company holidays, crowds and noise

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I'm feeling really discouraged tonight. I just got home from a holiday party I had been looking forward to (albeit with some trepidation) and I'm frustrated by the fact that I felt so out of the loop during festivities. other people seemed capable of following multiple threads of conversations with loud music in the background, but I felt lost

I almost broke into tears twice. my salvation was being familiar with a couple of people and being able to carry on short and broken conversations with them.

most of the time, though, I sat quietly in my chair eating. it made me feel so out of place.

the music and conversation seemed a constant din from which it was impossible to identify a whole sentence.

is this AS, or is my hearing just bad, or does everyone experience noisy situations like this? I hate feeling like I'm defective

Some Neurotypicals to one extent or another feel crowded and confused in loud and noisy places; simply they [neurotypicals] have a higher threshhold and can withstand it better socially; and notice faces and differing conversation threads better out of the general chatter. Also see that the neurotypicals love socializing and may consider this crowding a good thing.

Also see body space varying off personality, culture (e.g. a white dude in the rural midwest usa has a longer private bubble than a Japanese dude who grew up in an ultradense part of Tokyo.)

Party crowds are difficult, but there are some ways to find a way around them... but it depends on the party.

Usually I try to find someone I know and go near the sides of the room, to avoid the 'clash' in the middle. Other times I helped out with a little job (like making name badges), when it were colleagues or friends of mine doing the work. Sometimes I left early.
Sometimes there are smokers outside, a chat with them can be good, they are a bit more relaxed than people inside.

But I try to avoid these events when possible.

Very introverted neurotypicals hate socialising in noisy crowded places.

Inability to filter out background noise in order to be able to "tune in" to a particular source is definitely an AS trait. For sure some NTs have difficulties in party situations for a lot of reasons that an AS person might also experience - like lack of self-confidence. But the auditory thing you described is a documented feature of AS. I think Temple Grandin describes it in her work, and so does Tony Attwood.

I find that immediately there are two sources of noise, for instance, a conversation I'm supposed to be part of, and another conversation going on nearby, then I start to feel confused, and almost nauseous with the amount of concentration I have to devote in order to stay with what's being said. It's like all of the different noises I hear are coming in at the same volume, and I can't turn the one I want to hear up, nor can I turn the other ones down.

I find it easier to step away from a crowd with someone I want to talk with - I can just say "oh let's go over here, it's a bit noisy right now" or whatever, and people don't usually mind.

I struggled with this at a recent holiday party too. I didn't do too badly at first, but later on, as the music got unreasonably loud and the crowds swelled, I simply couldn't make out any of the conversations I was involved in over the background noise.

I think part of how other people manage is related to the intensified eye contact they seem to hold at these times. Even if you can't fully hear someone's voice, you can infer some meaning from their eyes and also lip-read to some extent. It still didn't help me a whole lot, but if nothing else I could gather enough information to guess whether I should laugh, nod, or give other vague reactions to what was being said.

My moms ears are always ringing when she goes to these.

People are very hard to hear in noisy places. I have no idea how they do it. I have to strain my ears to try and hear them and I get real close and I look at their mouths. I wish they speak louder. One lady at my old job once asked me if I was deaf. I told her I wasn't and I am just hard of hearing when the room is real noisy because everyone is talking. I noticed how no one got close to each other to hear.


What's the difference between aspies having this issue and normal people?

Nope, it's not just you. I believe that most NTs have 'selective' hearing, while most people with AS have 'nondiscriminatory' hearing.. just a stupid theory of mine, but it goes like this. NTs can actually block out background noise and focus on one, or more than one, point of interest, and if they're doing more than one thing at once, their brains are able to filter the input so the output goes to the correct place. People with AS, on the other hand, cannot select what they hear in a situation of multiple stimuli. Their brains receive inputs from various places, and are unable to filter or separate them. Make sense?

Don't be discouraged, though. At least you went. That's a step in the right direction. The only way to get better at socialization is to step out of your comfort zone and practice it. Good job!

I have the same problem in situations like that.

One other thing, which no one else seems to have mentioned, is that in addition to the stress of not being able to fit in and follow what's going on, there is this:

I start feeling annoyed at the fact that they turn the music up so loud to begin with. I personally like silence, or maybe a little music in the background, but not thumping through my head. So I start thinking, "What the heck is wrong with ever other person in the universe, that they actually choose to play it so loud that you can't even communicate with each other? And why do they assume that everyone wants to hear that music??"

Does that make sense? The fact that every other person seems to prefer the loud, thumping music (or ghastly renditions of Christmas carols by pop stars), just makes me feel more alienated. It's like I'm the only person in the group who is not annoyed by it, so it must be myself who is the weird one.


Of course, this is all moot, because it's been years since I've gone to a Christmas party. So far the most Christmasy thing I've done is buy a cookie decorated like a Christmas tree.

My AS support group had a holiday party today. Everyone else was chattering away, forming little groups, all relaxed and having a good time. I felt confused and frozen like I always do. It bothered me a lot. I thought - really? Even in a room full of Aspies, I'm still the odd one out?

I had to run into Wal-Mart and pick of a few things and it was HORRIBLY busy. I almost had a meltdown, prevented only by a hot chick with cerebral palsy who came up to me in her wheelchair and asked if I was OK.

I've struggled too.. worst part is that I feel guilty about it. It was actually nice when my parents came down here to visit, but when we went up there for Thanksgiving.. I felt so uncomfortable! And there wasn't even anybody there who I was particularly uncomfortable with! Just maybe the whole group thing.. Even if you're alright with the people in a group, just the group-ness can be problematic, I guess.
I've noticed that my general level of dysfunctional-ness just massively decreases when I'm not around groups of people. Alone, or with a few people who aren't demanding, I actually get to be "saner" than I ever expected myself to be. (And "demanding" only means asking things that I find stressful.. just asking me to do something or help with something--especially with specific directions as to what it is that I should do--isn't "demanding".. it's only "demanding" if it's something that makes me feel stressed. Like I help my disabled next-door neighbor out with stuff all the time.. that doesn't feel "demanding" because carrying something for him or putting something away or squeezing back between the wall and his computer to hook something up isn't stressful, and it makes me feel nice to help. Asking me to talk or make a decision is demanding. Asking me to carry in your groceries or put your stuff in boxes so that the carpets can be replaced is fine, though. LOL, that sounds a bit silly, huh?)
Um, I hope that made sense.. at least a bit..

I am going to one tomorrow, it's just a pot luck.


I don't really socialize with other aspies either and I'm on the edge of the spectrum and I am still shy or finding it hard to join while they all probably have more? I know, just start talking. Problem solved.



Then of course I felt felt a little sensory overload coming when aspies start talking at once.

This has been my experience and being aware of my AS now means that I tend to be more alert to how out of place I really am.