I thought I'd ask the experts

Post Reply New Topic

Since people with Aspergers syndrome are obviously the authority on the subject, I thought I'd explain my circumstances and get peoples opinions of what I should do in my situation. I find myself sort of stuck in a rift between having a diagnosis and not having one. My parents were told by a therapist when I was about 10 that in his view I clearly had Aspergers syndrome. However, the sessions ended, nothing was really done and my parents really never told me much about it til recently. I dont actually have a formal diagnosis on my medical records, so, as I say, I'm stuck in a void really.

OK, heres my life in brief:- From when I started school I had a superior vocabularly to other kids, however this came coupled with very fast speech. I also found, and still find eye contact impossible. I would look away always, due to an unstoppable compulsion to run or look away when I looked someone in the eyes, and also feared that they could read my mind. This remains the same to this day. This remains the case today. As I progressed through school, I developed obsessive interests with various things, including transformers (the toys) and particularly history. One of my fondest memories as a child is of posing complex theories about Ancient Egypt and other historical topics to baffled primary school teachers. It was clear I always had a level of historical knowledge far beyond my class mates, and studied the subject extensively in my spare time.
However, I did, of course have problems. Essentially, I could not relate in any way to kids of my age, and was concious of this from a very early time. To me, they seemed illogical, irrational and above all, stupid. I had little interest in them, but did did try to make approaches to them, as you do as a child. I was however, and still am, utterly incapable of establishing friendships of any sort. I was disliked and bullied right through primary school, by the majority of the kids. Towards the end of primaty shcool, I began physically retaliating against my tormentors, and was refered eventually to what is called an ART therapist. After several sessions with him over a few months, he essentially told my parents that he believed that I had Aspergers syndrome, that it would get worse as I got older due to social contact becoming more complex. He handed them a piece of paper about the condition, and basically told them to see how I went for now.

So, I moved on to secondary school. My interest in history remained, and I jumped through various obsessions. I became obsessed by video games, which remains to this day. I literally study them, their review scores, sales etc... I was bullied right through to 16, again by a huge number of my peers. I initially became upset about my failure to fit in, and became alot more quiet and withdrawn. At about 14 I simply stopped caring, and decided that I was superior to these animalistic people, and that I simply didn't care about them. I was continually bullied both physically and emotionally until 16. During my college and university years, I have simply kept myself to myself. I have tried to socialise, but found it impossible to make friends. I simply have no idea where to begin. I can hold conversations, but cant really build relationships. I had to take a year out of my university course, due to anxiety problems caused by, among other things, being forced to work in a group situation on a project. I HATE socialising. Its not shyness. I dont care what anyone thinks of me really, but I find people so hard to predict what people will do, or understand them on any level, so socialising upsets me. I cant deal with people my own age at all. They're alien to me on every level. I cope better with older people, but its hard. My eye contact is awful. Looking people in the eye is impossible. I compensate by looking at the bridge of people's noses, or elsewhere on their face, which is almost second nature to me now, but I still look away alot. I still talk very fast. I dont have any real friends, but nor do I really desire any. I have never really made a friend in my life. The entire concept puzzles me really. I prefer being on my own with my own interests. I've never had a girlfriend, nor do i really desperately need one. Most people of my age go out partying and drinking etc...I have no desire to do this, and dont understand why anyone would want to do this. I just see it as pointless behaviour. My social skills are rubbish, I am very intelligent, and have a good vocabulary, but despite this I seem to come accross as stupid, especially to my own age group. I cant start or maintain conversations easily. I mostly end up speaking in circles. I have always felt that other people comunicate via a form of telepathy which I cant comprehend. The concepts of 'social cue's and 'body language' which i have encountered while reading upm on Aspergers are pretty strange concepts. I'm not even sure I know what they are! My facial expressions are limited to a permanet serious look, which people often confuse for me being sad when I'm fine. I really do understand about smiling when happy and having a sad face when sad, but I just dont see the point so dont bother. I am pretty disliked by my father i think, due ti my odd behaviours, but am very close to my mother, who also speaks of Aspergers traits of her own. I have got very bad anxiety problems. The slightest thing can set me off into terrible anxious, depressive states when i basically shut down. I also have obsessions with order, and everything I own is in alphabetical order. I cant sleep when things aren't strait on shelves. When I'm in a book shop and see books out of order, i have to put them in order. I hate change, and do wash my hands a lot.

Which brings me to my current problem. I have finished university and need to get a job. However, due to my anxiety and social problems, I simply dont think I'll cope with it. Any jobs requires interacting with people which i dont feel capable of doing really. I feel totally incapable of existing in this world. I am a odd, anti-social person in a world which wants normal, social people. I never really knew about Aspergers until about a year ago. I knew my parents were told I apparently had this, and my father often used it as an insult to me when I did something odd. I thought it referred to some sort of hyper-activity of some kind. I've recently read up on it, and the symptoms do seem to fit me very well.

Anyway, sorry for going on and on, but I just want to ask:-

a) Do I sound like someone with Aspergers
b) What can I do to solve my social/anxiety problems so I can realistically hold a job?

Thanks.

I'd say there's a good chance you do if it was suggested when you were a kid by a professional. I can't diagnose based on what else you mention, but that's a pretty good indication, in my opinion. See how much you can relate to the basic sorts of issues. Sensory sensitivity, narrow interests, literal interpretations of language, possible stimming behaviors, and so on. When I was growing up I compulsively twirled my hair and was discouraged by family members, but I loved being alone because I could do it without being reprimanded; to me a fairly strong sign of being on the spectrum. I did this for years and years, and was never able to see anything off about it...my stepmom called it a "nervous habit," and I said "but I don't do it when I'm nervous," -- I didn't really get what she meant.

a) Most likely.

b) Not sure. I'm able to do what is expected in an interview, but I rarely get hired. I can simulate what is expected, but I doubt it comes across as genuine. I know with eye contact I forced myself to be more consistent when talking with others. Since I know the key to getting a job is to make a connection with the person doing the hiring, I try to watch what I say and see if I can capitalize on something that will help that happen. Not very successful. Someone good at job coaching might be able to help you if you want to fast track your ability to adapt in this area. They can see what you're doing wrong and objectively help you work at minimizing them.

Holding a job has always been difficult for me because I just get so wound up by the people I work with. I always feel like 'Can't you people just leave me alone and let me do my job???'

If you were able to make it through college, I think you should be able to hold a job, but you should talk to the people who love you and ask them what behaviors you need to express. What you have to remember is that most people are crazy so you shouldn't worry about their opinion of you. What do you think of you? I relate to what you said about fearing eye contact because you think they can read your mind. I went through a phase where I thought that everyone knew all of my secrets and it was very debilitating, but I made it through that. In my experience you just have to suffer through it, because you CAN get past that. If you're not sure what to say, then don't say anything. This has worked for me, and if you f**k up, there is always an opportunity to redeem yourself.

Do yourself a favor and don't try to be like everybody else, just love yourself and learn how to be polite, and I think you will be ok.

disclaimer: I am not an 'expert'.