can aspies be good at social relations sometimes?

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Someone I work with shows all the signs of Asperger's. I said to a mutual friend of ours that M has Asperger's and the friend shook his head, "well, he does seem to have social skills". I pointed out to him that aspies can have good social skills if they train themselves to do so, but even when they do they are often noticeable. Case in point, M appears to have good social skills when he talks to people who share his interests or those who would not mind listening to him dominate a conversation with whatever interests him.

So, can aspies teach themselves social skills and appear normal to others?

I have learned enough social skills to get by for brief periods of time in small groups, and to connect with a few people under certain circumstances. So yes, but.

After Hello/Goodbye/Ok and aside from my interests I seem to do alright. I find myself wanting more. I ask lots of questions to the point of interrogation.

jes they can

I've trained myself in social logic to make up for my lack of social intuition. I'm great at spatial relations, so I can read and mimic faces pretty well. I've also got perfect pitch, which I used to learn intonation.
However, it's exhausting, so I know my limits. Anyone who knows me would probably say I'm cool, but with a lot of anti-social moments. I'll always choose to stay home and play videogames over going to the bar with buddies.

Yes they can. Even the more mild ones don't have a problem with socializing.

I bought a book on body language which helps me understand it. I seem to be doing a lot better socially, but like someone earlier said I can't do it for long periods.

When I was a kid, or even a few years ago I couldn't say things like 'thanks' or ' that's a nice outfit.' I can now. I'm often surprised that I can say thing like that. I still struggle with some things. I like to say a quick 'goodbye' but some people like to stretch this out.

Without doubt yes, Having leant social etiquette the hard way by experiment., observation and analysis one can have an excellent understanding of others shortcomings and learn how best to hide there own.

I can socialize fine up to a point, as long as there's not too much pressure. I know how people are expected to behave and what's considered rude and offensive. I'm just not socially aggressive, not likely to initiate many conversations unless it's with someone I already know well. Small talk is even manageable for a few seconds, but I run out of it fast.

Sometimes I ignore social convention because it seems pointless under the circumstances. Sometimes I do it just for amusement to see the shocked looks and observe the awkward silences.

We can, but how effective it is depends on the individual.

I also find I'm better at socialising with people that have my interests and with people who are generally considered "weird".

I can have fairly good social relations at the right times. When I can really feel the medication and the anxiety goes completely away for a few minutes I enjoy talking.

Ugh, body language. I can usually pick up when it's being indicated that I'm not connecting or am doing something wrong, but only vaguely, and the rest....

And I don't even know what mine is like! Although my voice sounds normal, I think.



I call those things "filler comments" and I only just got them last summer. They're so useful.

I enjoy talking to talk now, sometimes in some circumstances with some people.

Honestly, what helped me the most was doing a lot of writing and analyzing of relationships and interactions, looking for the right words, patterns, ways to systematize it, and then practicing until it all became subconscious and I could relax and act natural. Until it was automatic. And doing that for piece by piece, over and over again. And learning to arrange my environment so that this *could* happen.

It's still nowhere normative. But I get these occasional moments of perfect connection, of blissful normality.

Might that be because you're aspiring to a very high standard?

When I worked at H&R Block (not this year), I took it very seriously, seemingly much more serious than most of my co-workers. I really tried to communicate with clients (including disclosing cross-collection, which I feel you've got to do), and I paid attention to what worked with communication and what didn't. And I also found ways to keep it brief.

So, yes, I did a good job, but at a considerable investment of energy.

We have our own set of skills. We can attentuate the positive and just be matter-of-fact about our deficiencies. I tell myself, I have a lot to contribute just by being myself.

In politics, I sometimes find that the less prepared I am for a meeting the better!

If I go to a meeting having a specific thing I want to say, it's more the one-dimensional salesman mode. It's not the communicative back-and-back.

For example, on the communicative side, I went to a meeting on issues regarding computer voting knowing just a medium amount. Someone asked a question. The speaker drew a distinction between a paper ballot and just a receipt. It was a good response, but not a great response. And I saw an opportunity to build him up. So I asked, "Okay, but even if it's not intended, why couldn't a receipt be used as a paper ballot?" And he explained. And I felt people's interest in the audience really heightening. Like a movie, I felt I had taken it to the next level, and had done so in a really positive way.

Now, it doesn't always work that well. Sometimes it's merely neutral, but that's okay, too.


(A paper receipt could be sold in the street. It does give a verifiable way for a person to sell their vote. And in any case, it's just a flimsy piece of paper. You have no way of knowing if the computer really counted your vote that way.

(Whereas with a paper ballot, the all-time classic example is that you make you votes on the computer and then it slides a piece of paper under glass which you can then look at it to your heart's content. You can see that it has recorded your vote(s) correctly. You then hit 'Confirm,' or similar, and the paper ballot slides to a paper tray, maybe a little bit like a photocopy machine in reverse. So, you have the advantage of electronic voting for speed. But, if a particular election is close or if there's a real question about it, you have the complete set of paper ballots which you can count by hand.)

Yes, we often can, though usually temporarily and imperfectly. Whether we should always choose to is another matter, because seeming normal often involves a certain amount of presenting yourself as someone you are not.

But I think they are going to figure out that you are a bit odd, eventually, no matter how hard you try.

I've been practicing my conversations talking to cab drivers who take me to and from school (the rehab services office has paid for that for two weeks because I totaled my car). I haven't mentioned to them that I have autism. Today, a cab driver taking me home from school told me that he thought I was very normal. He said he was surprised that I use the disability services office because he thought I "seemed very intelligent". But when I mentioned being "twice exceptional" (and explained it meant gifted and disabled simultaneously), he immediately asked whether I had autism. Apparently he's met a boy who has it and got the same vibe off me.

So much for any possibility that I'd been managing passably NT-style conversations!

They are going to figure it out. Our goal should be to communicate efficiently, not to blend in seamlessly. We'll never quite blend in, and if we could, we'd have to put on an act all the time. Not worth it!

I can do social with 2-4 people who get me. I can fake social for a limited time with a larger group - but generally seek a quiet corner and hide out.

My wife does social better than I do, but it takes more out of her - she does not have hideout skills.

Of course, my socializing a lot of NT types do not recognize as such.

I tried many many moons to fit in, especially when AS had not been diagnosed. Sometimes I was shaking because of anxiety in front of people which was very embarassing. The few friends I have love me the way I am and accept I have Asperger, some other friends didn't accept it so they did not accept me, so that was the end of my friendship with them.

I can be a bit social, I went to this church called Christian City Church which was a very very cool church with cool people and they quite much accepted me but I started talking a lot about my problems and with that I mean a lot which was a huge mistake of me. They still were and are very nice for me, but I don't go there anymore because I get too stoned being around so many people and I look too sad and lacking energy/sleepy all the time.

The last time when I had my own company I had like really big producers & media companies as a client and I had to interact with them and with other companies together with the clients in meetings, sometimes it went quite well as I can be very informal from time to time and the clients appreciated my straight-forwardness and they liked the fact I was a bit different with AS (as many people in the TV bussiness like akward people) but sometimes it got so overwhelming that I thought I would die of anxiety and I had to go to the toilet to calm down and the client (in this case a media company called Swordfish Media) asked me if the project was not too big for me since I looked overwhelmed/stoned.