signing up for events and then backing out

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I feel like such a loser/jerk. I am staying in my uni town instead of going home this weekend, and I had two conferences, a meeting, and a winter overnight camping trip planned. However, here it is, only Wed. afternoon, and I am already exhausted in spite of the fact that I did not even have class Monday (holiday) or today (weather). I sent out a bunch of emails and bailed out of everything except the meeting.

It's incredibly frustrating to have to do that, but my fake NT persona that I've cultivated over the past 3-4 years continues to crumble. A greater and greater percentage of my energy is being spent on sheer day-to-day survival. I keep making all these extracurricular plans that I used to be able to go through with, but now I can't schedule myself very heavily anymore. Oh well, my briefly successful foray into the land of social activity was nice while it lasted.

What really stinks is that I have always prided myself on being a reliable person who takes great care to do everything she says that she will do. I am afraid that I am going to ruin my credibility and reputation. I wish I could just be a real NT. I do not like having AS and its accompanying anxiety disorder at all--I feel so cheated!

Has anyone else ever run into this problem? I am so disappointed in myself right now, but I know in my heart that I am so overwhelmed that keeping all my plans would have been a huge mistake. How do other people handle these emotions?

I have always failed at trying to be someone or something other than who or what I actually am, and my disappointment in myself ended after I finally accepted I could not be anyone else.

I do like my pseudo-NT self, though, and so does everybody else. And it IS what I actually am, in a way...if I still possessed the energy to keep it up. It's like a side of me that I could choose to show the world. And now it's too emotionally expensive for me to afford the upkeep.

I had said during my first few months on WP that I was tired of pretending to be NT and that I wanted to accept myself, AS and all. I tried doing that. It turns out that trying to accept Aspie-ness as my lot in life made me even more depressed, so I went back to the fake-NT thing, and promptly burned myself out again in less than a week and a half.

Not only do I hate having AS, but I hate being so high-functioning. If I were completely unable to pull off being NT even for a short period of time, perhaps I could better accept that that particular door is closed. I just feel like I am twisting in the wind here. (I think I am also bummed that the ice storm today meant cancelling my therapist appt.).

Leejosepho, what you say does make sense, and I thank you for your reply. Taking it a step further, though: To me personally, "accepting myself" feels synonymous with "settling for less." Is there really a difference between the two, and if so, how do you (or others) make that distinction?

But really, all people, no matter what their neurology, do things like backing out on scheduled activities. I consider myself a very reliable person, more reliable than most of my family members who are NT. And if I do feel that I have to back out of plans that I've made with someone else, I don't make up silly excuses for why I'm canceling out. i just tell them, sorry, but I've changed my mind or just don't feel like it. I noticed my NT friends and family usually give me a bunch of excuses, and some just fail to show with no notice. So don't be too hard on yourself. I really don't think it has anything to do with Asperger's specifically, but on how you handle your affairs and interactions with other people. Nothing makes me crazier than if I reserve my time and forgo other possibilities on how it could be spent, and then have some one call me at the last minute with a phony excuse for why they can't make it. As long as you give notice of backing out within a reasonable amount of time, and provide an honest reason, even if it's "I'm just not feeling up to it," or "I've given it some thought and decided it's not something I really want to do", you are still showing respect and consideration. If you practice good social etiquette you won't lose credibility. This applies to All people.

However, No-show with No-notice does make you unreliable and you will deservedly lose credibility if this behavior is repeated once too often.

Agreed.



Understood.



I have had to change my views and/or expectations of myself many times throughout my life, and some of those times were more like "realizing greater ability" than about "settling for less". "Accepting myself", however, was ultimately about accepting the actual facts about myself -- abilities, characteristics, traits and etc., outside of personal character -- rather than dealing with mere views or expectations as are always intertwined with ego, fear, self-ignorance and/or pride. More simply put: I now try to only do natural-flowing things, sans anything either immediately or ultimately self-troubling.

Thanks for the helpful replies!

Cosmiccat, I think it actually has to do with my anxiety, which makes the AS kind of the "second-hand" cause. You are absolutely right about NTs backing out, too. I tend to forget that sometimes people do things regardless of neurology. Come to think of it, I had one ex-friend who liked to wait until the very last minute to decide what activity she wanted to do with whom, and then she would call all the other people and cancel. Eventually I figured out that I was somebody that she would go do stuff with if all her other plans fell through.

I also cannot stand people who are, as my husband puts it, "no-call-no-shows." I would slit my own throat before I would pull a stunt like that on anyone. I will, on extremely rare occasions, forget an appointment, and I feel absolutely horrible when I do. I apologize to the point where the other person is like, "Will you please stop saying you're sorry?" However, to deliberately just not show up and not call is just rude.

Thanks also for reminding me about the honor involved in backing out with plenty of notice and for an honest reason. I did give everyone at least two days' notice, and I did truthfully state that today's ice storm wreaked havoc with my schedule and created so much pressure on me that something had to give. Everyone who has written back so far has been very understanding.

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LeeJosepho, I like your comment about facts vs. views/expectations. I guess I am still having a hard time "outgrowing" the whole expectations thing. Thanks to your post, I just realized that I am unable to distinguish most "natural flowing" things from things that can make me overly anxious. I am going to make a note of that and explore it further with my therapist next week.

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Overall...perhaps I am just experiencing some growing pains as I try to figure things out about myself? If so, maybe I need to be more patient with the process.

Physically, I think "growing pains" are more like minor sensations experienced along the way during natural progression, and I suppose the same could be said of intellectual and emotional growth. But in my own case within the context of living, and said with a wink:

Pain is a touchstone for reality.

OMG (without reading your replies) I have experienced that SO MANY TIMES during my lifetime it's practically inevitable. At this point I find myself signing up for things all the while thinking in the back of my mind "I wonder if I'll actually do this".

On the up side, I've found that this feeling of "I just can't go" is a passing 'phase'. There are some times, months in the year, where I am able to be very social and seek a lot of activity. And there are some times when getting through the day is all I can do.
I feel bad about not fulfilling my engagements/promises, but at the same time I've learned to be proud of the fact that I AM making it through the day. Because on those days, I often don't want to do anything at all.

If I could give advice, it would be to understand - intellectually- that you're psyche will need to take breaks from "trying". Sometimes often and sometimes not. But you will need to detach every once in awhile.

Once you accept that, you can rationalize yourself out of the guilt and frustration. You aren't as different from NT people as you think. I know plenty who call in "sick" when they aren't - just because they need a break.

It's better that you take a break when you feel life is becoming a real struggle than force yourself to continue and have a complete breakdown from stress.

Your stress tolerance is a bit less than others, so what? You're doing the best you can. And that's good enough.

Be nice to yourself. You're doing the best you can.

Peace,

My volunteer commitments are, in many respects, a substitute for my social life--and I have a lot of them:

-President of a community centre association
-Chair of the community association presidents' group
-Director of a non-profit that operates a local arts centre
-Participation as a performer in community theatre, and
-Volunteering for the 2010 Olympics and Paralympics.

In the autumn I had a major breakdown of my coping skills. I found it extremely difficult to bring myself to meetings and to fulfil commitments. Fortunately, I have people I can turn to in my various roles to back me up, so that I can focus my attention on the things for which I do not have a backup.

I have had a pretty good rebuild since the autumn, and now feel that I am in a place where I can meet my commitments--but better aware of the risk of dropping the ball.