I try, but I find it so hard to form friendship with NT's

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A couple of my co-workers were supposed to get together for drinks and a meal this week. It was me, a married couple and a male friend Greg. Greg sent her an email saying we should meet at 9 pm outside of the work building. So yesterday I saw the woman and I asked her "so you and Dan (her husband) are still coming tomorrow, right?"...and she says "yeh sure! I got the email from Greg!".

Next night I show up (I live an hour away by the way) in front of the building, and Greg is the only one there. He says she never responded to my email. He was trying to make excuses for them "well mabye something came up".

I didnt say anything but I take things like that personally. If you dont wanna go, just say so. Dan showed up and we went out but I was expecting them to be there as well. I probably wouldnt have come all the way from where I live if I knew it was gonna be just Greg (no offense to Greg but I thought itd be a bigger thing, is all).

Dont you think its kind of rude to just blow me and Greg off like that, the way she and her hubby did? I work with both of them and know her especially well. I see her everyday. I've known her for years. She always tells me how "awesome" I am. She knows I have aspergers and I THOUGHT she was cool with it. I THOUGHT she put up my quirks, dare I say even liked them a little.

But nope. She turned out to be just like "the rest of them". Thankfully at least Greg is a cool guy. He showed up and went to get a drink with me. I just dont get it. I try to form friendships...I try so hard, but it always ends the same: They say they wanna be friends. They say how "terific" you are. But when push comes to shove, they dont really wanna be your friend.

Its all lip service. People in general, are just selfish b*****s and bastards.

It happens, work friends aren't necessarily the best. They flake quite often, of course I can't say much I get so nervous about going to places I end up not going because I start to feel sick. I don't know, don't dwell on it too much, people have their reasons good or bad. I have a coworker who treats me like his brother and when I say hey let's go do something he's like alright I'm pumped let's do it! Then he goes home and I'm left alone doing nothing.

Yes, some people are like that. But obviously greg wasn't, because he showed up, right?

I tend to dwell on things like this. This woman does volunteer work with kids who have aspergers too, so she told me "I understand what you go through". Yeh, sure. Thats why you blow me off when you claim to be my friend.

Would it have been so hard to reply to Gregs email saying "I dont think me and Dan can make it, but mabye next time"? The painful part is she told me "Yeh! I got Gregs email!" so basically she is telling me upfront she got his email and just chose not to even bother explaining why she wasnt going to come.

Things like this hurt me so much, and its why I dont approach people, or ask people to hang out. People in general are so selfish and hurtful. Im in so much pain right now. I just keep thinking of putting a bullet in my head, 24/7.

Hes a great guy. But...I really trusted this woman. Known her for 2 years and this is the 1st time I felt comfortable organzing something with her (actually Greg organized it, but I agreed too).

It hurt especially hard because I thought she "understood" and cared about my feelings a great deal. You see, I never learn with people. I am always fooled into thinking they give a dam about you, because NT's are good at pretending. They pretend to care about you, pretend to make you think they like you.

But it was all BS. I dont trust this woman anymore. And shes probaly too dumb to even know it, or just doesnt care. I am so sad at this moment.

I realize you are upset but I think you are making too many speculations concerning her intentions and her character.

Maybe there was a legitimate reason she didn't show up. Maybe she is also fake with other people and it has nothing to do with you or you having AS.

But you are perfectly welcome to let others know that you are not completely "mind blind". Go up to her, be civil yet direct and say...

"Hey (her name), we missed you the other night. I hope everything is ok."

At this point she's either going to tell you the truth about why she didn't show up, or invent a lie. If she smiles very big, overly polite, tilts her head, and/or rolls her eyes then she's probably lying. If she doesn't seem quite so happy, if she apologizes, and seems more submissive and less defensive, she's probably telling the truth, or giving some combination of truth and lie.

Either way, simply tell her that "Next time I'd appreciate if you let Greg or I know you if you won't be showing up in advance."

Don't say "Could ya let us know" because less formal is often interpreted as less serious. An aura of formality implies to her that you're more astute than she thinks you are.

Last edited by Chronos on 23 Jul 2010, 12:29 am, edited 1 time in total.

I'll see what she says next time I see her at work. Greg does not have aspergers and he is cool with me, hence why he showed up. Hes an open minded, great guy. I thought she was too. Guess I was wrong. It hurts alot because I really expected better from her. She always seemed so concerned about my feelings. I can usually tell fake people. She didnt seem fake at all. Very warm, and her compliments to me always seemed sincere. But I guess she was a big fat phony.

I'll bet you 10 bucks she doesnt even bring it up. Typical. Neuro-Typical, that is.

Again, this might have nothing to do with you or your AS. She said she got the e-mail. She didn't say she sent a reply. So it's perfectly plausible that Greg actually didn't get a reply and figured she was coming. There are many reasons she may not have showed up. Maybe she got into a fight with her husband. Maybe she has a lot of things on her mind and forgot. Maybe she was just tired and too inconsiderate to call.

I don't see any basis for you to believe so strongly the assumption that it has to do with your AS over the many other options except perhaps your own insecurity on the matter or things you have not communicated to us.

Yeh, there's always a story.

How about for once, when I ask someone to get a cup of coffee with me, they just "show up" and have a cup of coffee with me? I seriously doubt when it happens OVER AND OVER again that things are just "coming up" I mean thats wishful thinking.

At some point you have to just say "people just dont like me". I have realized that now, and Im sad about it.