New to this website.......

Post Reply New Topic

Hello,

Although I have followed this website sporatically, this is my very first post here. I was diagnosed with AS at 14. I'm rather confused, hurt, and I need feedback from like minded individuals.

I had a close friendship with a NT named Shannon for 8 years. She took an interest in me early, and we became friends. Although I did not have any romantic feelings for her, I cared for her like no one else I knew. She had romantic feelings for me at one time, because she asked me out. I turned her down, and her feelings subsided into more of a brother-sister relationship.

I told her about AS, and she stated that now she knows why I turn a simple open-ended question into a 10-minute lecture, or why I don't get hints and whatnot. I was very open with her, and she accepted it and gave me encouragement. We exchanged e-mails quite extensively. She was a customer at my store; that is how we met. I have always had a fragile mind full of self-doubt. I asked her if it was alright if I sent her e-mails to let me get my frustrations out if I needed to. She said yes, and she'd be there for me anytime. I said she could do the same to me, and she did that once. She called me All-Star, her FFL, she said she cared for me like a brother, etc. She was the friend I trusted the most.

Then last Wednesday, I received an e-mail stating that our friendship was over. Her reasoning is that our lifestyles are no longer similar and I am too close to her. I felt that was a lie because she never said anything that would cause me to believe otherwise in the past. I said what? Why? What am I doing wrong? The next day, she said I did nothing wrong but she was being selfish and letting me go. I broke down in tears in my empty classroom after she said that. I e-mailed her back saying that I cannot think logically right now, so I'll send my goodbye e-mail during the weekend. I did, and in it I asked her to really think this through. This entire process came out of leftfield - like she decided that out of the blue. I really wanted to think that over critically because she will never have a more loyal friend than myself, that I never took advantage of her sexually or financially, that I was always there for her. She replied back that I deserved closure, that she thought about it for a few months but acted like she was my friend on the surface because I do not have many friends, that I do have my self-doubts, etc. She said that I was a true friend but she was not, and that she needed space, I was too clingy, I'd always talk about our friendship but not "let's just be friends", and that she was tired of the doubting. I told her time after time that if she got sick of any of that to tell me. I would back off, I would and I could. Before that e-mail she said that was never a problem, but it was because she was thinking about it for awhile. I just wish she told me. She used my AS against me and abandoned me. I understand her frustrations, but she knows I do not pick up on hints. I wish she told me before this. I am hurt deeper than the bottom of the Pacific Ocean.

I cried and cried and cried for days. I only have three friends because - well, I just cannot make friends. I try, I try, I try, and when I find someone I put everything I have into that relationship only to get hurt.

Have you ever been in situations like this before? How did you handle it? How did you get over it? How did you move on? How can Aspies not be so clingy when they have few friendships.

Any input is highly appreciated.

Thanks,

-Chris-

Well... my solution was not to really care about friendships.

I went through a phase in the fifth grade when I wanted friends, but I quickly got over it. Since then, I've had friends that I could take or leave, and generally drifted apart when we were no longer frequenting the same location (work, school, a hobby club).

I care about people; I just don't form relationships easily, nor do I want to spend a lot of time with people.

But this is probably not your ideal solution. I am and have always been very introverted... as a child, almost unaware of other people around me; as an adult, just interested in other things.

It is difficult when friendships are a major focus in the life of a person who has difficulty making friends. I don't know a solution to your problem, but I do hope you find one.

Greetings, Chris, and welcome.

Maybe her lifestyle is now changing from single to married or at least to something like "romantically involved" and she is afraid your closeness might be misunderstood by someone else and she does not want you to think she is rejecting you for someone else?

I once had a friendship similar to yours come to an end when a sister-friend got married, so I do know at least a little of what you are feeling. As difficult as this can be, it is time to let her move on along in her own life.

I hope you enjoy WrongPlanet!

Here is my opinion. This is just my own personal opinion.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3A1iBN3ZJXE

It is possible to stop caring about making friends and build a life for yourself that doesn't involve other people. This is what I did and I've been happy ever since.

In fact, I actually socialise better with people now that I don't desperately try to fit in with them. Once you learn to take other people with a grain of salt, you can interact with them completely on your own terms.

Welcome Chris!

I think she's being silly, but at least she notified you about her reasons. Similar thing used to happen to me all the time as well - first they would like me (god knows why), then they would decide they don't any more (god knows why). Now I never expect my friendships to last anyway. Gaining an objective approach can be very beneficial - the same old pattern is bound to repeat anyway.

I don't think you did anything wrong and there's no reason for you to doubt yourself. Her decision reflects only her, not you - NTs abandon and get abandoned all the time as well, except that they do it in a bit more dramatic manner, as can be seen here.

I think if she was a true friend she would not have abandoned you, but frailty thy name is NT, eh?

Welcome to WP!

Thanks for the feedback. I'll just address respondees one by one:

Callista - I certainly share the same philosophy that you do on all regards. It's interesting, I don't really want to spend a lot time with people either. However, I certainly wish that I had a network of friends that I could go to. In essence, I want to talk to people but am afraid to talk to people. It's a double-edged sword.

Leejoespho - Knowing Shannon, she would have told me if she was in a relationship. I highly doubt that was the cause, although I do know that does occur. A former friend did that to me several years ago when she became engaged. She pushed all of her guy friends out of her life.

Coadunate - I was clingy, but my life didn't revolve around her as seems to be the case with the gentleman in the video clip.

EnglishInvader - For some Aspies, they are comfortable not having friends. I will never fit that mold.

Booyakasha - I know people abandon each other all the time, but I just don't understand it sometimes. The thing that is difficult to comprehend about NTs is that they will say one thing, then do another. That seemed to be the case with Shannon.

Tim_Tex - Thanks! Thanks to everyone else who welcomed me.