Can't describe how good this feels.....

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Hi everyone.....

Aspergers has been discussed in therapy with me. Yesterday it has been confirmed by my Psychologist(confirmed in the sense of being on a peice of paper if I should need it when I go back to Uni.....Its official!) I am still going for psychometric testing in April/March to rule out other factors (ADD/ADHD).

My T and I had this "intimate moment" in therapy.......she spoke for at least 10 minutes about her findings and the difficulty in reaching those decisions based on such a convoluted and relatively brutal history and the fact that the DSM criteria for AS is based on dx children and predominantly males. So she has had to apply 2 years of observation and history to the criteria and make her findings. She believes beyond reasonable doubt that there is a mix of PTSD and AS (with broad Borderline PD traits).

The schizoaffective is in question, the GAD is in question and traits of Anti-social PD, Narcissistic PD and Bipolar......do not exist.......and never have.

So, I cried and cried and cried........all these years that I have been called a monster, a sociopath, a psychopath, cold, unfeeling, inhuman, emotionless, ruthless, calculating, uncaring and hostile, were, by the expression of my behaviour, true on the outside. But for COMPLETELY different reasons. I had felt like a trapped animal for so long that I started to behave like one. I exacted such extreme anger and violence on people I perceived to be a threat, not because I was motivated by violence, but because I was so SCARED. So inept at processing my environment that I displayed paranoia, and fear and isolation. That I seemed so anti-social due to my behaviour I was labelled as one. I was told so many times that I lacked remorse and a conscience, that I BELIEVED after a while that I didn't. That I was nothing more than a robot, in hatred of human kind.

And so I lived it. I suffocated for so long under the mantle of my behaviour that my feelings became so tired at trying to come out so that people could understand, so that people could SEE me. That I spent years screaming into the void 'I am human!! I care, I love, WHY CAN"T YOU SEE ME!! !! !

And it remained trapped and volatile and destructive, purely because I was imprisoned by my own lack of comprehension and understanding and my inability to turn feelings into words. I have been ostracised and vilified and abused. I have been called a psycho and a weirdo and a nutjob. And probably for good reason.....but inside was this storm, this hurricane building, trying to surface and take its ferocity out to sea.......were it could be calm, and still and understood......and bring cleansing rain to all that needed it. While I raged around inside this reactor, the little voice of a girl, reedy, indistinct and quiet, lamented constantly "Why am I so misunderstood, why can't I pass this impenetrable blackness and vacuous space, to show my true self. I am dying inside because no-one can see me. It is not worth them trying, because I CANNOT say. I do not know how. I just want to be SEEN. Why are people so strange and terrifying?" and "Why do they think I am terrifying?".......so much deep, terrible confusion......and frustration......and sadness.

I have grieving to do. I do not regret the past nor live in denial of it. I do not question so much, as accept it, unconditionally. I cannot change what has happened to me, or what I have done. But this huge weight has been lifted. That I am human, I just don't process it well. That people are frightening, because I see them that way for whatever reason, and I can overcome. That I can say "I don't understand" and not be accused of stupidity. That I can ask for clarification over and over until I get it right and not feel incompetent. That I can succeed with more directed help........I just need to hug the great sense of loss that I feel and the sadness of trauma, inflicted by a gross amount of misunderstanding that has spanned my lifetime.

My T concluded with this statement "Mics, you are incredibly strong. You have come to your own conclusions without really knowing what was going on. You have forgiven whatever innocent transgressions others have inflicted on you. You truly believe that whatever you have been dx with in the past, was for a reason even if it wasn't the right one at the time. You have trusted your psych help in the past, even when you knew that it was wrong, that they had no real clue who you were, as you had no idea yourself. You are a loving, warm, compassionate human being with all the wonderful qualities of a true humanitarian, even if you are a bit of a misanthropist. You would never hurt another human being unless you were defending yourself or your family. You are not and never will be, a sociopath."

Sweet, merciful Lord........thank you, thank you, thank you.

Mics

Wow Mics, you've been through so much. I can't relate completely but I bet you're feeling relieved.
I hope you'll do much better now. And good luck with getting diagnosed with AS. Did I interpret that right? You're not diagnosed yet?

Oh yes! So relieved.......and sad and joyous and apprehensive......it is all happening!

Yes, I have been dx with Aspergers........it just took a while for my shrink to be sure. We are on the right path.......of fixing the trauma of the past......and helping me with my future.

Thank you......

Mics

Michhsta, hello and congratulations to your official diagnosis. For me it also was an incredible relieve the day I got mine.
Today I was reading some papers I have written many many years ago approx two years before my diagnosis. I write how I feel myself diffrent and that Im so aware of it but I try to "hold on and keep going" and to hold back my feelings and actions that could be refered to be weird. I even said it myself, "something is not normal with me"...
All this got to think of all the years I was without and unaware of AS.

I hope you will get a good new start from this point. That you find your very own and personal paths of what AS is. I wish you great good luck!

that is such a beautiful and expressive post. Thanks for sharing that and congrats on getting your diagnosis and some relief and validation.

And I add my congratulations to your diagnosis as well, Michhsta. The right dx certainly takes a great load off the mind by clarifying the issues.

Michhsta, I am glad you are finally "unraveling" the mystery and realising that who you are and what you are always was ok, AND IS OK.
You are a strong person.

I love it, Mics! I read your post above and then this one just standing up and cheering for you! Your story is so close to my own experience and I looked at your age and see you are a BABY, a mere child so much time to live and grow and be and see the world with your new pair of glasses. . .
hug yourself for me, heck for all of us! and Welcome home!

Merle

Thank you so much everyone for your kind and warm replies.......

The unravelling of all the misnomers and miscalculations has been liberating to say the least......

I am glad to be home and for the first time in my life, do not feel homesick.

I feel......like me.......for the first time.

Mics