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maintaining friendships

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alana
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26 Jan 2010, 8:05 pm

how often do you have to see or interact with friends to maintain the friendship?

I went through something weird recently and I decided not to bring up AS because I felt like I was whining. The sister of my ex moved here and I went to see her (about a 45 min drive) and then I went to her two kids birthday parties, and then she was texting me and calling me alot...I really like her and this ex of mine but I dont' feel like I maintained the friendship because I didn't want the exposure to her that she did to me. It is a drive through heavy traffic to get to her house, her kids both bounce off the walls the entire time I am there, and I end up feeling completely overstimulated. I really hedged on bringing up AS issues so she might understand better but the truth is in no way do I want 'bondage' to a friendship that way, where you have to maintain constant regular contact with texting and phone calls (both of which I don't enjoy). I feel like I failed and because she is my ex's sister I feel like I am in hot water with both of them. I guess what feels like 'normal' friendship behavior is completely overwhelming for me. She got very cold and stopped responding to my facebook messages, etc. I haven't heard from her so I assume she is mad. I'm assuming maybe she thinks I don't like her because I didn't do that NT friendship joined at the hip thing and now I don't know how to repair the situation.



leejosepho
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27 Jan 2010, 8:32 am

alana wrote:
how often do you have to see or interact with friends to maintain the friendship?
...
I feel like I failed and because she is my ex's sister I feel like I am in hot water with both of them. I guess what feels like 'normal' friendship behavior is completely overwhelming for me. She got very cold and stopped responding to my facebook messages, etc. I haven't heard from her so I assume she is mad. I'm assuming maybe she thinks I don't like her because I didn't do that NT friendship joined at the hip thing and now I don't know how to repair the situation.


You have done nothing wrong -- there is no reason for you to be "in hot water" with anyone there. She was looking for, hoping for, expecting or simply assuming an involvement much different than the kind of friendship best-suited for you ... and now in her own way, she is just as disappointed for her own sake as you are for yours.


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Jingo8
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27 Jan 2010, 8:38 am

I have no idea, i don't think anyone does but i might have that wrong.

I often feel like people ignore me, other times i don't want to contact people incase they don't really want to be with me, it's hard.

I have 2 friends, one i see "fairly often", which can be once a week and other times not see him for 2 months.

The other i only see every few months when one of us wants to do something usually.

I picked my friends specifically becuase they are no expectation types tho, so maybe that's why i don't have any others.



alana
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27 Jan 2010, 2:54 pm

leejosepho wrote:
alana wrote:
how often do you have to see or interact with friends to maintain the friendship?
...
I feel like I failed and because she is my ex's sister I feel like I am in hot water with both of them. I guess what feels like 'normal' friendship behavior is completely overwhelming for me. She got very cold and stopped responding to my facebook messages, etc. I haven't heard from her so I assume she is mad. I'm assuming maybe she thinks I don't like her because I didn't do that NT friendship joined at the hip thing and now I don't know how to repair the situation.


You have done nothing wrong -- there is no reason for you to be "in hot water" with anyone there. She was looking for, hoping for, expecting or simply assuming an involvement much different than the kind of friendship best-suited for you ... and now in her own way, she is just as disappointed for her own sake as you are for yours.


that's another part of it, the disappointment...one thing I noticed on facebook (we have known each other for almost 20 years but that is how we reconnected) is that people did really flighty things on there, and some of her negative emotions (she deleted all my posts off her page once when I didn't get back in touch with her soon enough...she got over that eventually though) were coming through in her actions. for me that is just way too much emotion to have coming at me for a friendship thing, that's one reason I left facebook, I was picking up on the emotional states of too many people at once...I can barely deal with my own emotions.



Jingo8
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27 Jan 2010, 4:22 pm

I certainly couldn't deal with someone who acts on their emotions that much, it would just bring too much frustration/negative to my life.

I need predictable, low maintenance people.



alana
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28 Jan 2010, 3:27 pm

Jingo8 wrote:
I certainly couldn't deal with someone who acts on their emotions that much, it would just bring too much frustration/negative to my life.

I need predictable, low maintenance people.


amen to that, you expressed it perfectly. The whole time I felt like there were things that were expected of me but I wasn't sure what, and I tried to do the best I could, but I wasn't getting it right. It's weird because this friend is like a perfect kinsey 3, completely bisexual, so I didn't think she would expect the whole typical female joined at the hip friendship but apparently she had more expectations than I could meet. And I am friends with three people in that family, so if you make one mad they all are kind of mad at you. oh well.



mitharatowen
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28 Jan 2010, 3:47 pm

In contrast to the above posters, I have in the past usually invested much to much time and effort into my friends. And they do not appreciate it. I did so much more for them than they ever did for me. When I have a friend, I want to see them all the time and include them in my daily activities.. even if it is just grocery shopping. I used to have a friend that I would call daily and send e-cards several times a week. I have tackled a large boy to try to save my friend from getting a wedgie at school :lol:

I have experienced untold amounts of pain at the hands of "friends" who just simply didn't care as much about me as I cared about them.

My new strategy for maintaining friendships: Don't start them.



CockneyRebel
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28 Jan 2010, 4:37 pm

I see my friends almost every day, at the clubhouse, and we go out, every two nights.


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alana
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29 Jan 2010, 7:41 pm

mitharatowen wrote:
In contrast to the above posters, I have in the past usually invested much to much time and effort into my friends. And they do not appreciate it. I did so much more for them than they ever did for me. When I have a friend, I want to see them all the time and include them in my daily activities.. even if it is just grocery shopping. I used to have a friend that I would call daily and send e-cards several times a week. I have tackled a large boy to try to save my friend from getting a wedgie at school :lol:

I have experienced untold amounts of pain at the hands of "friends" who just simply didn't care as much about me as I cared about them.

My new strategy for maintaining friendships: Don't start them.


when I was younger this was a problem for me. I lost a few friends at different times for someone with better 'connections' or whatever, it was really painful for me. I am definitely way more loyal than most of my friends have been to me, it's rare for me to find someone who values loyalty like I do...l just can't do the constant social contact. I think that it's really great that you are this way...it's just finding people who are willing to reciprocate so that you are not doing all the work.