Disclaimer: Don't think I am trying to convince people I am on the spectrum. I guess the fact that this all bugs me could be indication that I am just an incredibly sensitive NT. If that's the case, I apologize. If that's the case then I hope that it provides evidence that not all "NT" are typical. I don't want this to be a thrashing post. I already feel thrashed upon.
My six year old is on the spectrum and so is my husband.
So, my neighbors have a girl with Aspergers. She is in junior high school. This girl is a lot like the way I was. She seems social, too. Her meltdowns are similar to mine, her nonverbal skills are like mine, just everything. Her academic skills are definitely a lot higher than mine was in school, I have learned to adapt. There is a lot more. Sensory issues (couldn't stand being touch and still have a problem), fine motor issues (severe), directional impairment, always dropping things, etc etc. The girls mother thinks I am on the spectrum. I honestly just think I have some traits but I am more ADHD who doesn't think ahead. Perhaps I am or perhaps I am just an oversensitive "NTer" who has a combination of traits that may be similar to autism but not autism itself.
When I was 7 years old, I remember being in a department store and a girl walked by me and she smiled. I thought, is this what people do and then started to smile all the time but I didn't know when to stop smiling. Was it when they were completely gone or immediately right when they smiled. I was a loner yet felt like I could relate to the other loners. I felt bad for them. I didn't know how to relate to others. Why did others have friends and I didn't. I never did know how to act in social situations. I often mimicked others and just watched people to try to get information on how to be. The great thing is that I was considered the mascot for a little while. I was so very small that it was considered cute.
I remember having a solo in junior high. When the concert was on, I remember a little girl singing a certain way. I switched to mimic her. It was a disaster. That was my life. In the fourth grade, I went up to a girl who looked like a boy and said, "Are you a boy or a girl?" It was just a question, I didn't know that it could actually effect her until college. You can't just ask questions like that. I always did things like that. They are just questions, afte rall.
I never ate in the cafeteria, not once. The cafeteria was horrible. I chose the library or went by myself to smoke and think - I no longer smoke. I did find a group to skip with. They didn't seem to judge as much as they went through a lot of things in their life as well. The anxiety associated with walking down the halls and the depression that went with all of my difficulties were huge. It didn't help that people made fun of me when I walked down the halls. I did nothing to them. Why did they do that? Was it the way I dressed? I never did know how to dress. I never noticed things like that.
After high school, I started college at a community college. I started to become somewhat successful as I had all these different ways to act in specific situations. I started to become cognizant that in order to really be successful, I had to pay attention to people even more. Really study them. The sensory issues before seemed to prevent this from happening. I would usually just pick one that was shown to me by one person. Does that make sense. Then sometimes I would mess up. It's like I was friends with someone and then I wasn't, why? I often went in and out of depression and anxiety because of this and not being able to handle a lot of situations. IT was hard.
I ended up becoming a residential advisor in college and was successful. Many people said I was really social. When I got close to people, however, I would say one thing to offend someone. Why does it take one thing and that's it. Also, why is it that people hardly mention "said" thing. There is nothing like trying to connect with people, feeling like you connect and then having them eventually ignore your presence. It doesn't matter because people just like to hear themselves talk. If you smile and nod, they are happy. That is if they even give you a chance.
I am pretty successful at my job. In my meetings with parents, I can look at the way they are acting and pretty much follow that in saying what I need to say. I do need facts first, enough of facts combined with information to do this. Parents usually say that I am easy to work with. That is great. Yet, my coworkers end up not really socialize with me beyond work. I have been told that I offend people but I am not told that a lot. Mainly it has something to do with my emails. If I start my emails asking, "How are you?" then everything seems to work out. If I don't, people get upset. How can being direct offend people. When I lived on the east coast, life seemed a bit easier.
Every time I change schools (where I work), I get really upset that they don't do things the same way as the other school so I kind of flip out. I notice little things that they do wrong. I don't make it really obvious until something happens like a popcorn popper near my office while I am trying to work. I have to force myself to be really calm and just tell people that the situation isn't working. Once I get used to a place (about six months later) everything is great. I have learned that I need to apologize to clear the air. Those people seem so thankful that I do that. I always thought I had an ability to adapt but now I realize perhaps I am mistaken. I really don't know. I do have a lot of anxiety, a lot, especially with the unknown. The unknown surrounds me everyday. It's a lot of pressure trying to be a certain way or you may get fired or talked to.
I have to constantly check myself and make sure I am acting in a way that some other people act. I ask other people who do my job if I can sit in meetings with them just to see how they act. I need that script. I need to see how people act during meetings, see what they say to make sure I am doing it right. I have to do that because if I don't it could mean my job. Sometimes I have an off day. Those days I often forget to check myself and then end up a complete mess at meetings. It is those days where I almost lose my job. Yes, it has happen only a few times but I guess that is all it takes. I have been so successful most of the time yet why does it take so very little to tick people off or to make them doubt you.
So, here I am. I just went to a meeting at church and hardly anyone approached me. I went to a women's retreat and played a game with a few people and felt like I was connecting. Even after the retreat, most don't approach me. I do have difficulty knowing who were the ones that I did talk to. Not everyone but a few. I sometimes don't recognize their faces. It doesn't bother me somewhat. It bothers me not knowing what it is that I am doing.
My husband thinks I am strange because I dread going to church early because you have that shaking of heads, saying hi, along with asking the same questions. It drives me nuts. My husband who is on the spectrum thinks it's weired that I am that way yet he isn't. When I do go, most people don't talk to me anyways. The last time I talked with them seemed to be enough for them. The stress isn't worth it.
I definitely have some NT traits regardless as noted on one of my posts here. Perhaps I am just an incredibly sensitive "NT' person. I quoted NT because I do have my difficulties such as ADHD. Perhaps it's the ADHD that has caused me to not notice certain things. I don't know.
I really don't like making eye contact for a long period of time. It's sometimes so difficult to take in all of that information at the same time. Yet, at the same time, I do a wonderful job doing that in my job. I don't get it. I am friends with people who are Deaf and don't have difficulties making eye contact then.
I diagnose disabilities in the educational setting. When I do adaptive measures with parents, I know that I would have been low as a child. I have question a lot of kids who have been diagnosed to be on the spectrum because they are a lot like me. I question about 25% of them. How can they be on the spectrum if they are like me? Perhaps that is telling. I don't know.
I am honestly thinking that I shouldn't open my mouth. I am more successful when I don't. I have noticed that I am more successful at meetings when I only open my mouth when it's my turn to talk. It's easier that way, anyways.
The one thing that has been happening lately is that I have bought jewlery. It's strange that such a simple thing can cause a lot of women to talk with me. They say things like, "I love your jewlery. I love your outfit." I then start talking about where I bought it and things like that. It really doesn't make sense to me. Why is that so important to people? So, I have been buying tons of it. It's like an addiction now. I now think it's pretty. I don't care if I never connected with those people, really because those kind of conversations are just strange and materialistic anyways. It's just kind of interesting to figure out
So, I just wanted to share. I read your posts and think, "I can completely relate." . That causes me to think it is just finding commonality, like I do with my husband and child. Perhaps that's it. If that's it, then I hope people here realize that you can't cram all NT's into a neat little box.
Last edited by natesmom on 09 Nov 2009, 12:01 am, edited 4 times in total.
08 Nov 2009, 11:32 pm
