Family goes 'Don't bother with that/that wont work'

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I'm really getting tired of the defeatist attitude pervasive in my family. Especially my mother and one of my brothers and my sister. Not so much my other brother or my dad, as they hardly talk to me about anything.

But lemme give you an example. In a previous post I detailed a situation from back in 1991 where I was thrown out of a biology class for no good reason. The 'reason' given was someone in the class was uncomfortable with me there, despite the fact that I did NOTHING to anyone in that class, and I only knew 2 people in the class, neither of which I was friends with. One was a boy who didn't pick on me but didn't really acknowledge me either, and the other was a girl who had in the past said that I scared her and that I was weird. There is a possibility that there was another person in the class who I did not know who complained, as nobody had done that before.

Someone on this forum suggested suing the school. Well, I brought that up with my mother and she said that the idea of suing the school was the most ridiculous thing she'd ever heard of. She thought it would be wrong to do so, that too much time had passed, and that even if I'd thought of suing the school back when it happened, she would NOT have supported the idea of suing the school.

Now, maybe it is too late. I don't know. But then of course, there's been legal action taken on the behalf of people who were wronged years and years ago and they're successful. But what really gets me is mom's discouraging attitude. Anytime I want to do something to stand up for myself like that, she tries to talk me out of it and tells me that whatever course of action I am thinking of trying, it will not work and not to even try. She doesn't say this about trying to get a job or trying to go to school, but there's plenty of things she says this about. Blah.

Yea.. I've got that a lot. Probably a lot of why I always figure there's nothing I can do about anything.

I'm getting similar crap from family, but more along the lines of being told I love conflict and my life has spiraled out of control over the past couple of years.

I find it a strange perspective that because I'm less passive and think for myself more rather than relying on others to guide me out of self-doubt. I've become a lot more self-analytical and independent. I have legal things going on, probably because I refuse to lay down and let myself get kicked around anymore, but I wouldn't say I love conflict. I actually hate it and want the legal things to be over, but I see them as a remedy for 2 situations where I got taken advantage of, one of which is ongoing.

my therapist told me yesterday that I've come a long way in the past year and a half, during the same time period that my family member thinks has been a downward spiral that she has watched helplessly from the sidelines (it was icky just to read the note from her, my mother would have written an identical message). funny thing is, she's been so absorbed in her own drama and has turned down so many requests to spend time together that we've had very little contact in the past year, so how does she really know?

I don't want to sound defeatist, but proactive and forward moving.

Suing your school for a perceived wrong that happened 18 years ago might be keeping you trapped in a cycle of defeat and anger.

You might be better off learning how to deal with people in an assertive way.

Let's say that you are being kicked out of a club or a class today. You might ask the person in charge to put the reasons into writing, using specific examples. This will clarify to you what the problem is and, if it can be addressed in a less drastic way. Also, by having the person in charge put it into writing - if there is a legal wrong (such as being kicked out because "we don't like Aspies") you can address this and let them know that this is unethical and has the potential for being a human rights issue. Give them a chance to reconsider. Also, be assertive and help them learn by addressing any questions or concerns regarding your condition. This is being assertive and proactive.

If, after all of this - they are intransigent and still kick you out without just cause - persue legal action within 6 months. In some places (like my province) there is a 6 month limit to bring human rights action against a person or company. Regardless of this - I like the 6 month rule as it allows action and closure to be done quickly. That way you won't be carrying a grudge years.

The past is the past. We can examine it. We can learn from it. We can use our past experiences and our ongoing learning and knowledge to deal better with the future. My advice is to use this negative experience as a gift of learning. Acknowledge that it happened. Acknowledge that it hurt at the time. Feel empowered that you have (or are building) the confidence and skills to deal with similar situations in a positive way. Then take a deep breath and let go of any need for re-visiting or revenge. Re-visiting and revenge just takes up your precious time and energy which can be used on enjoying the present.

Lawsuits won't do it. Do this: Pick up some eggs from the grocer, and at the next available night, pummel the school. It won't make things better, but it's a nice way to say f**k you.

As a last-resort option, you could take this up with the CHRC of Canada - They handle quasi-judicial matters, but this is a double-edged sword because they're known for being fascists, convicting people for mindcrimes and engaging in entrapment and so on, so it's up to you whether you want to support such an organization. You can, however, exploit them and claim that your human rights were violated, and the people responsible can be hauled infront of a tribunal and dragged through a process in which truth is not a defense and they don't have a right to a lawyer - This will cost you nothing, but the defendants a lot.

I say go with the eggs.

You are absolutely correct. Way too much time has passed. Time to move on and look towards the future.

Your family is right. It would be a waste of time and not only that, if you were to sue them you could probably be good and darn sure they could put in writing exactly why they kicked you out. You might not like the answer. Rest assured it wasn't just because they didn't like you. You must have said or done something to ask you to leave the class.

Sorry, I know that's not the answer you wanted to hear. But your time would be much better off concentrating on the present day, finding work, going back to school & getting your life sorted out than dredging up something from so long ago. Good luck.

I sort think lawsuits are a nasty thing, I know, well secondhand, do you really want to put yourself through this stress? Perhaps what you could do is get together the people who involved, ie some of the students, and the people who made the decision, into a sort of tribunal, and just ask why it all happened so you can get an honest answer from them. Im sad to say that we will experience a lot of injustice as aspies as people just dont understand. You may feel a lawsuit is the only answer.. that would be your decision I guess. But I think you need to ask yourself what you need to have happen to move on. I understand how you feel in a way because I have had people round up, attack me and try and kick me out in much the same manner.

Well, there's also the fact that a lawsuit doesn't always need to be carried out to be effective. Demanding specific and legally sound reasons for being kicked out would have been a good idea. If they couldn't provide that, speaking to a lawyer would have been appropriate. Getting a letter from your lawyer, or even just knowing that you'd gotten legal counsel, would have at least forced the school to make some kind of excuse. Probably a pathetic one, and there might not have been much done.. but at least you wouldn't have had to sit there and do nothing while they did something nasty to you. Schools will walk all over someone who they think won't do anything about it.
At this point, it's way to late, but the point was more that your mother said she wouldn't have approved of it at the time, and that she didn't do anything about it at the time. I've had some similar things happen to me, with similar results. It's what leaves you with that helpless feeling that anybody could take advantage of you and there's nothing you could do about it.
I did have one incident where someone did stick up for me-- a teacher. I'd gotten in trouble for something that wasn't at all wrong of me, and my biology teacher straightened it out. I was never in my life so grateful for anything.. my parents never would have stuck up for me like that. They always said they would, but then said that "it" wasn't worth "it." (As in, I wasn't worth the trouble of telling anybody that I wasn't horrible. Something many people needed to be told since not only were my own social skills horrible, but my mother has this permanent look of disgust on her face. So anybody talking to her about me would assume it's me that she's disgusted with.) I think that teacher was the first person to make me feel like I was worth anything. Too bad he was wrong about me; he believed in me, but I turned out to be a failure anyway. I guess maybe I AM horrible.

Unfortunately, it's too late. The time to take action was right when it happened. But 16 years have passed. The involved adults don't even work there anymore, those who are still alive. And the involved students probably don't have terribly clear or accurate memories of what happened. The injustices that happen to you are easy to remember. The injustices that happened to somebody else 16 years ago- unlikely to remember, or remember very well. There may no longer be paperwork at the school pertaining to the incident.


Sometimes legal action can be taken many, many years after the fact. Roman Polanski just discovered there is no statute of limitations on rape. But this is not one of those situations. It should have been dealt with at the time by your parents. Unfortunately it sounds like they didn't deal with it thoroughly enough. An action like that should involve several parent-teacher meetings at the very least and if it was unjustified, your parents should have fought it at the time. If you want answers as to why it happened, probably the only person who actually remembers it from an adult perspective is your mom. And I assume you already asked her and she probably didn't know all that much because maybe she didn't grill them for answers at the time as she could have done and simply accepted it.

It's time to move on. You can't right every past wrong. If you actually managed to trace down other people who were students in that class, you would probably hit a frustrating brick wall of their lack of memory about it.

When I was a kid, there was a boy in my class who got in fights with the teacher a lot and sometimes with other boys. One day he just didn't show up in school. The rumour was that he'd been kicked out. If that boy, now a middle aged man, were to find me and demand that I give an account of what happened in that class I wouldn't be able to say anything beyond "I remember you got in some fights". Probably the same thing would happen if you actually talked to the others in that classroom. It may be fresh in your head because it happened to you but it will be hazy in other peoples' heads because it didn't happen to them.

If you pursue this demon from your past, you will only bring more humiliation upon yourself. I know from bitter experience. Trust me, you don't want to go there.