to go into a coffee place, order, and have conversation with the person next to her. She was able to do it, but it was so stressful, that they parred back future assignments. What they didn't seem to get, this is a very ambitious assignment. What if the person you try to engage in conversation doesn't want conversation! Is in a grumpy mood, a quiet mood, whatever. So, it's a matter of light touch and taking it from there. It's an overture and feeling out the person. And the 'psychologists' didn't seem to have a clue. Amazing.

I think I try ambitious social things. A lot of it doesn't work, and that's okay. Maybe the main social skill is just being open to appreciating other, and even for that, doesn't always happen.

It seems to me you might benefit from an evaluation. What you're describing sounds like something on or near the autism spectrum; and since you report you are having problems related to these traits, I would recommend finding someone with expertise in the adult presentation of ASDs.

one of the main reasons for me to go for a diagnosis was to satisfy my "wanting to find out". i couldn't live without knowing anymore. i needed some definitive answer to the doubt. there are both positives and negatives now that i know KNOW. but at least i no longer spend days on end researching Asperger and wondering if i had it.

perhaps ask youself how much it bugs you not knowing. but remember it could be very costly and the diagnosis might bring you new worries. good luck

Thank you for reading and taking the time to reply.

I think I made my peace with the topic. I do believe I have a number of traits - my family does fit into the whole autism spectrum picture -, and I believe I could cope better with those traits had I not been through some of my experiences. I also believe that many people would have reacted differently to the same experiences. As I was hospitalized several times, I did get to know a fair share of traumatized people, as well as people with psychosis or drug abuse history.

Since I wrote this thread I found a doctor whom I think I can talk about things without her seeing me coloured by whatever diagnosis I might have, so it's okay.