The Desire for Acceptance

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if there's one thing I've discovered that both social misfits and well-connected/sociable people/socialites seem to have in common, it's that neither seem to be very secure with themselves, and would likely sell out their own best friends to be "accepted", despite what Hollywood will tell you.

The misfits--despite having the personal experience of not being accepted--in my mind are the ones who'd more likely approve of themselves and individuality seem to be overly desperate to be accepted by those that are well connected/sociable.

Those that are well connected/sociable are often "keeping up appearances" in these cases.

From what I've experienced, the misfit usually never learns to forget the crowd, and just "be him/herself & be happy with it"...they're usually still so incredibly desperate for acceptance cause they don't find it on the inside.

Hollywood lies on it, and bad; granted, it's Hollywood, so how much truth can you really expect from it?

Still, it's thoroughly disheartening I think; any thoughts?

I have recently realised that my craving for social acceptance stems from my comparing myself too much to my sister. She is very socialble and will say to me that I am weird. That's not the sort of thing that builds ones confidence up.

I was thinking the other day that I actually enjoy my solitude. I made my dinner, did the dishes and then sat and read and listened to some music for a couple of hours and felt alot happier than I would if I had forced myself to go to a party with all the stress of trying to interact socially.

But then I get these moments where I do feel lonely and if I'm not careful that extends into days and weeks of woefulness where even the anti-depressants I'm on don't seem to help. So I don't know. I think that personally I am partly NT, partly Aspie (if you look at the results of that test I did my graph doesn't look like an Aspie graph). So I have no idea how to cope really.

What do you mean by Holywood lying? What films or programs do you mean?

I say this because I like 8 simple rules, for example. I relate to Kerry because she feels like she's missing out because she's nerdy and her sister is the shallow socialtie.

I feel your pain. Ideally, I'd like to have self-confidence, but one of the major reasons for my depression is the incessant dwelling on what other people think of me. My parents were alcoholics and it's symptomatic of children of alcoholics to constantly crave approval. My brother does it in his own way. My neurodivergence probably exacerbates this tendency. The fact that I am eccentric means I could greatly benefit from not worrying about what other people think, within reason, but it's hard. Why do I care if people make superficial judgments about me without really getting to know me? I should not want to hang out with those people anyway.

I don't care if I'm accepted or not, but then, I'm innately asocial.

Haha Daniel-off topic for a moment, but my son looks a lot like Ralphie (in your avatar). My daughter saw your avatar and asked where you got a picture of Zack

Hmmm... acceptance is one of those things I want sometimes, and other times I could care less. It's also something I think I want, until someone shows some interest, then it makes me uncomfortable to have to maintain that relationship after I realize what I've done... I have learned from experience, that when I do feel okay talking to people and all, there is only so much I can offer them that will keep them interested... after a certain point though, I become quite repetitive and boring... or I just lose the desire to talk to them at all.

Kind of like I want friends really badly at times... seek it out, then once that person calls me a friend, that need is filled and I don't know what to do with it anymore. I'll forever consider them a friend, even if they probably consider me to be "this weird chic I talked to once"...

I too am innately solitude seeking, disturbed like Abe Lioncoln's father by seeing the smoke from a neighbour's fire, and happiest sitting alone or quietly with a likethinker doing my thing and dreeing my weird.

BUT - I am filled with pain and resentment when rejected, when singled out for negative attention, when seen as a sideshow.

I should like to have the choice - do I today and here and now want to be solitary, or would I enjoy a congenial companion? I never want a party or a crowd, and a crowd starts at 6 people in a room, but a quiet talk or companionable coworking is often just what the doctor ordered.

The societal attention scares off a lot of potential congenial companions.

Up until I discovered AS I was pretty much torn between wanting to be more of a socialite and liking my solitude. I've always been infinitely happier when I'm alone but for the longest time I was angry at myself for it because I knew that girls my age were supposed to be social, especially when I compared myself to the rest of my family who hate being alone. Once I fouls out about AS that pretty much melted away as I started to look at myself with a different perspective. I wasn't angry at myself anymore for not being able to talk to people or because I wanted to be alone all the time. I also stopped scolding myself for not being able to keep friends, instead it made me appreciate even more the very few true friends I have now. I don't care about fitting in anymore and decided to focus on making myself happy and accepting who I am. If people don't like it then fine with me, I don't need their approval to survive

Urg, my posts always end up longer than I wanted haha

I'd rather embrace my own individuality, than change to suit society's standards, in order to be accepted. I'm a proud misfit.

I don't care much about fitting into mainstream society, but I feel a very strong need to find and be accepted by at least a few "like minds." Luckily I'm a musician so I tend to fall in with other musicians, and they're often refreshingly eccentric. I love reclusive people and weirdos generally. "The crowd" doesn't interest me at all.

I agree that most mainstream people seem every bit as lost and lonely as the eccentrics......the world isn't a particularly loving place even for neurotypicals. I doubt that things will ever improve while we stick to capitalism......that little monster seems to spread hate and suffering wherever it goes. But maybe we get the system we deserve. Perhaps it's just human nature not to give a damn about the happiness of others. So the ones who do happen to care are onto a hiding for nothing.

Communism has never worked and never will.
Because, as you already remarked, people do not care about others, in some ways.
But no, I do not crave attention or acceptance or social interaction.

I recently had a conversation about this same subject with my clergy. I have fought my whole life about being accepted and noticed.

I also had this conversation with a friend whom was mayor of his small community during and after a major flood. He won numerous awards for his leadership on a local, state and national level. But again he was very insecure when it came to what he thought that the people of his community thought of him. He was upset about the criticisms and unreasonable expectations that people had placed on his leadership, even though he was trying to accomplish the best results that he could. He had told me on a number of occasions that he did not feel accepted by his community. He ended up winning reelection this last year, and some of the ideas, processes and procedures have been adopted by other communities going through the same situation.

I told him that accpetance is in the eyes of the beholder. People can lack tolerance or knowledge because they do not understand the person or the situation. People in a lot of situations accept us for certain aspects of our personality, but not the whole. People in many situations are also not going open acknowledge that they accept you, but expression of acceptance is more subtle. Even people who have the world by the ass also feel like they are not accepted.

Quite how I feel.

Whilst I want to have social acceptance, I do tend to compare myself also with my sister who is of course brilliant and socially well liked. She has had friends, boyfriends and has very high self esteem. She can keep friends and make them so easily and I wish I could be like her. When she was younger she would be quite ''antagonistic'' about all of this and would repeatedly remind me to the extent that it would further contribute to the depression but now, whilst she has friends she and my relationship has improved.

Yet, at the same time as much as I want social acceptance (friends etc.) I enjoy my solititude moments. I have a relaxing routine that is hardly interrupted compared to my sister's ''routine''. Yet, I do get lonely and I don't lie when I say that it doesn't further delve the depth of depression yet I'm conflicted as I prefer my own company. It's confusing. I'm not sure what I want.

I think the younger you are and the more crammed into groups of people that are similar to you demographically the more this matters. Eventually everyone becomes a misfit, even within their own body. It can really work a number on you when you are crammed in schools with your peers and everyone is the same age, etc. Or if you have a bunch of coworkers aiming for 'sameness'. But you can find environments that encourage difference and self-expression, there is more freedom to do that as people get older.