Meadow, don't give up. I think it will get better. I see you have only recently joined WP and it may seem overwhelming at first, especially given your history and distrust of other people.
You say you are almost phobic. I was almost phobic once, afraid to leave the house, afraid to take a walk. I had to force myself. Sometimes I just wanted to throw myself down on the sidewalk and stay there because it felt like I couldn't take another step. But my fear of becoming truly phobic, as in agoraphobic was the thing that actually saved me. I knew I deserved a better life, I didn't want to be a shut-in, I wanted to take long walks and enjoy every minute of it, I wanted to take a train into the city and sight see or shop, I wanted to travel, so on and so forth. So I refused to let my fears keep me from doing the things I wanted to do. Like getting a job. I really needed a job but was afraid I would have a panic attack at work or die at work. Finally I just said "Well, if I'm going to die I might as well die waiting on tables in the diner. It's as good a place to die as any." This was long before I heard of Asperger's. And it was before people were knowledgeable about anxiety and panic disorders. You see, I thought I was going nuts.
Anyway, my point is, you are here. That's a good thing. There are many, many people just like you here who understand what you are going through. There's no reason to be afraid of being here, it's the best place in the world for you right now. You need support and you will find it on WP. Don't give into your fears or you will become a prisoner, a prisoner of your own making. You deserve better than that. We all do. Good luck.
26 Dec 2009, 9:54 pm
