Hurting His Feelings Unintentionally

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My BF is an NT and even though he is understanding of my AS, he keeps getting his feelings hurt because I don't "think of the relationship," and I lack sensitivity to his feelings. When he explains what happened, I feel remorseful and really make an effort to change, but I keep falling short. It's frustrating for both of us. Any suggestions?

If he can learn to live with the way you are (which is a lot easier than you trying to change) then he will be rewarded with more loyalty and honesty than most people have.

Are you not thinking of the relationship now? Maybe not right now, because of the delay between you posting this and me seeing this, but please explain more, it is confusing.

Have you asked him what he means when he says you don't 'think of the relationship'. It's a very ambiguous term.

For example, he invites me to do things and I'm not interested in doing the things a lot but he thinks I should go anyway because of wanting to do them with him. He said NT's do that a lot and that he does that for me. His feelings get hurt when I say no.

He also says that through the day, I'm more concerned with me and what I want than what is going on with him in the relationship.

Well you can go anyway just to make him happy. Bring your stuff with to keep you busy so you are not bored. Like a book to read or your laptop (if you have one) or games to play (if you have any). I don't know what places he is trying to bring you to of course.

Do you want to do these things just for the sake of doing something with him?
He seems rather odd.
Really, I cannot understand his standpoint, he seems not to think of you from what I am getting patched through.

Well, he does LOTS of things he doesn't want to do just to spend time with me, and I never do. So, he may have a point

That does not make sense to me.
But I do not know how relationships are supposed to work and have no experience.
It is not very fair.
If he is going to do something for you and then expect you to do the same back and you do not want to and he refuses to stop doing that, he is being unfair.
But now, you are not being fair to him.
Either do things with him, or have him stop doing things for the sake of doing things with you.

Yeah, I think he does have a point. Relationships are about compromise. So, you have to find ways to do what he likes to do, just like he is finding ways to do what you like to do. I think it's going to take some thought, and you might have to tell him there are some things you literally can't do; but if you can find things that you can do that he likes, and he finds things that he can do and you like, you may be able to meet in the middle. Hopefully there are common interests that you both like...

Well, one main point of conflict is that he wants me to take walks and I am slightly agoraphobic and have trouble getting out the door.

This is one thing I don´t understand about NT relationships, the idea that couples have to do "everything together". I know people who don´t do things that they really want to do, but complain all the time, just because their husbands won´t do it with them. For me, this makes no sense. It seems like the solution is to find activities that you both really enjoy, and can do together much of the time, while some of the time you engage in other activities either alone or with other people. I guess in one way it´s good if he brings it up, as then maybe you two can find an alternative way to spend more time together; however, on the other hand, I don´t think it´s right to expect a partner to do something that they really don´t want to do.

That doesn't make any sense. If he wants to spend time with you, why not be at your apartment or be at his?

To be honest, I would agree with him. The way you are acting is completely selfish. Why on earth do you think it's ok for him to do things he doesn't particularily enjoy for your sake, yet you don't repay the favour?

It's agorohobia, like I said.. hard to get over

We also live together and neither of us work outside the home (we're self-employed.. so we see each other a lot but don't necessarily play together.

...also, we do both, things we both like is part of what we do..

but he says I'm so stuck in my rigid patterns I won't venture out to try what he likes.