just when you think you have things figured out...

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YOU DON'T! I've been talking a lot about how my social skills have improved and I feel I don't have much trouble with them anymore...today I was talking with someone who I thought was becoming a close friend. I said, "I would move to Houston if we could be roomates..." He gave me a terrible look and said he could never live with me. He said he would kill me. I never knew he found me to be so annoying. I had no clue whatsoever and now I don't even want to talk to him or anyone anymore. I can feel a shutdown coming on. Not to just make this a negative whiny post about myself, but it's true. Anybody else have something similar happen?

Dustintorch, for me it happens almost every day at least once. I am married myself and this often happens with my wife, who unfortunately has VERY little patience for 'disabilities.' Causes more heartache than I want it to, and that shut down is all too familiar! You're not alone, buddy!

Yes. I can read simple body language and I have learned some non verbal cues but I learn they can mean other things. I learned putting your hand on someone and that person throwing your hand off doesn't always mean they don't want to be touched. It could mean they don't want to be touched in that spot. On TV I figured out when someone stutters, it means they are lying because that was always the case and it was obvious but mom told me that was not correct and it doesn't always mean that. Okay back down the ladder again I was with my AS.

I thought I wasn't so literal anymore. My online friend who might have AS told me I have gotten better at picking up on sarcasm but my husband told me I take things very literal and I am literal all the time.

Because my husband had joked so often, I have a difficulty time knowing when he is serious and I can ask him over and over if he is serious and he says yes. But I am still not sure because he is smiling. I am struggling to get him to understand to be serious but his excuse is "then it's no fun and it's boring to always be serious." Arghhhhh. I am starting to get fed up with it. Maybe some violence will do. I mean what does it take to get someone to understand?

I also learned laughing after saying something doesn't always mean you're joking so back down the ladder again. This is a problem I have with my husband. He doesn't always laugh when he is joking and he says to me "Didn't you see me smile?" But I have no idea when smiling means joking. I wish he stop and he knows aspies have difficulty with facial epressions. Even he has that problem so why do it to me? I asked him why and he said he doesn't know.

I even thought I got over my AS and I didn't have it anymore but wrong.

I can't think of others where I thought I wasn't X anymore and then realize I still had that difficulty.


It's possible that fella never told you about how he felt about you unless he really did show cues he didn't like you and he found you annoying. But why keep talking to you and stuff? People normally avoid other people they don't like or can't stand and they always have excuses to not hang out with someone. If he was always having excuses to not hang out with you, that could be the cue you missed.

There are different levels of friendship. At one level, you enjoy spending time together when it's convenient but not want to live together. At another level, you might live together, but if one of you moves the other will find another roommate. At still another level, one might follow the other. And so on.

As you've noticed, it's really hard to tell which level the other person considers you to be at.

I think that's the problem...I can never tell when a person is a good friend or just a regular friend or an aquaintance. It's so hard to figure it out and I can analyze the crap out of it with little to no results.

For the most part, I have learned to not assume anything about how someone else feels about me. There are exceptions, of course, like when someone is introverted or a phony, but someone's actual *actions* usually eventually reveal what he or she is all about.

Acquaintances are people you just talk to. Talking to people at work or in school are acquaintances, not friends.

I think you're taking it too literally. That was probably a joke.

True, he probably doesn't want to be room mates. But he might be the kind that doesn't want to be room mates with anyone.

He might even have been poking fun at himself. At his own inability to get along with others. As in "I'm soo particular about everything that there's no way I could live with you I'd have to kill you I'm so awful ha-ha-ha".

I really don't think he was intending to wound you. I think he was making a dramatic joke. He probably didn't think you were serious because most people don't volunteer to move just to be near a particular friend. People move for an excellent career opportunity, to get married, to rebuild a life. But not really because there's a friend there they'd like to hang with.

Don't withdraw, I'm sure it's a joke.

Background: I work at a facility with multiple departments. I interact with people from other departments on a fairly regular basis, but it's usually just in passing. I try my best to be friendly and courteous. On occassion I can be somewhat outgoing, rare as it is. I thought I was doing a relatively decent job of getting along, though.

Until last week.

Apparently I was the subject of discussion amongst these co-workers. To simplify, Jane is someone from another department I know but we haven't worked together. Kate is a co-worker from my own department and we've worked together before. [Not their real names.] Jane told Kate that I had an awkward personality, wasn't funny, and just generally not personable.

On the positive side, Kate told Jane it was because I was a genius with a dry sense of humor ("dry sense of humor" makes sense, but I seriously doubt I'm a genius). Jane's response: "Oh. That makes sense." Kate told me about this conversation and basically said I had no social skills but made up for it with my intellect.

I guess I wasn't doing as well as I thought. It's left me feeling more insecure than usual.

My wife and I both agree we would kill each other if we tried to work together (we share a similar line of work), we don't just like each other we love each other.

I have 2 friends, i wouldn't want to live with either of them.

Oh, don't worry about that. Don't you know, it's actually kind of a cliche that most friends make terrible room mates. I have lived with a lot of my friends and HATED them when we lived together, but when we split up, we became friends again. The thing is, there are boundaries even in the best of friendships, because everyone is different and so nobody meshes 100%, so don't let it get you down when you discover where those boundaries are.

This stuff happens to most people, this has happened to me many of times.... I meet friends and then get to know me but then there is always has to be someone that doesn't feel just right for you, they either say something or do something behind your backs etc...

If your friend is like that who you thought would be close friends is like that, I tend to do it the weakest link style.... "you are the weakest link, goodbye" but don't actually do that

He could was joking, because sometimes people can say things like that as a joke and not realise that you found it most hurtful and got you to feel like your on a shutdown point.... It would be hard to tell that some of us can't read facial expressions or body language so it would be very hard to tell, thats also what I would of found most difficult.

Eventually, there would be someone who treats you nice and you would be most comfortable with which i've now have managed to do... if I was you, I wouldn't ask that question to anyone... For some people, it would seem weird to ask, if you did, you could cover it up by saying, i wasn't being serious or i was just saying... maybe that might help?

Well, you win a few, you lose a few, no matter how much you've figured out.

Keep trying, and don't let the occasional blooper get you down.

you guys all make good points. Regardless, I really need to shutdown for a while because if I don't I'll burn out. I'm doing it for me though, not because of the comment my friend made. Thanks for the advice! Now that I think about it, most people wouldn't want to live with their friends.

You can be friends with somebody and still not be able to live with them. Not being able to live with somebody means nothing but that you can't live with that person. Sometimes it can be because you have too many similarities.

That sounds like a compliment to me. Anyways, if I said that someone had no social skills but made up for with with intellect, I would certainly mean it as a compliment. Actually, I've said that about Kris plenty of times. It's one of the greatest things about him. Partially because it means that he doesn't get frustrated with my lack of social skills, doesn't play social games, etc.. Point being that I don't see how it means you're not doing well for someone to notice that you make up for a lack of social skills with excessive intellect. That's a good thing.

Thanks. For the most part I considered it a compliment. I guess what bothered me was that my efforts to be social didn't appear to be working. Oh, well...