Learning to think before you say or a punch in the arm

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I often say things without thinking. I say what comes to my head and there is no time to think before saying it. This is real life, not the internet. There is no pause button and I can't pause the situation and think and then say it. But my husband said there is the pause button in our brains so I do have time to think. I couldn't even explain to him how it's so difficult and not that simple. He just kept saying there is a pause switch in your brain making it sound like it was simple.
He told me he also used to have the same problem and then when he got to his teens, his friend started punching him in the arm every time he say something inappropriate and it hurt so much, he started to think after being hit three times.
He told me he should start punching me to teach me and I said it wouldn't work and he said it will too because it will make me think. I told him to just spank me every time and he said that won't work because I love getting that. But I told him punch me in the arm, I'd go mute and be too afraid to speak. Then bam, my AS is worse thanks to not talking much. Then he said the punishment could be sex since it's a chore for me and it make me think twice. He told me I would fail to be quiet because I love to talk. I told him I would just speak if spoken to but no conversations. He said I would still fail.
No if I just tried very hard, I will do good. I've done it before when I kept pissing off my dad's cousin and she kept calling me rude and stuff because my voice was loud, I was interrupting and I said things that shouldn't have been said. So I did the silent treatment to make her proud and mom told me only way to make her proud was if I didn't have AS and I shouldn't have to be quiet. She wanted me to just be myself and keep talking and don't worry about her. She thought my parents should punish me every time but because they didn't, I was a spoiled brat for my disability. I just learn by experiance of what not to say. I found that the easiest way to learn.

So would a punch in the arm help you over come this trait, why or why not?
Every time you say something rude or inappropriate, you get a punch in the arm.

I think that a punch in the arm will not help. This tactic was used by my brother to get me to drive faster. He would punch me in the arm every time a car would pass me on the freeway. I never drove faster, and my arm would just get sore from being hit.

But then again, your trying to negociate something between you and your husband. I wasn't given a choice. I was just hit.

I do not have any good suggestions either. I have noticed that I have a slight pause before I reply to people. But that pause does not stop me from saying something innapropriate.

My brain doesn't have a pause button.....or if it does, the resume button is broken. If I don't say what comes into my mind at the time, I just lose the info, especially at social events where there are so many distractions.

I agree that a punch in the arm probably wouldn't do much good. Pavlovian conditioning assumes the subject is capable of the desired behaviour but lacks the neccessary motivation. Sounds like somebody is just taking out their frustrations about your behaviour on you, and rationalising it to make it look like they're trying to help. Or maybe they mean well but they've just got it wrong.

The only solution I can imagine would be quite difficult to set up - get a highly competent and caring "social coach," attach a tiny audio/video transceiver to yourself, with an earpiece, so your coach can monitor you from a distance and talk you through the difficult things as they happen. But I can't think of a way you could talk directly to the coach, without looking strange.

'Appropriate' is totally subjective. What evidence do you have that your husband is a sensible determiner of what is and isn't appropriate? From his suggestion here, I'd say he's way off as what he's suggesting sounds potentially abusive to me. So you better go punch him till he stops doing it.

Hitting will only make it harder. The stress and guilt only adds to the difficulty a few more levels.

it is a weird thing, for a while a few years back i did feel like i could pause and i could avoid saying certain things. and then it kinda went away. although i know not to say the stupidest things i would still say some stupid and un sensitive things. i feel like i'm regaining this ability after a few yeards of having loads of problems. it is not easy living a life of constraint but if I am content with myself it is far easier.

All I know is that I'd end up with a terribly sore arm....

http://i114.photobucket.com/albums/n257 ... chSlap.gif

It sounds like your husband was teasing, right? I just don't talk that much and if I do it's "oh I like your shirt" or at work I talk about work. Nobody wants to hear what I have to say, except for the people who really care about me, and even then I think they're just pacifying me... There's no magic secret. The only thing that makes us different is that we care to discuss things like this. Other people stand up for themselves and their right to their opinion.... Or, maybe I'm just having a bad day.

I'm glad you said that because that's kind of how I feel. I guess I don't see it as the "only" thing, but I definitely see it as the biggest difference.

Some of the most hard core extroverted NTs I know don't think for a second before they speak, but they have the ability to convince those around them that saying something totally uncalled for is actually acceptable just because "that's how they are". They don't "convince" them through any kind of discourse, as for them it is unnecessary; they do it through their body language and genuine comfort and desire to say outlandish things--basically conditioning the people around them to not only accept them, but truly like them, exactly as they are.

Some on here I'm sure have the ability to have this effect on people to a degree, but it (at least for me) requires a great deal of understanding and intellectualizing and is very unnatural, whereas in the above example these others are not even aware they are doing this.

Energy manipulation....

Don't worry he won't punch me, he will never hit a girl. He thinks he never said this but I swore he did.


It's so much easier to post online because I have time to think. I say lot of stupid s**t in real life because words come out of my mouth wrong but I don't think anyone notices. It's a hidden problem and people don't know what's going on in your head.

I was recently told that I'm high functioning enough to be "meta-aware" of all the stupid crap I say or do/don't do in social situations... and therefore be capable of not doing them (in realtime). This made me livid and want to cry at the same time cause I try so hard not to piss this particular person off... even simply by continuously interrupting them cause I think it's my turn to speak... But it's infuriating because that's not how it works--I don't care how you perceive my intelligence and therefore alleged capabilities... I AM meta-aware that I have issues but just comprehending autism doesn't make the behaviors go away... Punching a blind guy in the arm is not gonna make him see. Autism is a perception or lack thereof and you can't just up and change info processing that AIN'T there.

Also, I don't think it's a good idea for you to use sex as a means of "arm punching"... Will lead to bad connotations for both of you.

I always apologize compulsively for stupid stuff, and Kris is always saying he's gonna start squirting me with water when I apologize without a good reason.. like you do to train a cat.

And that's why I am thinking to keep to myself about that I have borderline AS or else people might expect more out of me and think I should know this or that or not have any trouble with something.

C' mon it's a spectrum. Having very mild AS doesn't mean you won't have any troubles. It's like telling a borderline schizophrenic they shouldn't have any episodes and they should hear zero voices in their head or not have any hallucinations or they shouldn't be taking any pills since theirs is so mild or telling someone with borderline MR they shouldn't have difficulty in life and understanding things since they're sooo mild.

Yeah I have gotten "Are you sure you're mild?" or "You don't seem borderline."

My ex didn't think I was. My husband thought I was moderate too when we first met and then he realized how mild I am after he read Pretending to be Normal. He's met other aspies since then and tells me they were worse than me. There was only one aspie he saw and he told me he was better than me social wise. He was also borderline.

I have gotten from an aspie online about I should know what would offend people if I know what I am saying. That hurt and it was very insulting. If I got that from a none aspie, it would hurt a lot less because they wouldn't understand but you would expect an ASD to understand because they also have the same difficulties and should understand and you would think they know about their own condition and the spectrum. But I guess this man here is ignorant about his own condition or he just lacks this trait.
Hey not all aspies read books about their own condition or visit the forums.

I think that your husband's idea was very wrong.

Even with negative feedback, I don't seem to learn. I'm hurt when people are angry with me, but I still haven't been able to properly handle situations. It's incredibly frustrating. No amount of physical or emotional pain is going to make me "better". Your husband needs to learn that that "switch" doesn't exist in everyone.