Trying to be a better person despite disability.

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I've heard of people that use AS as an excuse for things that have nothing to do with Aspergers. For example, a girl I talk to online was telling me how her friend was in a long term relationship with a guy with AS and he would use it as an excuse for anything she didn't like about him.

If anything, I hide the fact that I have AS not due to humiliation but because I don't want people to think I'm making excuses and don't want special treatment.

I'm trying to be the best person I can be attitude-wise. I realize I have depression issues that aren't my fault and even with the proper medication that I'm on, it isn't a perfect science and there will be moments of not being "on." But to me, it really bothers me that I devote a lot of time to thinking about sex and women in regards to sexual activity. You might say "What guy doesn't?" I don't want to be other guys. I want to be better than the average person.

The only reason I'm curious about sex is because I had no chance of having it when I was younger and became very curious. It's like if other people are eating a meal, and most people say it's really good, and you turn on tv and people in every tv show are eating the meal...eventually you're going to want to try it out for yourself.

This curiosity has dampered my life the past 5 or so years as I've desperately tried to find a decent enough looking woman to meet (even without mentioning the sex) and not being able to. You might say "Why not try in real life?" Yes, I can see it now...a socially awkward guy with Aspergers going up to a random woman and introducing himself. Yes, that would work.

Anyway, this wasn't intended to be a whining post. I just feel that as a heterosexual man, I've been put in a no-win situation: Do the right thing and remain a virgin. The result, living in torture. Do the wrong thing and have sex...at best, you're just any other dickhead guy now, at worst, you're a sinner.

I feel like this is the only thing holding me back from living a completely happy life. I love my family, am grateful for what I can do, not what I can't. I don't expect anyone but my family, and a serious girlfriend or wife in the future to understand me. I don't ask for much. And that's what ironic...I didn't ask for this sexual curiosity. I feel like a victim of society's brainwashing and hormones.

I know this is nothing new for a guy, but that's my point, I'm trying to be better than most guys. If I meet a girlfriend I actually like and am attracted to her in a pure way and want to get to know her, I have no problem with that side of my sexuality. In fact, I look forward to the day I meet someone like that. But this sexual curiosity has made me do things I never thought I would have. I even used to care what women thought of my appearance because I thought "If that girl is making fun of me, no girl will have sex with me."

I feel ruined, not because I haven't had sex, but because I've had to put up with a little devil inside so to speak that I didn't want to be there in the first place.

And yes, btw I masturbate, it doesn't help.

Ummmm, therange, if people in society didn't have "sexual curiosity" - the human race would have stagnated and died out many, many thousands of years ago....

I am assuming that, by "sexual curiosity" you mean that you would enjoy trying sex with a real, live girl with whom there is mutual attraction. Sounds good and normal so far.

The fact that you think that wanting to have recreational sex with a girl who who have mutual attraction to, but are not involved in a long term relationship with makes you a "dickhead" or (GASP) "a sinner" is an unfortunate mindset.

You see, the world is not all black and white. You can have sex with a woman without the long term relationship and without being a dickhead or, bwah hah hah, "a sinner" As long as the sex is done ethically (consenting adults, use of condoms, no lies or false promises and genuine respect with the goal of giving and receiving pleasure - it is okay). Sorry, I'm not a minister or a priest or anything - but I have a basic understanding of ethics (even if you and others think I am a morally corrupt person). Sex is okay. Having sex (in a consenting, responsible way) is okay. Desiring sex is okay.

If you still feel more comfortable saving sex for a longterm girlfriend/wife due to personal/spiritual beliefs - that's okay too (just don't call the rest of us sinners and dickheads (what do you call a female dickhead anyway... "clithead"... but I digress...) Honour your personal beliefs around your body and sexuality. Continue to put yourself out there (online or in person) to try to find a compatible woman with whom there is mutual attraction. It might take time, it might happen... it might not happen.

But whatever you do - please remember that wanting sex is a natural thing - not a thing to feel guilty about - we are designed that way (whether one believes that we are lovingly made by a Creator or if one believes that we all crawled out of primordial soup) - we were designed to desire and many of our actions are a result of that desire (why else would I wear high heeled shoes - they are sooooo uncomfortable - but they make my legs look good, ergo I look "sexy"). I am not a "victim of society's brainwashing and hormones" - I am just a red blooded female. Nothing wrong with that

Sex exists for people to have kids, nothing more, nothing less. I'm not trying to claim moral superiority, I just believe that as a human with a brain, I should be able to make decisions and not resort to animal instincts. But curiosity plus hormones won't go away. I know this must sound like a joke, but trust me, there are guys like me out there that have a low sex drive and can't even handle that.

When I was fooling around with the girl I was dating 1.)I didn't even enjoy it that much outside of the kissing/cuddling, 2.)I felt like saying "I love you" even though I didn't. So for me, sex probably isn't just an enjoyable activity or a handshake. For me, it's a way for two people who really care about each other to express themselves or to have kids.

The problem is like I said, my body just won't shut the hell up and give up lol. And it's not like I'm being in denial and not masturbating. I masturbate plenty.

You know, with the modern world's open focus on sexuality, sometimes the people who are more traditional get left in the dust. I'm asexual and I don't know how many people have simply assumed I am repressed or traumatized or somehow just don't know what I'm missing, because who in the world doesn't want sex, right? Wrong. The fact is, whatever the world says, there is absolutely no requirement to have casual sex, nor for that matter to have sex at all. If the world doesn't like your decision, then said world can go take a hike.

Sex exists not just to have kids but also for people to pair-bond. That's why we can mate any time rather than having a mating season like other species (species for which it is soley for reproduction). It sounds like you don't particularly want meaningless sex with a woman you barely know (or don't know at all) except when hormones propel you to be curious (which is normal). But why must it be a choice between meaningless sex and celibacy? Instead of looking for a woman for sex (which you clearly have mixed feelings about), why not look for a woman you want to spend non-sexual time with? Maybe you will fall in love. When you say "fooling around with the girl I was dating" it sounds like you weren't in love with her, just dating. Maybe you can't properly enjoy sex unless you are in love? There are many, many women out there who have similar feelings and would prefer love to precede sex. So maybe looking for a woman whose compony you enjoy for its' own sake will lead to greater happiness in that area.

That's the idea and the plan, but as you know, it's hard to find someone that you feel that way about. I don't fall easily. And there are usually the same things I fall for - girl next door looks...brown hair...think daphne or roz from frasier. I also like women who are artsy, intellectual, but if not, at least quirky in some manner (see roz or daphne.) Those type of women don't grow on trees.

So like you said, while I'm waiting to meet someone like that, my hormones naturally propel me to be curious about casual sex with other women. The problem is, if I'm to have casual sex, 1.)I don't want any talking relationship with the girl at all. I don't want to feign dates and interest to get sex, then just break up after a week or two like a lot of people do. I want the woman to understand "this is just casual, no commitment." I had been dating that girl for a month when we were fooling around to that degree, and by that moment, even though I didn't love her, I was starting to get attached. If I'm to have casual, meaningless, sex, I want it the woman to be on the same page...no lies or empty promises, or no "what are we" before or after.

Those type of women are actually very common in big cities, artsy communities and university towns. Perhaps moving to such a place would help.

What I might do is get out of my comfort zone a little and take the T or something and take some classes in the city, both as something to do, work my way toward my bachelor's (I have an associate's in english/writing.)

In the meantime, however, like I said, it's not that I'm strictly opposed to meaningless sex, it's that I'm opposed to the games that come along with it. If it were as simple as two strangers just saying "you look good" "you look good too", getting a room together, I wouldn't be opposed to that. I don't like the whole, go on a couple dates, have sex, then the girl (or guy) asks "Where is this going?" I also don't like the idea of dating a girl, who clearly isn't your type long term, having sex with her after a few dates or a few weeks, and then just breaking up like it was nothing. I'm kind of a "to the point" person. If it's love or has love potential, treat it like that and date and eventually get in a relationship with the person. If it's just two people that want to take each other's clothes off, why the games?

Many people will disagree with me here, but I do sometimes go to clubs and pick up for casual sex. No strings attached. That's what you want right? Both people understand it's a one night stand and then go their separate ways.
I'm an awkward person who never knows how to ask someone out, but a few drinks and a night of dancing and 'oh hey, this isn't my house!'
It's not like I do it once a week. Don't judge me.

I figured it out. My virginity is my special interest. Not women. Not beautiful women. Just the fact that I have "The V card" and can't answer for myself what sex is like and feels like. I need to get over that, but as those of you know who have other special interests, it isn't that easy.

I don't think it will get in the way when I eventually meet my classy brunette girlfriend. I will be too happy that I met someone to talk to and spend time with that I won't have any time to think or care about something so stupid, and eventually we'll have sex anyway and the problem will be over.

Until then, however, I need to find a way to get over this. To the person who recommended bars and clubs to find a hook-up...I'm a totally different person in public. My genuine feelings of wanting a girlfriend show and I don't even really check out women that much.

This is a head game, no more, no less. Why it's so fascinating to me intellectually that I'm a virgin is beyond me. It makes sense why I'm a virgin...I was depressed for years. That alone will make it impossible to talk to the opposite sex. On top of it, I didn't peak lookswise until recently. And I never had a busy social life. So why I care so much that I'm a virgin, I have no idea. It's not like I'm 30 and a virgin. I'm only 26, and could easily meet a girlfriend in the upcoming months.

You probably are. I mean, of course THAT is just as bad an excuse as the AS one, but it's probably true. I was really curious too, and ended up being pretty disappointed with sex. It really isn't the magical thing the media makes it out to be. It's pretty much what you would predict it to be like if you thought it through. Just a couple of people writhing around and getting sweaty for a little while, and then you're all sticky and have to take a shower. Sort of a waste of time, IMO. How good it feels can be roughly predicted by how good if feels when you pleasure yourself. (It's different for different people.) But if you're still curious, you could always try a warm apple pie.

Sorry, I'm probably being completely unhelpful.

Bottom line, I need an understanding practice girl so I can make up my own mind. A certain amount of physical attraction, however, has to be there even for a practice girl. Doesn't have to be my dream girl, but just a girl that I want to see her with her clothes off and go all the way with so I can make up my own mind.

I really don't think it's fair to a prospective girlfriend to be a virgin and find out that sex isn't that important to me but is really important to her or whatever the case may be.

There are "understanding practice girls" available for hire ya know! Look in the phone book under "escorts" There are actual agencies that will send out an attractive girl for you to practice with. Her only expectation from you will be 1) that you wear a condom; 2) that she be paid her agreed upon fee for said services and 3) that you conduct yourself in an otherwise respectful, safe way. In exchange - you get to practice without any strings attached or fear that she will get pregnant (professionals are generally on some sort of contraceptive and, besides, using a condom is mandatory) and she is a "sure thing" - she won't be a "prick tease" for want of a less vulgar term.

Yes, it will set you back some money, but it sure beats the whole looking for a "practice girl" who is only interested in a one time thing with no strings attached.

If experiencing sex just for the purpose of experiencing it is important to you - go ahead and hire a professional sex worker to help you out.

I don't have the money, and never will. I get 400 dollars from the government every month and have to account for every dollar I spend.

I was wondering how perhaps life would be easier if I had just experienced it at a young age like most people, but then I remembered, besides all the things I already mentioned that prevented me from talking to women, I didn't even understand sex. I could point out the act of it on tv and understood which body parts were inserted, but because of my delay, I didn't find out what "semen" was until I was having wet dreams like a mad man at age 18 and had to ask my doctor and my brother what was happening to me. I went through my "masturbate like a mad man" phase at ages 23 and 24. So I wasn't ready anyway.

Then all of a sudden I grew up fast and just realized after dating a few women what I actually wanted in a woman relationship-wise, but as you can see, I'm not ready because of this sex issue.

The good news is, masturbation when necessary takes the edge off, so it's not like "I have to have sex" and will go totally crazy if I don't find a practice girl before I meet a girlfriend.

"I don't have the money, and never will. I get 400 dollars from the government every month and have to account for every dollar I spend."


Holy crap" - $400 *@*& per month - AND YOU HAVE TO ANSWER FOR HOW YOU SPEND IT!! !!

And I thought the social assistance system sucked here!! !! ! A single person on welfare gets over $600 in my province. That is for a person who is able bodied (no disability). This is wayyyyyyy too low and well, well below the poverty level. Don't get me wrong - I don't think that free money should be handed out willy-nilly, but for the love of all things merciful - a person who has a bone fide disability should get enough to live on and still have some left over for a few HA HAs (whatever those HaHa's might be and NOT HAVE TO GIVE AN ACCOUNTING TO ANYONE!! !!

Crikey!! !

It was 500, then they decided "I wasn't disabled enough" and I still get calls forcing me to fill out forms and explain the minute details of Aspergers and why I need 400 dollars.