Are you a family person, or could you be bothered?

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I'm not much of a Family Person. I haven't been since I was twelve. The feeling intensified the summer that I was fifteen. The feeling got even stronger in 1998. Now I'm on my last straw.

Here is a little Background:

When I was twelve, my parents decided that htey didn't like my Accent. It would have been nice to know that a lot sooner. My dad told me to listen to myself once in a while and that I really needed to fix my Speech Patterns. That none of the kids around where I lived spoke like me. I grew up in the Vancouver Area close to the Canada US Border and the people around here sound, well, American. They served me a lot of Sh--t on a Silver Platter that summer. Every time that I opened my mouth to say something, the parent that was around at the time told me not to talk through my nose. When they were both in the same room with me, they stood together and told me not to do it. I almost ran away to the Vancouver Airport to sneek on a plane, so that I could fly to London, England where I would have been appreciated. (Suicide would have been another option, but I don't believe in Suicide.) On my second day in Grade 7, a couple of girls in my P.E. Class told me that I sounded exactley like a man by the Mr. Jones. I asked my Aid about him and this is what she told me. "Mr Jones is the other Grade 7 Teacher. He was born and he grew up in London. You should feel honoured!" Nobody told me that Mr. Jones was from the Cheapside area of London. I found that out on my own, because that was the only thing that he seemed to talk to the other teachers about. In fact, after such a long summer of Verbal and Emotional Abuse at home, I found so little honour in being a Canadian with a Cockney Accent that I hurt poor Mr. Jones's feelings and he kicked me out of Music Class for the rest of the afternoon, three days before my Thirteenth Birthday. In other words, for dealing with a sh--t summer, I rewarded myself with a sh--t Birthday Present. If my parents were more sensitive towards me, all of that garbage wouldn't have happened. Part of it was my fault, because I let my parents break my Spirit.

During the summer of 1990 when I was fifteen, I learned about Discrimination for the first time, under my own roof. My kid sister who was twelve at the time was Babysitting and I kept bugging my parents to let me Babysit sa well. Of couse they kept on saying no. My ignorant father finally sat me down. He told me that there were lots of things that I lot of people were able to do that I would never be able to do and part of it was because I have a Learning Disability. I couldn't bare to look at my father's face any more after that moment. I actually even wanted to commit Suicide. My own father thought that I was was a loser. My sense of Middle Class Morality took a steep nose-dive. I never saw my father in the same light again. We love each other, but it's just not the same.

In 1998 after working in a Factory, doing the same simple job after asking for a change in responsabilities a few times, I became Sick with Psycotic Depression. I started having flashbacks of the things that I thought might have led me to the Programme that led me to the simplest job in the Factory. All the times that I was yelled at for screwing up. The times as a kid that I was told that I was no good and that I should know better. The voices got stronger with each passing day. I was so bored to tears at work, that I had crying spells. One of my prissy Co-workers said, "Please give Cockney Rebel a break." I was thrilled that I was called something other than some Disability Slur. I was also thrilled that it was confirmed that I have an Accent and not a Speech Disroder that makes me sound Disabled. I was forced into going to Langley Mental Health month after month. I was forced to talk to a Shrink who didn't take me seriously. I told the Shrink all of my dillemmas, but she only wanted her side of the story. She also wanted me lo lose the obsessions that I have with Great Britian as a whole and start dressing like everybody else my age in order to blend in. I defied the giving up and blending in buisness all together, I put my Shrink down for calling me something that I don't consider myself to be. That something is Handicapped, God forbid, by the way. I may have a Disorder, but I do not consider myself to be Handicapped and Weak.

I'm still living wigh my folks due to fiscal reasons, NOT do to the fact that I have Asperger's. My parents and I talk to each other very seldomly. I talk more to my mom, but not as much since June. I'm saving up for a trip to London and a place of my own with my pension. I spend most of the time, either doing Housework or in my room doing my own thing.

I view my parents very highly and talk to them frequently. There were times when I became very angry with them, but overall I respect their decisions. My dad can be difficult to work with, but I try to make sure that I never give up on him whenever he really gets frustrating. Two years ago my older sister became so angry with my dad that she quit talking to him and would never come home from college when he was around for more than a year. For many reasons, I am glad that I am no longer living with my parents. I think that independence has been a really good thing for me, as I am learning quite a bit from it.

If I scared anybody away, I'm very sorry. I've been holding all of this stuff in for a lot of years and trying to block it out of my head. I was having Flashbacks this morning. I just had to let it all out and this is the only way that I was able to do it. The first two things that my parents did to me were uncalled for. The last thing that they did was for my benefit. I really needed to get into the Mental Health System before I did something crazy, even though the help wasn't much of a help. I once read that words are like Toothpaste out of a tube. Once they come out, you can't put them back in. I actually do love my parents. I just show it in a weird way with money instead of words. It just gets tiring looking at the same faces at the table every day after so many years.

I spent my whole childhood being told to act like a normal person and apply myself and then most of my young adulthood being told what a terrible person I was and how I would never amount to anything - I got a bunch of degrees in college, which I don't ever use and NOW my family has decided they will be nice to me because they FINALLY believe me that I'm not like other people - all because I have a piece of paper that says it now . . . though I still get the 'We believe that one day you will be able to get over this . . .' and my mother refuses to call it autism and now goes on and on while drunk about how she failed me as a parent . . .

So, no, I'm not terribly close to my family . . .

I say all that and it isn't like my parents don't care about me, they are just incapable of understanding what it is really like to experience my world and are unable to attempt to understand what this is now that I have a name for it . . .

I finally told my parents about my diagnoses. They flat out refused to believe it for about two hours straight. I had to go through a long Q&A session with my mom, her pointing out all the signs I had as a kid, me telling her that it was a sign, and mom saying it was just my ADHD. It was
after her telling me that I use to line toys up into rows as a little kid, and myself showing mom websites that point it out as being an autistic trait that she started to come around and understand what was up with me.

I have a pretty good relationship with my parents... (I'm 17, living at home) however I can't stand the rest of my family. I'm the oldest of 6 kids (thank god we're a "blended" family and all six of us are never in one place at the same time)

The only aspect of my relationship with my parents that sucks is their fascination with making me like everyone else. They want me to work harder in school... talk normally... Act normally... make eye contact when speaking...stop obsessing over details or tv shows or what have you.

My mum is in total denial that I could be an Aspie (I'm positive I am.) She wants to have this illusion that all of her children are normal. My oldest brother is illiterate due to a learning disability (the rest of us are "gifted") and it took her 11 years (the time since he started school) to accept that there possibly might be a problem...

But other than that, we have similar interests and get along okay. We won't discuss my sibs, though.

parents..can't live with them, can't live without them (literally)....

I always thought my Mum was fairly accepting and open-minded but twice over the summer she's talked about suing people because 'they might have caused your asperger's'- the first one was the hospital where I was born which neglected me and the second was whoever was responsible for a injection given to a lot of kids until recently (its now been banned on the basis that it may cause health problems- apparently it contained mercury..nice). Both times I couldn't believe my ears- she clearly doesn't want to accept that I'm different always have been always will be.

Both my Mum and my sister went on a campaign to give me some 'fashion sense' a few years back. I had this baseball cap that I loved (it had sentimental value) which had cost £5. They brought me a Nike plain white cap- £19.99. I refused to wear it and then, 'conveniently' my old cap disappeared. It wasnt returned to me until this summer- after I had told my Dad about it.

I also have other issues with my darling adulterous Mother...but I'll leave it there

It's strange that my only brother quarreled a lot with my father, and now refers to him as a tyrant, as often as not, and though he says no such things about Mam, still spends less time with her than I'd like (they live within two miles of each other).

Me? I thank my lucky stars (especially after reading some Aspie experiences) because I found my parents to be totally cool! Sure, they could have done more to help, but who would have known how to, back in the late fifties and sixties? As it is they put no pressure on me whatsoever and were universally and quietly supportive (it's clear in retrospect they must have realised there was something "strange" about me but they never(sic) ever made an issue of it!)!

Hey Cockney Rebel! Have you checked out the property prices in "Cheap"side?

Parents... Are we in position to judge them? I wanted to get away from my parents, the farther the better. If it were possible to go to Mars, that's where I would go. I felt my parents were too criticizing, too difficult to please. They had their opinions and my word did not count. Their home was not my home. They were laughing at me when I was flapping hands or jumping. These are as natural activities for me as breathing, but I had to hide them. I was very conservative, but even when I decided to make some change, e.g. in clothing, a ridicule was awaiting me: "Hehehe, look, Magic has changed...!". I felt overwhelmed, stifled and stuck. "Don't make an idiot out of yourself", "You behave sometimes as if you were ret*d", "I don't know how you would cope in life", you know the drill. Good thing that I was unaware that my mother seriously thought of me as suffering from some "personality disorder" or "mental illness". When opportunity knocked, I flied out of my parents' nest straight to another continent. I was free at last!

Now I can meet my parents only in my dreams. And I see that, despite being concerned about my so many quirks, they were the only people on this world who accepted me unconditionally. Whether I behaved to their satisfaction or not, they were always happy to see me and have me with them. I did not return their love as a child should, but this did not stop them from offering it. I miss them horribly.

I love my parents very much and they have always been very accepting of who I am. I just wish my father would quit trying to understand me.

My parents never accepted who I was and were always trying to mould me into the ideal child they would have preferred. In this way they only seem to treasure me just because I happen to be genetically related to them in a certain way. They only "love" my genes, not the "me" that is my personality. I'm extremely happy to be on the opposite side of the world from them now.

I think it is tyrannical for people to force you to like your family just because you were born to them. One cannot help being born to obnoxious people, so I cannot feel guilty about not loving my family, and nobody should be made to feel guilty for that.

I have a huge, very caring family (with a history of abuse). I live halfway across the country from most of them and I rarely ever communicate with any of them.

This is partly because I do not know how: if I write them, they do not want to hear about my latest obsession, they want small talk. I can't give them snall talk. What's worse, I am supposed to send each relative *different* small talk! They all compare letters. Otherwise, I could simply print out copies of the same letter and i don't think it'd matter too much. It is the same with phone calls: they want trivialities, not to hear that I did well at my favorite activity or have a neat idea. I don't have any patience with this, and I'm certainly not inclined to spend money for it..

It also seems as though they want/expect something out of me, some sort of feeling. I don't have it, at least not in the way they want me to. If what I have and can give is not enough then??? It's awkward.

My dad used to tell me, from a very early age, that I had to quit what I was doing and '"be conventional". What was conventional? I didn't know, and I couldn't be what I was not. I think he may have thought that I was being this way intentionally, based on the things he said...which is odd, because he is sort of aspie too.

My mom was worse- abusive, delusional and very emotional. She insisted that I hadn't been this way before she'd left (I was 3), yet also said that I used to only walk on my tiptoes and sort my socks and other clothing by color, obsessively. She told people I was mentally 'not right', without my knowing, and then told me that people thought I was ret*d! She wanted to keep me from leaving home (at 19) because I was 'not normal' and she didn't think I was ready to go out into the world. I am SO glad that she didn't know why I am this way, she would have used it against me in the worst ways. No, I don't particularly miss her...but i do miss my dad.

Last edited by aspergian_mutant on 13 Nov 2004, 1:07 am, edited 1 time in total.

They don't sound much like parents. I say forget about them if you can. You need to find a way to get by even though your parents did not provide you the necessary affection.

Yes, I experienced this, as well, Magic. Now that I am away at college, some of the constant criticism (which mainly came from my father) has subsided. I, too, was always very reluctant to change because of the attention it would draw from my parents. My father constantly derided me for wearing the clothes that I liked to wear ("you look like a rag"), for holding my fork and my pencil incorrectly ("what's wrong with you, people are going to think you're a handicap or something") and for most of my interests. So I felt the need to hide everything I could about myself from him, just to protect it from being ridiculed. Everything I did brought about some derogatory remark, other than my grades at school (which were very good).

I recall once hearing my parents say "I'm worried about our daughter..." while they were talking in their room. This was during Jr. High school or High School, I believe. Unfortunately, I never found out why.

I know that both of my parents care about me, despite these issues. My father has many aspie traits, and I suspect he may also have AS, more markedly than I do. He doesn't seem to understand that his remarks are hurtful, and it's always been an issue between himself and my mother.



I know what you mean, chamoisee. I have this problem with my mother. I can tell she tries to be patient with me, and that she does care about me very much, but lately she doesn't seem to care to talk with me. Her phone calls are becoming less and less frequent and more and more brief. And she doesn't really respond much to what I have to say. I feel badly about this, because I only recently realized that she has perfectly lucid conversations with my cousin, but with me, it is a rarity. I want to be able to give her what she needs, but I don't seem to be able to. I just don't know how. I feel for all the world like a big dissapointment to her.

Another thing that I would like to add is that most of the people in my Family are too NT for me to handle. Ny Mom and Sister say the word, Like far too much for my liking. My Parents and my Sister say their sentences in such a way that they sound more like questions than they do sentences. Every time I listen to that stuff, I withdrawl and I go on a Mind Trip to London. I don't feel that I can turn to my Family, most of the people who go to my Clubhouse have problems of their own and I can't really turn to food, anymore, so London is the only thing that I have left to turn to. I made the mistake of tuning my back on my Shrink, just because she and I had more disagreements than we did agreements. Now I'm trying to get back into the Mental Health System. Live and learn. Most people can turn to their Families, and I have London.