Any ideas on how to coax out information sooner?

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I have this problem a lot, where I don't realize that something is a problem until much much later when it's driving me insane pretty much... or when I wind up stressed out due to it.

But my son, I want him to be able to tell me as things happen, so that maybe he will be better off than I am in relationships and life in general, lol.

He is always telling me about something bad that happened at school, but it is not always the day it happened... sometimes it is weeks or months later, and I really cannot do much about it at that point. I can talk to him of course, about it, and we can try to find a solution in case it happens again, but I'm rarely able to actually deal with the problem on time.

Which, is another reason I was so proud of him I just had to post that about the Principal today, lol. But still, he let it go for a week without saying anything to me.

I ask him questions about school, and if anything bad happened today... if he got in trouble for anything he did or didn't do, etc. I ask him what the other kids are doing and all of that. But if there is an issue that I do not know what it is, I cannot ask directly about it, and it seems to be the only way I can get an answer, lol.

Any ideas on how to get him to tell me more about his day so I can be more on top of things?

I'm asking you guys, I guess, because I still don't tell everything that is bugging me at the time that it does bother me. I tell it casually later on when it isn't bugging me anymore, or after whatever has been resolved, or long after the issue just doesn't exist. Or I blow up and talk about it all at once. There is no time that I actually talk at the time it happens though... and that does bother me a lot-that I am unable to pinpoint whether or not something is bothering me until I analyze it for a really really long time.

I'm hoping if I can find a way for him to work on this as well, or at least do it more often, it could possibly help with his decision making too. Because I know with myself, I cannot decide because I just honestly don't know how I feel one way or the other, or just don't care... and I guess I tie it to talking about things like this, because that is what stops me from mentioning things... I just don't know if they are important or not at times.

I'd like him to be doing better than I am, lol, so any suggestions would be appreciated.

Maybe, you can rephrase the question by asking him if anything made him feel bad, or confused, or upset today? Emphasis on the word feel. I take forever trying to work out situations by running them through my head trying to figure out if I am justifiably upset. I usually know that I'm upset, but not whether or not I'm viewing the situation correctly, so I'll keep it in until I think I know the answer. Upset, also is vague. It covers a wide variety of negative emotions, and sometimes it takes me forever to get what I'm feeling labeled correctly. Upset seems to cover it if I can't quite work out the right emotion at the time.

I'm having a lot of the same problems with my son, so I think that I'll try that tactic tonight, and see if I can get a response from him. He's not nearly as verbal as your son, though.

That is a good idea, I will try that. Even if there's nothing more than a nod as a response, it's still a direction to go from with it for sure. Then it's easier to narrow down and say "well, it was something that happened in school... so was it a teacher, another student" and go through the mental list of problem solving to find the source.

I've asked if anything bad happened today, but he applies that to something that happened directly to him and was physically bad essentially. One day I asked (when this girl started bullying him apparently), all I got as a response was "well I was walking on these wooden block things and fell and cut my knee really bad". But never said anything about the bullying, lol.

I know he isn't always going to have something happen to him, so don't expect an answer every time... I just want to be able to help him out sooner if I am able to, or work up a solution with him by the end of the night if need be.

I just know it's dreadful for me just to make choices and such at times, and can be a real headache. It would be nice if he could navigate things a little easier than I can when he gets older.

To balance it out you might want to ask if anything good, or that made him feel happy that day happened, too. That way he isn't feeling like he's being interrogated for info, and is also left with a happy thought, instead of just bad ones. I know that's how my son feels. He'll only allow me 1-3 questions, and that's all that he'll answer period. I can count on one hand the amount of times that he's come home, and told me anything good or bad, about his day spontaneously.

Good idea. My son can tell me all of this, but generally just says "I don't know" for a lot of it. When my son does tell me about anything I'm having to decipher it because it's at another time we are trying to get ready to go somewhere or do something else, so I have to ask him to repeat a lot, which he usually doesn't mind because he does the same to me, lol. OR, he will start talking to me while brushing his teeth and his mouth is all sudsy and he's dripping water all over while telling me, lol. I always get grossed out by it and can't watch, and just tell him clean it up with a towel after and he needs to tell me over again, lol.

He's never told me anything on the day anything happened though. This time, it was just this morning he told me, but I asked him last night. Most of the time when he tells me something randomly, it was so long ago he can't even remember when it was. He will shrug and say "last year or something".

The last time he started talking randomly about anything was a few nights ago, he was telling me a kid was saying he wouldn't be his friend if he didn't stop calling his grandma "granny". I told him to ignore that, and that he can call his grandma whatever he is comfortable calling her and it shouldn't matter to anyone else. It was really really bothering him and he was getting kind of worked up. I finally stopped him for a second and asked him "when did this happen?" and he said the last time the kid was at our house. He was saying it all quiet like so I wouldn't hear it and get mad... smart kid because that would have ticked me off.

But the kid hasn't been in our house since July... now that I know this kid gets him so worked up every time he sees him, I won't let him come over again, but I didn't find out in time to stop the bullying behavior and bossiness.

For basic school information, such as my son's behavior and academic progress, the school fills out a daily note. Since he has an ASD and a one-on-one adult, this works. However, every interaction he has with every person, I don't think I'll ever know.

Have you told him all the things you just said in that post? Maybe print it out and let him read it? It may not always occur to him that you could help with problems that he has.. The not-making-connections thing is a huge part of AS.

Maybe also let him know that he can yell to you about things? (If he can, that is..) Maybe he's afraid that he'll get in trouble if he explodes in anger about something that happened in school? So if you're able to deal with him yelling about something somebody else did that makes him really angry, let him know that so that he's not afraid to do so? (Does that make sense.. The difference between yelling at someone and venting to them can be difficult to distinguish.. Sometimes since yelling at someone is disrespectful and inappropriate, it's hard to understand that venting about something that isn't the fault of the person you're venting to might be okay, so long as it's expressed that the person being yelled to isn't being yelled at.)

Does that make sense?

Yes, I think it makes sense. I do this quite a bit to my boyfriend actually when I have a problem-my voice just gets loud as I tell him anything that is bothering me. Then, he always thinks I am yelling at him... but I am not, lol.

Yes, the connection thing is a big issue in regards to AS, lol, as I have AS too and didn't really think of ANY of this stuff, rofl. I just always did what I see other people do when they ask their kids about their days.

I do understand the difference between yelling at someone and just yelling TO them about something.... at least I think I mean it in the sense of what you are talking about, lol. For instance, if I were to yell at someone "but that person just made me so mad!" I am not yelling AT the person, just yelling about the situation essentially and wanting someone to listen or help me sort it out. But if I said "but YOU just made me so mad!" Then I would be yelling at that person directly.

He usually doesn't yell about things for the most part, so I don't think this will be much of a problem. I haven't let him read over this, maybe I should, or maybe it would just confuse him, lol, but I do talk to him a lot.

He knows that I have it too, so he asks me a lot of questions about autism related things, and we talk together about things we have issues with and how we think we could work on them etc.-lots of problem solving goes on in my house while my NT 5 year old daughter looks at both of us like we are just nuts, lol. Poor girl is gonna have it rough later on with the 2 of us around her all of the time... but she will understand quite well I think, lol.

So we have talked about things like this. Many times, lol. The only problem is we need to map something out I think, on paper, and make a game plan of some sort of how to deal with it maybe... like a visual thing with boxes "tell about something good that happened during the day", "tell about something bad that happened during the day (if there is anything)", "tell about something rough that happened during the day", etc.... like a game sort of maybe.