I don't like being led on!

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This is something that really bothers me. When a person I'm attracted to leads me on. It makes me obsess like NO OTHER. Then, all the energy I spent obsessing is completely wasted because the person had no intention of following through with their actions. It's the same for jobs. I spent so much money and time traveling to Boston, for a job I wanted there. They led me on for months, only to tell me I didn't get it. They made me travel out to Boston twice! It's the most frusterating thing I can think of and it makes me want to rip my hair out! Are we easily led on? What's your experience?

I'm sorry that you had such bad experiences with it, and I hope that there is some good to balance it out for you in the near future. Yes, I am extremely easy to lead on. I'm very trusting and naive, even at my age. And I am totally the same as you are about obsessing about someone while they are just leading me on and then being devastated when they finally break the news to me or they just disappear. The last person to do it was someone on this site, so I won't get into specifics as I don't want to be mean to her. But it is quite harsh, and I really feel for you.

I've never been led on in the first way you mentioned because I've never really obsessed about another person. However I have been led on about a job before. I was looking into doing some work experience with animals. I found a vet clinic that said they would possibly have a place for me over the xmas holidays, just doing general duties like cleaning cages, bathing animals, & they said I may even get to watch some procedures. I gave them my contact details, references etc and I never heard back from then again. I'm guessing this is a common experience though and not just one that those with AS experience.

I was very easily led on as a kid. I had a cousin the same age as me and we spent so much time together that we were like bother and sister. However he would manipulate me into do things that would get me into trouble just for his amusement and I never even realised that he was doing it. I thought that I got myself into trouble so I accepted the punishments, although I didn't have any idea what I did wrong.

Dustin, this may not be true of the more socially challenged among us, but the average person tends to date multiple people at a time for the first several weeks - couple months of dating. Eventually they choose one person and break the bad news to all the others. This often causes the people who didn't make the cut to feel like they got cheated out of something, especially if they're insecure or were just really into the person, or as often happens, they were doing heavy petting/makeout/more with the other person before being committed. But, the other person was probably doing what she felt was in her best interest - even though she may or may not have been wrong. The healthiest thing to do is to remember that there's someone else out there for you, and the way you're going to find that person is to go out there and hunt.

The same is true for jobs. Don't dwell on the past, attack the future.

Good advice.

OP, people's intentions are misinterpreted all the time and when it comes to dating, sometimes people change their minds about a person. That doesn't mean they didn;t fancy you for a while, or that they meant to lead you on. I've probably 'flirted' with people myself without realising that's what I was doing (to me, I was just being friendly).

I have been in your position; I knew a guy who sent out what I thought were very strong signals that he was interested (picking me up and twirling me around, writing my name on a wall etc..) and I began to crush on him, but I later found out he had a girlfriend the entire time! I don't know if he meant to give out the wrong signals; I'll reserve judgement, but I was a bit upset at the time.

But the thing is, you can't change how other people act. You just have to learn to control your own feelings with regards to others behaviours. You can err on the safe side and not believe anyone is interested in you until they hit you over the head with it (the route I took), or you can take chances and not take it personally if it doesn't work out (sounds a better option to me). Either way, when you start to get obsessed with someone, nip it in the bud; even if the other person does turn out to fancy you after all, an obsession is not a healthy way to go into a relationship as it will blind you to who they really are and what they're like.

It's also possible he was being led on

Some girls like to have a 'nice guy' around who is willing to do everything with them, even if it's because the guy wants something she isn't planning to give him.

And it's never helpful to show a girl that you're obsessed with her. Despite what girls might tell you.

I don't like to be led on, either. That really bothers and confuses me. If people like me, or they don't, I'd like to know, right away.

I think we are because we interpret literally and don't understand 'w*k', i.e. people doing things for their own self-gratification rather than because they literally are attracted/interested in something we have to offer.

That's crude but that is my experience. Things that aspies think 'mean' this or that, may not mean anything to the other person and that person may not care about the effect of what they are doing at all.

I was led on twice this week. My husband's friend invites us over for dinner but he forgot about it. My brother in law says he wants to come over and stay the night so he can pick out a computer from the catalogue. But we go there to get him and he changes pans on us and had no memory of what he said. He was drunk that's why when he talked on the phone.

I also hate it when people say they are going to call me back and they don't. I have an aspie friend who does this but I don't listen to her anymore when she says if she can call me back. Same as if she says she will call back in ten minutes.

When I was 16 I filled out an application and they said they will call Saturday for interviews. So that day comes and I wait for them to call and they never did and I was upset about it because I made my dad wait and he couldn't go to Missoula that day to get his appraisal done because I had to wait. But we went the next day.

I have learned to not listen to people over the years because they never keep their word.

:::

It's so weird because as I'm reading all of your responses to this I see an ad on the bottom of this website for San Francisco Ballet. I have an audition with them in two days and with the experience I just had in Boston, I really really really hope they're not just leading me on too...I mean I know it's an honor just to be asked to come audition, but I just really want things to work out...I have to stay positive. BTW, Boston Ballet was the company that led me on for a long time and made me audition twice, just to tell me they don't have any positions available. Let's hope the same doesn't happen for San Francisco Ballet.

That is weird.

I think over time you'll learn to be a little more cynical about such things.

The jobs market is unfortunately a buyers' market, so employers can and do get away with taking the most appalling liberties with candidates. There are so many people desperate for money that they'll swallow their pride and jump through all kinds of uncomfortable hoops in the pursuit of some tiny chance of a job. After my first job interview I actually thought it would be improper of me to apply for another job until I'd heard back from them, so I sat back and waited, and waited....... eventually I visited them again....nobody knew what was going on but one of them said they thought the post had been taken.....a couple of days later I got a letter saying sorry but I hadn't got the job. I guess my visit must have reminded them that I still existed After that I decided I wasn't going to wait for anybody else.

A similar thing happened when I was looking for a partner via postal dating services (the forerunner of online dating). I'd wait and wait for a reply, feeling that it would be almost adulterous to try another one until I'd had a reply. But as time went by I realised that most people just leave you waiting and wondering. So I started sending several out at once, which I really didn't like doing, but just felt forced into it by the insensitivity of the others......I got just one positive reply, but some time after than there was another one, which only happened because one of my letters had been delayed for a week or two in the mail. I did the decent thing and replied to explain my change of circumstances, and wishing her good luck in finding somebody else. Somehow I've always felt that potential relationships deserve more respect than potential employment, even when most of the people concerned couldn't be bothered with it.

As for being actively led on, I think I was quite a sucker for some time. My first girlfriend ditched me without any warning for another guy that she was much more interested in. It wasn't as callous as it sounds, she was "stuck" on the guy, and he kept deserting her and then coming back whenever anybody else was getting into the picture. My second girlfriend taught me the folly of trying to be too non-possessive - she asked me if it was OK if she dated another guy and I said I had no problem with that, and then not long after she said that he'd told her she had to choose between me and him......and she chose him But I fared better after that.

So like I say, I think it's important to become a bit cynical and to re-educate ourselves not to be too naive about the intentions of people we don't know. Sadly, it's hard to learn that lesson without going through the sorrow of a bad experience or two. It's also important not to become too cynical.....that can blind us to the existence of the good in people and it can prevent us from taking the chances that are necessary if we're going to get anywhere at all. It's probably harder for Aspies to strike the right balance between trust and cynicism, as we're often stuck in black and white thinking, and in my case I find it very difficult to be just moderately interested in a prospective job or partner - I'm either head over heels or I barely give a damn. But it's possible to temper these things to some extent, once you know what's going on in your head. I usually find that if I notice my black and white thinking as it's happening, I can then start looking at the grey area between, and my decisions get better.

These things are always a gamble. You weigh up the risks and benefits, you try to assess how big a stake is appropriate, and you keep it in mind that you'll win a few and lose a few. Mostly the heart probably has other ideas, and it'll defeat the head a lot of the time....it's a hideously inefficient process, but if you keep at it, it's very likely that sooner or later you'll find the job and the partner that you want.

I wasn't led on in that way but in peer pressure wise do to things that were in the wrong and that was like when I was younger....

I would always regret it like the one time I bunked off to the city and then came back really late, I then started to regret it inside and cry and thinking to myself, why did I do that? I was in alot of trouble that I was banned from coming out places and trips.

Since then, I couldn't let people do that and be my own person that I'am...

ToughDiamond, please refer to my first post in this thread.

Most jobs will not contact you if they aren't going to hire you. Every once in a while they will be kind enough to. I don't agree with this practice, and think it's weak of them, but it shouldn't be a practical issue if you do what they do and interview a large number of candidates simultaneously (in fact these days I believe it's absolutely necessary).

Likewise, if you sit around waiting for someone who is probably herself talking to a bunch of candidates, you're going to make your life miserable.

Don't get overly cynical, and don't gamble. Just learn from the experience and adjust your strategy.

Interesting.......two different approaches, serial and parallel dating. I'm not sure how often the parallel method is actually used - I always thought that was something for those who are extremely attractive to the mainstream - I doubt that most folks would qualify (I'm sure I wouldn't), and personally I tend to find conventionally attractive women rather shallow and forgettable, so I don't know much about that way. Quite likely I'd also get quite confused by the multi-tasking. I guess there's nothing wrong with it, as long as it's their declared way of doing things, though if there's heavy petting or actual sex going on, there could still be some very badly hurt feelings and nasty conflicts.

So I was always much more the "serial" type, and the partners I found were usually the same. Just as well, because I guess the two ways of pairing up don't mix well. I would sometimes go out with girls who I was quite sure weren't exactly my girlfriends, and sometimes we'd become quite close, but any sexual interaction, even a French kiss, would always put the relationship on a more serious footing, and it would then feel quite wrong for me to date anybody else until that one had ended. I was slightly naughty for a year or two back in '80-'82, but these days I look back on that phase as rather unwholesome.

I also wonder whether this "parallel" way is more a thing for the young?


I'm not sure if it's really possible to avoid gambling in some sense of the word. You invest what you think is wise and the gamble is whether or not it works out. I'd say it was more a case of trying to make sure you don't bet too much of your feelings on somebody who doesn't warrant it, or too little on somebody who does. Even if you pass up the chance of a date or a relationship, in a sense you're gambling that you aren't throwing away something that could be very good for you.