"You people"

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I went to an Asperger "support" group yesterday for the first time.... only it wasn't very supportive. The lady who ran it referred to group members, and people with autism generally, as "you people". She is, of course, an NT. Her general line of reasoning was that due to having Aspergers we were getting certain things "wrong", and if we could learn to get them "right" then life would be oh so much better. I could rant for pages and pages about the specific things she said that were complete BS, but you've heard it all before many times, I'm sure. The catch is, this is the only "service" in my region for people with AS.

Also, whilst we're at it, one of the group members came with his support worker. This SW was opinionated and aggressive. He belittled my life experience (which is vastly more than his, I'll bet) and spoke as if he alone had the God-given gift of knowing the answers to my problems. God help the poor dude he was "supporting".

Me and my flatmate (who also has AS - cool arrangement, by the way, I'd recommend it) have decided that we are going to set up our own self-support group and steal all her group members. In the meantime, we have resolved to go to her meetings, behave disruptively, disagree with everything she says and persuade the other group members to do likewise.

Anyone else get "supported" like this? Anyone else pissed off about it? I know we support each other a lot on-line and that works best for most people.... but does anyone here have experience of setting up face-to-face self-support groups? Is this something we should be more active about, instead of leaving it to self-important and ignorant NT workers? Please note, I'm not an NT hater, I've met lots of cool NTs, but many working in the health/social sector seem to have a deeply patronising attitude.

If you want the job done properly, you got to do it yourself....

Sounds very condescending and patronizing, whereabouts in the UK is this? Just so's I know which support group to never attend.....

That doesn't seem to be a very supportive group at all at all. I view that you are correct with creating your own group. It may be hard but it's worth doing.

A support group is supposed to be supportive and from what you've said in your post, this group's 'supervisors' (for want of a better term) won't even let you have the strenght of your own experience. I can imagine a person coming there for support and leaving far less empowered than they started.

"You people", arg. I probably would have started back at her, using this type of language. Saying "You people on the health/social sector are a bunch of ninnys" and then asking her how it felt to be refered as "you people". I have a low tolerance for A**hats, those two people qualify as A**hats.

This is in devon, which is pretty rural, but has two or three larger cities, so I would have expected better (silly me)



That's the word I was looking for - it was completely disempowering.... it wasn't about people with AS sharing their experiences and finding their own solutions, it was about some woman, who didn't have a clue, telling me what I should do with my life. I really think there's a huge need for us aspies to put together our own support networks.... wrongplanet is a great achievement, and shows it can be done - but a lot of us also want to meet face-to-face. I was just reading a post by a young guy about how gutted he is not having any friends or social contact. I'm gonna look into this self-support group idea some more - how hard can it be? Just stick a few posters up around town, put the kettle on for when people turn up, and just see what happens I guess!!

I was gonna suggest that, but then I saw that you were already planning it.
(That is a cool arrangement with the AS roommate. Kris is an engineer, so he's very AS-ish anyways (and doesn't tend to notice AS-ish-ness) and whenever we get new roommates, I'm always hoping they'll be nice AS-ish people who won't be offended by by quietness and weirdness..)

That said, the first thing I thought when I saw just the title of your post was the sillyness of the whole issue over the term "you people." Now, in this case, it seems like you were referring more to the attitude, and the fact that the person running the support group was so very unsupportive. But in general, I take issue with the term "you people" being so incredibly "offensive." I think it expresses fairly well that you're speaking to a group of people to which you do not belong, for whatever reason. Why is that assumed to be offensive? I know it is, and that people get all pissed off and say things like "what do you mean you people?" But I don't quite get it. If you're addressing a group of people that does not include yourself, why is "you people" so wrong?

Hi Maggiedoll... I think it's all about the motive. It's about why that individual feels the need to differentiate themselves from you. If the motive is ill-intended, then it's definitely offensive, but sure, if there's no ill-meaning, then it's just a description.

I've noticed people who run these things tend to be very patronising. I went to one and it sort of sickened me, will never go back. Whats worse is im high funcioning and probably know more about life and s**t than her. But because of some label a doctor slapped on me, i'm a ret*d.

^^ Yea, but what I meant is that just the term can be considered offensive. Usually "you guys" is considered less offensive, but that's less descriptive if it's a mixed group of guys and girls, and technically, it's more casual and should possibly be considered more offensive, but nobody ever gets yelled at for saying "you guys" just for saying "you people."

The AS here (Israel) also grouped together and no NT is allowed
Though I'm too autistic to attend any group at all i think it is the only way to get real support for people like us
At another thread i claimed that AS could have meaningful relationship only with another AS but i was told i was going to far
I don't think so

I think it's certainly easier to get on with other AS people than with some NTs (maybe not all). I'm really lucky that I know 4 or 5 aspies as face-to-face friends (although we don't see each other often), and a lot of people I guess don't have that. Putting our own groups together is the way forward, I'm convinced of it. I just noticed someone started a thread asking for people who'd be willing to co-ordinate meetups to come forward.... so if anyone's interested, please let them know!

Get together with the other AS people in the group, and take over the group. I'm serious. If you guys repeatedly and honestly say you disagree with her, she'll either get pissed and look really immature, or else she'll realize she's in the minority. NTs are vulnerable to peer pressure like that. How do I know it works?... I've seen it happen in my own local AS group.

Do my parents count? They definitely 'support' and 'help' me like that.

I've had terrible luck with counselors and support groups. I always run into people who take no interest in me and speak to me with condescending airs. This is not just me being biased; one of my counselors was too busy hitting on my brother to talk to me, and treated me with contempt (she was later fired for "inappropriate conduct" regarding one of her patients).

Another was obsessed with my weight, constantly making snide observations. My sessions with her ended when one day I came into the room distraught, having just recently learned that my twin nieces were born with Osteogenesis Imperfecta, and not only did she not listen, she chose that moment to once again chide me for my weight.

I gave up on counseling and support groups after having bad experience after bad experience. I'm beginning to wonder if people are even capable of giving emotional support. Not just that, but relatives and "friends" have been similarly callous, and sometimes similarly hostile. I come from a family of "macho" men who do not acknowledge emotional pain as significant, or even existent. Any talk of one's problems results in either an uncomprehending stare, a "shut up," or an accusation of "whining." More often then not I'm told to simply "get over it."

Nowadays I simply keep to myself, having given up on people entirely.

I'm really sad to read your story, Komodo. And it seems so many people go through the same thing. My flatmate was just saying how bad it is when someone might be screaming for help and still no-one listens. I totally agree about "macho" environments, I come from a similar background, and I feel so lucky now to have a few good friends that I can talk openly with about these things.

The more I've been reading today, on this thread and in other places, the more convinced I am that we have to become more active in supporting each other. It's hard as aspies to get it together, to meet with new people or to organise things, but we desperately need services that work for us, and perhaps the only way we're gonna get them is to create them for ourselves.

I agree with starting your own group, and attending the original group for a while to get to know the people and invite them to yours. What I don't agree with is being disruptive. It would only get you asked to leave and reinforce the group leaders sense of superiority that she is better than "You (Us - cause I'm an Aspie) People". I would suggest that you disagree politely and have your facts ready to back up anything you disagree about. Not that you have to know chapter and verse of everything written about the topic, but make sure she and everybody else can see you know what your talking about. During the breaks or after the meetings, speak to a couple of people each time. Ask how they like the group, do they feel that the leader is condescending also? If they say yes, or hesitate like they don't want to say yes but they really think it, then mention "Me and my friend are thinking about starting a group, if we decide to, would you be interested in attending and seeing how you like it?" But be as polite there as you can because being labeled a troublemaker doesn't help anyboy.


As for the term "you people" I live in the Deep South and it's an offensive but common thing to hear here. It's mainly used for minorities, and mainly in a sentence something like "You people need to learn to...". It's the inverse to "credit to your race". Grrrr, I dislike racists. I just say "yall" when I mean any group of people lol.

PaganMom

robinhood - when i read your post, all i could think of was, if it were me, i probably would have got up and left. i wouldn't tolerate it. then i would notify whoever and let them know what occurred. then, if possibly go somewhere else.

but... that would be the idea. knowing how hard it is to find any group, it was probably difficult. so few, or very far to travel to. at least by me - an hour away. there supposed to something closer - but they don't "do" anything.

hang in there.