Self-esteem... defining ourselves

Post Reply New Topic

"Definers (that is, persons who insist on defining others) are like pathogenic micro-organisms: each invades, parasitizes and often destroys his victim; and in each case, those whose resistance is low are the most susceptible to attack. Hence, those whose immunological defenses are weak are mostly likely to contract infectious diseases; and those who social defenses are weak are the most likely to contract invidious definitions of themselves" - T.S. Szasz

Defining ourselves is one of the most important things we do psychologically. But how do we do it? Naturally, most of us rely on the definitions that others assign to us. We judge ourselves according to other people's judgments about us. But do we have to do this? Or do we have a choice? And what happens if we take back control?

Our level of self-esteem is the product of a judgment we make about ourselves, and it's a judgment based largely on comparisons:

a) we compare our real self to our ideal self;
b) we compare ourselves to others, according to certain criteria;
c) we take on board the comparisons that people make between us and others.

If we compare well, we feel good. If we compare badly, we feel bad. And apparently there's nothing we can do about it. But if we deconstruct the process by which we arrive at this judgment, we find that it's something we may be able to change more easily than we at first realize.

How did we arrive at our own personal definition of "ideal"?

This is a crucial point to consider. It's a bit of a generalisation, but it seems that there are two categories of people who are happy with themselves. There are those who have gone along with society's definition of "ideal", and have succeeded in living up to it. Then at the other end of the scale, there are those who have thrown society's definition in the trash can, and come up with their own definition, which is personal to them. These people are always the most interesting and fascinating, the most original and unique. They are what someone I know likes to call "the paradigm pioneers."

If we have low self-esteem, is it because we are allowing ourselves to chase an ideal that has been defined by others, but which doesn't feel right in our own hearts? There's nothing to stop us coming up with our own ideal, and living up to that instead, other than our fear of social rejection. But if we are being rejected anyway, there's nothing much to lose, and everything to be gained.

What criteria do we use to compare ourselves to others?

Again, the question is whether we set these criteria ourselves, or whether we allow others to define them. Common criteria we might use may be social approval, athletic ability, physical appearance, fashion style, wealth, and so on. But what do any of these actually matter? Are they really important? Or are they merely vacuous and irrelevant indicators of perceived social superiority? By buying into these definitions, we allow them to dictate our own happiness.

We have to ask ourselves what really matters. Truth, loyalty, intelligence. We're good at these things. If we compare ourselves to others on this kind of basis, we come out pretty good. So why not use this as our criteria to compare ourselves?

Why listen to other people's judgments?

If we've decided that we're doing away with these common criteria ourselves, it makes sense to reject the comparisons that others make about us. Since they'll probably be based on the same superficial criteria, what's the value of them? The only external judgments that matter, if any do, are of those people who share the same values as we do. It's illogical not to compare like with like. We couldn't compare a motor car and an office block and derive any useful information. So maybe there's no need to do it with people with completely different values and priorities.

What happens if we continue to define ourselves according to others' criteria?

The problem is that low self-esteem is a vicious circle. As long as we judge ourselves poorly in comparison to others, we project this self-image through our demeanour, our language, and our decisions. We can't hide our low self-esteem from others. And there are those in society who will always target those they perceive to be weak.

But positive self-esteem is a virtuous circle. Even when we've stepped outside of society's definitions, we will always find plenty of people who respond well to our individuality, and who even respect it and admire it. If we feel ok about ourselves, our demeanour, our language, and our decisions change in a subtle but important way that others can sense.

People feel awkward around someone who feels badly about him/herself. Some will want to help, but won't know how. Some will go on the attack. Some will feel like they can't take anyone else's problems on board, when they've got enough of their own.

But likewise, no matter how individual or different we feel that we are, people generally feel good around people who feel good about themselves. And believe it or not, plenty of people love "different". It's such a boring, drab world. Someone who's got a different take on life is often a breath of fresh air for most people.


The definition game is hard, it's tough to break free from, and it might not be fair, but it's the reality we find ourselves in. There's a lot of help we can get with low self-esteem through therapies and medication, and these are often very important in treating depression. But we can do a lot of work internally, just by reassessing the way in which we define ourselves, and making this definition more true to our own beliefs, as opposed to the dictations of society.

This is a great article by Tony Attwood and Carol Gray, redefining AS in terms of it's positive attributes... it's well worth a read: www.tonyattwood.com.au/pdfs/attwood10.pdf

Sorry that was another long one, but to leave you with the immortal words of Dr. Gregory House.... "normal is overrated!"

How do you feel about this phrase?: Self-confidence is a memory of successes.

I think it's very true. It's really important to focus on successes - especially the small ones!

Our minds are very good at storing memories of failures or painful experiences, and then digging them out again to throw at us when we don't need it

But whatever we've achieved positively, even if it was just getting through the day without completely losing it, we have to "record" that too. I know I find it easy to look back at my life, and just see it as a sequence of embarrassments and agonies. But that doesn't serve me very well. If I actually think about it, there's plenty enough there to be proud of.... just surviving this long in a hostile world is a mammoth achievement in itself.

There's no harm in patting yourself on the back once in a while!

I'll say that good self esteem stems from self acceptance, and in turn one accepts one's own failures and personal weaknesses as well as the successes and strengths.
On observation, people with good self esteem don't need to put others down, or try to prove anything, and they take their mistakes in stride, and learn from them, and not let it dismantle them so easily.
Personally, I've a long way to go before I can reach that level of self esteem, especially from a family that didn't accept my Asperger Syndrome diagnosis.

Many years of therapy and then self therapy are working on me to not let others define me. I'm nearly 50, and it's time I did things my way... and it's working a lot better for me.

You're right in saying that people treat you better when you start treating yourself better.

_________________
Never assume you know what I'm thinking, just ask for clarification.
"Not everything that steps out of line, and thus 'abnormal', must necessarily be 'inferior'. " -- Hans Asperger (1938)

I've just started accepting myself, the middle of September. Before than, I was trying to be all tough.

I totally agree with that, acceptance is a huge part of it. I used to spend my life wishing I was someone else, and wondering why I was never happy. I'm fine just the way I am, warts and all, and if other people don't like it, then I guess that's their tough luck. That's one of the most liberating realizations I ever had.

And what you said is very true about making mistakes as well. When we studied child psychology on my course, we were taught that making mistakes is a crucial part of the learning process. "Failure is the pillar of success." If we don't allow ourselves to feel that it's ok to be wrong sometimes, then we've set ourselves an impossibly high standard that we can never live up to. So why bother trying? Life is so much more fun when I don't have to beat myself up over every little thing

The "real/ideal" conundrum is a toughie, especially for perfectionists like us. Settling for not quite perfect is difficult at the best of times, let alone with ourselves. But as I've tried to start telling myself..... "give yourself a break"