When friends gossip about you...

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I know I shouldn't pay attention to gossip. And everyone has bad things said about them, right? But it still hurts! Mostly I just don't know to react.

I'll keep it brief: my friend "C" and I have been tense around each other, so the other night I finally just said it: "Do you think I'm boring?" (long story...) So she said that actually she thinks I'm very interesting, and in fact last year friend "R" always said I was boring but "C" defended me.

Now that I know "R" gossips about me being boring, I feel uncomfortable around her. But we don't see each other much anymore (she moved away), so I don't feel I should bring it up... It's just that every time we talk, I feel awful inside.

If it weren't a friend, I would be fine. But it's sort of a loyalty thing...?

I'm trying not to think about it or make a big deal about it, because I hate this type of "drama." But I am curious to know how all of you respond to gossip.

Do friends ever gossip about you? (And what's a true friend, then?) How do you react to gossip?

Never had this happen to me, but I would be greatly offended if it did.

Tim

so you have one friend who finds you interesting and another one who finds you boring. the latter isn't probably very good friend. if i liked someone well enough to call the person my friend, i wouldn't find him/her boring.

i don't have anyone that close to find disturbing if someone is gossiping about me.

but on the other side, i don't think that to call someone boring is that bad kind of gossiping. she could have said much worse things about you if she wanted to be a b***h.

It has happened to me a lot at school.
To the degree where I was framed for harassing students.
In order to gossip about me, students have to find me.

In your case, try to avoid your friend temporaily until things cool off.

I suspect gossip is just part of the human condition; I'm not sure how personally one should take it. Yeah, I've been the subject of gossip, sometimes by friends, but in my case I don't tend to think they mean bad by it; it’s just more a series of misunderstandings and misinterpretations.

Are you really boring, or is "R" confused? If she's confused, and the confusion troubles you, and she is your friend, should you not work to dispel it? Not in an accusatory way, but in a way that might help reveal the truth from both sides?

"Boring" is a relative term; perhaps you seem boring to "R", but not to "C" or yourself; perhaps in matters of opinion, everyone can be correct to some degree; that may not be such a bad place either, but it should not trouble you.

I have some mannerisms that might cause one to mistake me for boring (e.g. I don't do parties either); but in my case, that assumption is so off base it would probably just make me laugh. I'm not a book that can be judged by my cover; beneath my apparently placid cover lies much that is starkly not boring.

For my own part, I try to stick by a rule of not talking about people behind their back, if I can avoid it. Should I find myself doing so (hey, people do talk to each other about other people), my general rule is that I do not say anything about them that I would not say directly to their face. But I'm probably a special case, for there is much that I might say to one's face that other's would not be comfortable saying.

I don' t know; interhuman relations is an area that confuses me. Being too open and honest often gets me into trouble, so I may not be the best one to advise. This is just my couple of coppers tossed into the well.

[As a bizzare aside, my spell-checker didn't like "interhuman", and suggested "antihuman" as the single correct spelling. ]

Good fortune,

- Icarus might seem boring, but is never bored...

it would bother me if someone said I was boring... but the thing is, I wouldn't hesitate to tell another that something they are talking about is boring. I would probably feel offended at first, but it is merely their opinion. If they are a friend, it does not mean that they don't like you, even if they do think you are boring at times.

I wouldn't take it too harshly, as many people turn to others when they would like to discuss something, and maybe she just happened to be asked what she thought of you. If she answered honestly at the time she was asked, was it technically talking behind your back?

Try not to let it get to you, though I know easier said than done. But remember, just as you are letting us know that it bothers you and all, maybe she was just doing the same. Not intending to hurt anyone at all in the moment, and talking casually about it without it meant to be necessarily behind your back or gossip, but moreso a general statement. Does that make sense?

People gossip in all kinds of ways without meaning to. If she was just flat out saying it as insulting, then it's not a very good friend. If you really want to know how she intended it, you mentioned you talk to her from time to time. Just ask her. It may be uncomfortable for both if you ask her, but at least she'll have a chance to clear it up or explain better... there's no point really in talking to someone you feel discomfort around every time you speak with them is there? That could help out tremendously. Maybe she knows someone told you... maybe that is why she doesn't speak often, maybe she is just as uncomfortable. But without asking or trying to clear it up, it probably isn't going to change and might only get worse the longer it wears on you.

You are asking the advice of people who are known for not having friends?

Boring would be a step up for me.

It also has many meanings, lying is impossible without words.

You do not attend social events, she likes parties. It could mean nothing more.

I interact with people who have a wide range of behaviors, and motorcycles in common.

I do not have any across the board friends.

Often it is just incompatable subjects, and some in common.

The reason bars exist is because people have bad habits in common.

Friendships are often the same.

My kid says I am boring, but she keeps me.

Keep in mind that from what you've said, it could have been an off-hand remark made 11-22 months ago...

in high school, one of my "friends" started a rumor that i was a lesbian and was dating my best friend.. appearantly it was pretty wide-spread.. but i didn't know anything about it until graduation when someone asked me if it was true and i was like "what??! !" lol.. but i just thought it was funny. my best friend didn't, though.. she was horrified and was like "no wonder the guys never paid any attention to me!!" lol.. i told her maybe they were afraid her jeleous girlfriend would beat them up.. but, turns out, a few of my other friends knew about the rumor and didn't tell me about it. but they told me who started it.. and she had appearantly spread rumors that 2 of my other female friends were lesbian lovers as well... seriously... that girl has issues to spread rumors like that..

Hmm... indeed I do think my friends talk about me when I am not around, it always has been the case and im sure always will be. I will be honest and admit I too have talked about my friends to behind their back to other people who are friends. I learned that this type of talk is normal NT bahvaior, I have observed it my whole life, even as a kid I would see adults doing it, not saying its the right thing to do, just people talk about others in social situations, that tends to be normal.

However as far as gossup, I dont really take part in that, I have not started rumors nor do I spread them cause often they are BS and I dont want that person to trace it back to me. I may be told something about someone and offer my 2 cents, good or bad, but that is as far as that goes.

I find the workplace to be the worst as far as gossup, and at my place its everywhere, I try to avoid it, but then I become the subject of their gossup, all well...