Confirmation of fears

Post Reply New Topic

I am a closet aspie, no one around me has any idea (that I am aware of). I hold back for two main reasons. One because of a fear of the impact it would have on my parents. It would be a release/relief for me, but I think it would be distressing to my parents to be confronted with the idea that my social awkwardness and self-imposed isolation have deeper roots than simple shyness and lack of confidence (this is what they seem to think based on their actions toward me)

The second reason is a fear of people not accepting the diagnosis. I am very high functioning (I am able to supress most of my "quirks") and I think some would see AS as a cop out, a way to continue being lazy (their reasons for me not going out and participating in "life").

This fear was confirmed by a relative I had breakfast with this morning. The topic of discussion was ADHD (another relative had been diagnosed) and this relative was quite blunt in expressing his opinion that most people with this diagnosis (99% by his reasoning) were people seeking attention and this was true of many/most other behavioral/social conditions. I will say that this relative is generally far more judgmental than most people I know and few would be as opening blunt, but the fear is there that they would silently agree.

This was more for venting than anything. I know I should be true to who I am and let them get over themselves, but this is incredibly difficult for me.

Washington State, are you really from Washington State?

I hear you. And I think you're right. The times I've come out of my various closets, the family et al have gone into denial or blame. There does exist a way to integrate all the parts of oneself into some kind of harmonious public persona. If I ever find out what it is, I'll get back to you. In the meantime, if you asked me for advice, I would say to build a strong support system, possibly consisting of therapists, friends, WP and so on. Personally, I could never have 'come out' about Asperger's during Mom's lifetime.

I'm from WA too.

i understand. i think i may have AS and or ADD, but my mother thinks it's BS. so she wont get me a diagnosis. and my best friend thinks ADD is an excuse for laziness, so i cant really tell her.
once i broke down in tears after a rage, and told her i thought i had AS.....she told me i was looking for an excuse.
that murdered me! this is why i never confide in the parents.

I agree the world is likely to be pretty skeptical about anybody who declares themselves to be Aspie. A lot of people on this forum have said that they think it's better to keep it quiet.

But I think it's important not to take really judgemental people too seriously. There'll always be the occasional thickhead who just wants to rubbish the whole concept.....one devastating question you could ask them is "how can you be so sure?" They might sound very certain of their opinions, but I'll wager most of them haven't studied the subject anything like enough to have such certainty about it. More likely they're just being intellectually lazy, and taking up their position purely because it's convenient for them to believe that's the way it is. So put them on the spot, put the onus on them to prove their sweeping generalisations. Chances are, they'll have very little real information to back up their assertions, and they'll end up looking stupid when they try. If I ever hear any convincing argument that AS is a load of hype, I'll let you know, but until then I'll continue in my belief that there isn't one.

Not that I'm 100% certain that AS exists. There's always the chance that they've gone and lumped the symptoms together wrongly, but I have first-hand knowledge of the individual impairments, and they exist for sure.

As for simply hiding the truth from them, I guess you have to balance the risks.....sometimes it's better not to "come out." But it's important to try to give people the chance to help when the risks aren't too great. I was very anxious about letting my employers know, even though it lloked for all the world as if they'd simply have to accept the situation and make the necessary adjustments. On a very deep level I expected to be disbelieved and labelled as a malingerer, and it took me some time to spill the beans, but so far there's been no dissent and it looks like they're going to co-operate. If I hadn't told them, they'd have continued to misunderstand my behaviour and I think I'd have been feeling a lot worse right now.

The only one in my family that knows about my AS is my wife (who drives me to appointments). I have never addressed it with anyone else because they wouldn't be able to do anything about it anyway. I don't like people (even family) knowing anything about me.

Is aspie the new gay?

I've had this situation before, but people are never openly confrontational about it.

I'm there right now. I'm pretty much convinced I have AS, but no real options for Dx anywhere near me. I'd like to tell my family because it may resolve a lot of issues and expectations, but there are 3 likely outcomes:

1. Denial (No, you don't have it).

2. Dismissal (You're looking for an excuse for your dead end life).

3. Acceptance.

2:3 odds to start with for an unhappy outcome, and I don't put a lot a stock on the third happening without an official Dx from a professional.

Can someone please explain to me, how can you love a family member when you know you have to keep hugely important parts of yourself hidden from them or they'd be nasty to you? It makes me angry at myself that I know I wouldn't be able to love them under such conditions.

TD, I'm all for white lies for the weak (the very old, the sick, the severely traumatized, the very poor, the fate-stricken) as in your case. I'm in the same boat with my father - I haven't told him that I'm the head of an Asperger's organization's local branch. But in the case of otherwise strong people, having to conceal a huge part of who I am from them because they'll be too weak to deal with reality - frankly, it makes me want to puke rather than love them.

Is it maturity or is it cowardice to be able to live a love where you're not loved for who you really are? Is it commendable to be able to enjoy such a love, or is it pathetic? I don't know. I only know I envy those able to relate in such a fake way without feeling frustrated and ultimately having a meltdown, as it happens to me. I can set out with really "noble" goals of helping them delude themselves about me, and not being able to be myself around them in such a huge part of who I am builds inside me as frustration, then anger, then I end up seething inside and ultimately I take it out on them.

However, on this thread I'm the ONLY ONE who finds it hard to do. The rest are only concerned with whether it's morally right, a good idea, etc. - but not with the issue of whether they're able to do it at all without blowing up.

I envy.