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Asp-Z
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02 Feb 2010, 12:26 pm

I wish NTs would get this into their heads! Or at least, I wish my mum would, because she's the only person I know who assumes I can read minds.

You know the kind of stuff I mean? Like the other day, my mum didn't tell me to take my plate out after dinner, then she had a go at me for not doing it, as if I was meant to have read her mind and known she wanted me to do it or something! :roll:

And when she was taking down the Christmas tree down, she had a go at me afterwards for not helping, despite the fact she never asked me for help! She didn't even send me signals with facial expressions or anything, just plain expected me to know what she was thinking! :?

Seriously, if someone wants me to do something, why not just tell me instead of assuming I'm a psychic? :?



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02 Feb 2010, 12:34 pm

How weird because actually, I think aspies tend to find it harder to read peoples mind I would of thought in my opinion.

Maybe she wants you wanted to do things for yourself most probably otherwise, maybe it could be that aswell, after all, you are like 18 aren't you?

Because it started to happen to me more when I turned 18 and that was like back in september, things was weird and things seemed pretty unusual and didn't feel the same as I was when I was younger where my mum had to do things for me... but now its the oppisite.

Hopefully this is helpful information there?


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Asp-Z
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02 Feb 2010, 12:37 pm

superboyian wrote:
How weird because actually, I think aspies tend to find it harder to read peoples mind I would of thought in my opinion.

Maybe she wants you wanted to do things for yourself most probably otherwise, maybe it could be that aswell, after all, you are like 18 aren't you?


She does tell me that sometimes, and goes on about how I should do things for myself, but surely if that's really the case she wouldn't get angry at me for not doing it, she'd instead just wait until I work out I need to do it then do so?

I'm 15, BTW.



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02 Feb 2010, 12:46 pm

Neither am I!


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BlueMage
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02 Feb 2010, 1:22 pm

She doesn't sound unreasonable at all. She just wants you to help out around the house in the examples you gave. I suspect she wants you take your plate out every night, why should she have to tell you every night? And if she's working on something you should help instead of standing around doing nothing.



Asp-Z
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02 Feb 2010, 1:26 pm

BlueMage wrote:
She doesn't sound unreasonable at all. She just wants you to help out around the house in the examples you gave. I suspect she wants you take your plate out every night, why should she have to tell you every night? And if she's working on something you should help instead of standing around doing nothing.


If she wants me to help around the house, she should ask me for said help, not expect I'll know when she wants the help.

Also, the thought of automatically wanting to help just dosen't come into my head. That's just not my thought process. Dunno if that's an Aspie thing or not, but that's just how it is.



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02 Feb 2010, 2:07 pm

BlueMage wrote:
I suspect she wants you take your plate out every night, why should she have to tell you every night?
This happens to me all the time, I just don't think about it. With other things, too, It's hard for me to remember to do these things.



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02 Feb 2010, 3:14 pm

>If she wants me to help around the house, she should ask me for said help, not expect I'll know when she wants the help.

> Also, the thought of automatically wanting to help just dosen't come into my head.

How about thinking about it a different way. Housework is not fun and for not fun stuff, everybody appreciates help. Following up on this concept in future will definitely make people appreciate your general helpfulness and give you a break sometimes. Which you will need.

Another point is you are growing up and you are not a baby any more. You are a near-adult living in this house, which no doubt you consider your house at times, so you have responsibilities to keep the place going, too. If you want standing orders, ask your mum for them. My husband prefers it that way, that I give direct orders and standing orders are made explicit. Was hard for me to get used to, but he kept asking for it. In short, it's not your mum's job to communicate how you want it. This is the real world. You're not helping her, but just doing your part, on one level.

Another way to look at is that we are surround with patterns in movement. Food comes out of the kitchen, we eat, and the cleanup happens. The plate into the kitchen is part of the cleanup. If you can't remember to help your mum, then remember the pattern and flow. (I understand. I remember being 15 and having to grow up, too)

Well, that's my overkill for the day!



02 Feb 2010, 5:27 pm

Asp-Z wrote:
I wish NTs would get this into their heads! Or at least, I wish my mum would, because she's the only person I know who assumes I can read minds.

You know the kind of stuff I mean? Like the other day, my mum didn't tell me to take my plate out after dinner, then she had a go at me for not doing it, as if I was meant to have read her mind and known she wanted me to do it or something! :roll:

And when she was taking down the Christmas tree down, she had a go at me afterwards for not helping, despite the fact she never asked me for help! She didn't even send me signals with facial expressions or anything, just plain expected me to know what she was thinking! :?

Seriously, if someone wants me to do something, why not just tell me instead of assuming I'm a psychic? :?



When you eat and you're done, bring your dirty dishes to the sink. Don't leave them out. I would expect my own aspie child to bring them to the sink when they are done and I would tell them every time they finish eating, their used dishes go in the sink. If the dishwasher is empty and there are dirty dishes in there, put the dishes in there but rinse them of first. I will not tell them this every time they eat because I tell them the rules, they are expected to follow them for life as long as they are under my roof. Even I tell my husband I will not tell him the same things every day so he should know the rules apply for life. He has gotten better and knows.

Just like when school starts, the teacher tells her students what she wants out of them, what the rules are in her class, she expects them to follow them everyday, she will not tell them the rules everyday so students know they still apply that day. They apply for the rest of the school year.


It's possible your mother sent you signals and you didn't read them or really paid attention. I often get in my own little world I do not notice these things. That could be another reason why us aspies do not pick up on this stuff.



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02 Feb 2010, 6:45 pm

My mum was like that with doing the dishes. She always goes off at me for not doing them, then when I go to do them she snaps and says 'just don't worry - i'll do them!'. So now I just do them when they pile up to avoid her snapping at me. She'd even have a go at me for forgetting to hang out the washing.


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02 Feb 2010, 6:53 pm

People are expected to clean up after themselves after a certain age. They're expected to do that without being told. I guess it's supposed to be some sign of maturity, though when I was in college, everyone's apartments were a mess.



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02 Feb 2010, 6:56 pm

I'm not a mind reader, either.


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02 Feb 2010, 7:27 pm

Well, I do agree that you should probably be taking your plate to the kitchen; but I also think your mom should tell you that she expects you to take said plate to the kitchen after every meal. How are you supposed to know to do it if she doesn't tell you that this is what she expects of you? You might expect a typical child to assume that they are expected to take their plate to the kitchen after every meal after having been told to take their plate a couple of times; but an autistic person really needs to be told plainly, "I expect you to do this after every meal," not just have it assumed that they know this is what being asked to do so occasionally actually means. I agree with you--your mom does need to stop thinking you are a mind-reader. She needs to actually tell you what she wants done, not just assume that you know and get mad when you don't do it.

As it is, I think it is safest to operate on the assumption that your mom has standing orders for you to take your plate (and glass, and silverware) to the kitchen after meals at home, and use that as your default action. If she doesn't want you to do so, she can tell you when she sees you starting to do it.


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02 Feb 2010, 7:51 pm

I understand what you mean about not being a mind reader.

I'm a little bit AS (possibly) myself, but my son is the one with the actual diagnosis. I've been guilty of doing what your mother does.

I can tell you, without even knowing you or her, that it is a good idea for you to put your plate in the kitchen (or whatever you are meant to do with it) every single time. You don't need to ask. That goes for all kinds of picking up after yourself, like putting dirty socks where they are supposed to go, or anything to make things look more tidy. All mothers appreciate those things, and it's always okay and desirable to do those things without asking. After about the first three or four years, it gets to be a pain constantly telling your kids to pick up after themselves, or doing it for them. Really, it's exhausting. Your mother will be a much nicer person to be with if she doesn't have to do that as much.

Mothers, am I right?

When I was a kid, I never helped out or asked how I could help. It just never occurred to me. Or, on the rare occasions when it did seem like I ought to be helping out, I didn't know how, and was afraid of doing the wrong thing. I see that in my son, too.

In contrast, when my husband was a kid (according to his parents), he helped out all the time. At around age 12, he was offering to do housework, and doing all kinds of things. Guess which one of us is really good at getting and keeping a job? He is. Not me.

Parents like to see that their kids are learning to think of these things on their own, but they don't always know that that they need to say it many times. I think it's hard for NT parents to understand that just because they told their kid to put his shoes away after school yesterday, that doesn't mean that the kid is going to know that they want him to put away his shoes every time he comes home and takes them off. Maybe Mom wants my shoes in the middle of the floor today, right?



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02 Feb 2010, 8:06 pm

I also think that because you are a teenager she's expecting you to take on more responsibility like take your plate to the kitchen and be courteous and help take down the christmas tree.


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02 Feb 2010, 8:31 pm

my NT daughter is the younger child and she constantly offers to help me with things. my older AS son rarely does, but he's set a goal for himself to try to notice a few things he could help with then offer to do them. he even offered to help me unload the dishwasher one day, out of the blue. things like that generally escape his notice, so I thought it was a good thing that he offered and gave him praise for it even though I didn't want his help at the time.

he has chores, but I have to remind him. he just won't realize it's time to do them if I don't. not yet anyway. hopefully we'll get to the point where he's putting them in his PDA and obeying the alerts.

for dishes and food wrappers, I made it explicitly clear to my kids they have to put those things where they belong, that I won't do it for them and I'll get mad if their dirty dishes and trash are cluttering the place up. I still have to remind them sometimes, but they hop to and get it done because they know they're responsible for it.