My adult brother with AS and his poor decision making

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My 41 year old brother was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome 8 yrs ago. He lives alone and relies on our parents for transportation and supplemental financial assistance. We all live in the deep south and he announced recently that he is moving to Michigan and has already purchased a train ticket with a departure in one month. He hates the cold, has no plans to secure housing until he gets there, does not know anyone there, and is traveling with clothes and a few personal items. He gets angry and cuts off contact with anyone who opposes his decisions. My parents are walking the line of trying to talk sense into him without causing him to storm off into the snowdrifts of Michigan with no idea of if he is alive or not. Any suggestions on how to approach this situation?

Just hoping for some insight from a person with Asperger's who can help me to understand how I can help my brother to see all the facets involved in this decision or insight from a family member who has been there. I implore you to pontificate. : ) There is no right or wrong here as far as I am concerned.

Did you ask him why he wants to move to Michigan?

Great question. He says that he is not happy here. He has a tendency to move because he is not happy, he is happy for a time while in the new place, then he becomes unhappy and wants to move again. Usually the moves are a lot closer than 1243 miles away (yes I looked it up.) He doesn't get that it is probably not the locale that is making him unhappy. He has moved more than 30 times.

Welcome to WrongPlanet.

Well....maybe let himw go and have an adventure. I mean that.
He may need to "test his wings" and see how he does without mum and dad and family.
Sure, there's risk involved...but it is his life and ultimately his decision.

I was recently speaking with someone in the 12 step program i go to. This woman now knows i have AS and she told me about her cousin who was autistic. He lived at home for many years with his parents. He had some amazing skills in engineering in maths but never really worked and never really had any friends. One day. he decided to leave the parental home. He left and never came back, and he spent his years walking around Australia with a knapsack on his back. Australia is BIG. It can also be dangerous. HE survived and lived like that for years and years - an autistic eccentric trotting along the road, buidling his little camps and night and communing with stars and animals and the wind and the cold in the southa nd the crocs and the wet tropic heat in the north.
He came through Sydney occasionally and trotted into his family's home. He came in filthy, with a loing beard, unkempt and unorthodox.

AND HE CAME IN TO THAT HOME HAPPY!

His parents let him go. He chose a life they didn't really understand or like, but they let him go.
And most importantly, he found joy in the way he lived.

Don't impose YOUR views on your AS brother. Some of us may appear a little crazy to others. I know I do at times. That was inferrred to me just the other and i take it on board with a little smile and think "yep, and don;t i love who i am!"
If he stuffs up he can always return.
If he makes it - he might just derive some esteem from making a choice that is all his and that is REALLY important for us to do at times.

Give him the right and the choice to succeed or fail.
good luck.

and thanks for the thread and the OP as it is good to highlight these issues.

Just let him move and make his own mistakes. Just tell him of the consequences and how is he going to be finding a place to live and where will he be staying, how will he be getting a job, etc. It be something or him to think about before he makes the big move. If he still wants to do it, let him. He is an adult.

When I wanted to move to Oregon because I didn't like where I lived, my parents helped me. My aunt and uncle were living there and still do and I knew if things didn't work out between my ex and I, I would live with them. That's what I basically did in March of 2007 and they brought more stuff out to me and I had it stored in their garage and basement and then they brought out more furniture when I moved into my own apartment. I still have some stuff out in Montana at my parents house and in my grand parents chicken house because I have no room.

I would advise letting him go but making sure he had a way to contact you and/or your parents, like a prepaid cell phone that won't get turned off while he's homeless/jobless. It is very possible that he isn't telling you everything, he might be going to that specific place due to a woman or man he wants to meet and is reluctant to talk about it. But it is also a possibility that he chose that place without a plan, like you say. Just rely on his sense of self preservation to bring him back or notify you if he is in truly a lot of trouble, he has made it to this age thus far. You can certainly say you don't agree with his decision, but make sure you point out that you will still want him back no matter what. He could really use the help of a therapist, but if he is running from his family, he will not accept that advice until he comes on it himself or from someone else that is not you or your parents. I can understand his desire to stay away from family as I still do so, if probably not for the same reasons. I can imagine the confusion and worry if it was someone that I cared about that was doing this, and I wish you luck with this. I think it will turn out okay in the end, even if it requires a bit of sacrifice in the short term, if that is what you are willing to do.

I can relate to this.

Your brother, despite being 15 years older than me, seems like a mentally less mature version of myself. I've never actually moved but I've been preoccupied with fantasies about other places for years. I still am, even when I know I won't become more happy simply by moving.

What I've come to realize is that a lot of my moving fantasies are products of my own idealistic inner world. A reality which doesn't exist outside of my head. Sure, some places or cultures might be more beautiful or interesting, have more people I can get along with better, more potential sexual partners etc but I still don't feel any of this would target the source of my existential issues.

Trying to counter inability to handle reality by projecting ones own dream world onto the real world can lead to amazing and unexpected twists or careers in some cases, as was the case with Adolf Hitler and his vagabond lifestyle which led him to power over the Third Reich. In most cases though I think the results might be an increased feeling of emptiness and despair.

How to tell a person this and get them to stop feeling and acting irrationally is very hard, and it's probably not even for others to do at all. The restlessness your brother must be feeling in his soul won't go away unless he finds the answers himself.

So my advice is also to let him go. Eventually he might find some enlightenment and come to terms with his own agony, fate might be good to him. Sometimes you have to rely on coincidences in life.

Quote: Your brother, despite being 15 years older than me, seems like a mentally less mature version of myself.


What an arrogant thing to say.

I have moved around a lot... I used to get to the place then settle into routine and schedule and everything... I really am not so sure as to why. I still get unhappy with where I am at, not because of the people around or anything, but the scenery never ever changes. While I do tend to stick to pretty strict routines... there were times when I would just up and do something pretty drastic.

Changing the furniture around, or getting new things in the house-all of that doesn't help it... I'm still in the same spot I was before that.

Currently is the longest I've lived anywhere in a while, and it's for my kiddos basically. I'm VERY uncomfortable here... it's been 5 years of the same neighborhood crap, the same lousy stores we have here, just the same stuff everywhere I go. While I find comfort in that, I still have troubles from time to time in just pure boredom.

I get out of the house and all, but where do I go? The same 3 places I know how to get to, the same 3 places I am comfortable with... it's almost too repetitive as far as life goes. I like my personal space to stay fairly the same, but need new scenery from time to time and new experiences. I feel like I just don't get out there and do anything new EVER, and that just gets on my nerves.

Granted, up and moving isn't really the ideal way to go about it, and I'm a mess for a while afterwards really, trying to establish new routines and all, or trying to just get on my own 2 feet... I always enjoyed it as well. Every time, I've wound up fairly close to home though in the end.

Is there any way you could find out if he is really going to actually live there or just needs a break from seeing the same old stuff day in and day out? Maybe he's just really after an extreme change in everything to mix things up a bit?

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. Nothing would make me happier than for my Bro to find happiness and I hope that this move is 'the one." I think u can see the concern here. Yes, he has been homeless before and has survived, but that was in the balmy gulf coast region. Forgive me for using a term contrived by the media, but maybe I am more ramped up about this due to snowmageddon. <Ugh! Can't believe that term escaped my keyboard> I don't see where his life expectancy is going to increase by moving to the tundra. I like having him around...ohhh the banter that ensues!

As an aside...I believe that I married someone with AS and it was my Bro who prepared me for him. My husband just beeped along with the alarm then broke into song. The selection??..."Frito Bandito." Ha! Gotta love it!

I am prying myself off of here to head to work. I will be back on here late tonight with a sore throwing arm from the Mardi Gras parade. Are u figuring out where I am from yet?? ; )