Perfectionism getting in the way of working

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I have been self-employed for eight years and frankly I don't know how it is that I have been able to do it. Especially on days like today.

Is it an AS thing that I absolutely cannot get started on a tricky project unless

A) there is someone right next to me helping me / validating my starting point choices

OR

B) I have planned every little step out in advance, in writing, and everything is perfect the way I wanted it and planned it?

For the past few days I have been freaking out (a little more each day, today being the worst), over an assignment I was given, which I cannot start no matter how many lists of the tasks involved I make, because I am missing one very key element that I needed, that I told the client I needed, that I thought I would have before I started, but unfortunately I don't have, and apparently won't ever have, and the client expects me to be able to do it "as best as I can" without it.

But I hate "as best as I can" and I cannot get started on a project knowing it wont be as good as it is supposed to be. I don't even know where to begin, because the end result is not guaranteed, and I have trouble changing my original plans.

What's worse, I have been lying for the past few days, saying "I'm working on it" to the client (well not entirely a lie, because looking at the files over and over again, and freaking out might be considered a form of work - it certainly isn't play!), and so they will expect me to at least have something to show, but I have nothing...

I need to be able to just "do what works" and most of all, calm down, but I've been doing nothing but crying and hyperventilating all morning, which disgusts me. I am disgusting myself and neither my boyfriend nor my best friend understand me, and make it worse by saying "it's not so hard, just do it" which just makes me feel like a headcase.

Wondering if anyone has experienced anything like this, if their perfectionism and need to control everything thing gets in the way of being productive, and if it is an AS thing, or just me being impossible? Also how to stop??

Also please forgive me if I am emotional/annoying. I am new to this board and don't know how much complaining we are allowed to do

I can completely relate to this statement. Not so much to the second one because I actually need help with planning and that sends me right back to point A.



I can also relate to what you are saying. I find the phrase "as best as I can" very aversive. I don't know if this is similar to what you said in the last paragraph, but I will completely avoid a task if I can't have it "my way" eg. perfect. This is completely unreasonable because I have gotten failing grades on projects because I just wont do them......and I could have gotten a decent grade by doing "the best I could".



*hugs* I don't know if I can help. The only thing that has *sort of* helped me is find something within the project that I can do "perfect" and then deal with "imperfect" part later....but you mentioned a "key element", I don't know if my suggestion is relevant. However, this only works if your project does not need to be done in a specific order. I just try to work in parts ad pieces because when I see one HUGE project I immediately feel overwhelmed.

Oh my...I can surely relate to this. I want to help, but I am challenged by it too. But, when I can make progress to try to complete something, there have been some things I can do to possibly get myself to do it.

Sometimes it might as easy as laying out the task in front of me, and before starting make a cup of hot chocolate or a soda---then forcing myself to begin. It can be tough, but sometimes I just have to say the heck with out it turns out and begin.

Another thing I can do is lay out the task, But before starting I do something like play the organ or dulcimers a little, then go to the task and begin. I will often find a place in the task where I can stop for a break---and play the organ or dulcimers some more, or get my hot chocolate or soda. It can be quite a ritual, but it often helps.

And yet something else I have done is to walk around in circles (literally) and then begin the task. After doing a bit on it, I get up again and walk a few circles. Or, I often pace around the house a bit.

The big challenge is the worry about the task not being perfect. I have gotten a lot of support from family on this. For example, I was taking classes recently to get my gifted intervention specialist license. There were numerous essays to write. I would feel like they were weakly written, but my wife would always reassure me that I would do a great job. After submitting an assignment, the professor would give me a high grade and say how well I had done. I guess what I am saying is, though there will probably always be a mistake here and there, many of us with AS often have a built-in component to do well---we just have to realize that we often strive for perfectionism and will automatically do our best whether we think we are or not. Not all my grades have been good---there have been plenty of not-so-great grades I have gotten from earlier schooling. But as long as we keep a level head, I think we usually meet our tasks well. Obviously your tasks are in an area you are interested in. I usually found my below-par assignments were in areas I wasn't that interested in. Have confidence in yourself.

This might have an aspect of feedback and multiple iteration, which I have been exploring the last year or so as another way---as a third path if you will---to my own perfectionism.

Consider the way medicine is practiced in the real world, hit a presumed infection with one broad-band antibiotic, and if that doesn't work, hit it with another. It's only a failure if the doctor prematurely gives up. And in some complex cases, it may take a number of exchanges between doctor and patient. (I have recently been reading EVERY PATIENT TELLS A STORY by Lisa Sanders.)

I wish that I could help, but I also have the same issue.

Hey M_p_furo, glider18, & AardvarkGoodSwimmer,

Thanks so much for responding! It makes me feel so much better, even just knowing someone can relate, or cares enough to respond!

I should probably also be less vague about it : - What it is, is that I am trying to get more into video editing, so, I took a job at a lower than usual rate, to edit a 5-minute video of an event to send out to press outlets about a client's performance. I took this job before anything was filmed.

The problem is, the videographers only got about 15 seconds of the actual performance! Fifteen seconds!! And an hour's worth of backstage nonsense and other people on stage (why??). I had expected to get at least 20 minutes of performance to pick and choose the highlights from. I don't see what they expect me to do with what they gave me. They said they'd try to get me more from other people, but no luck.

So you see why I have trouble starting.

M-P_furo I liked your suggestion of doing perfectly what I can do. I am not sure what that would be in this case, but I will try to at least look for some detail to focus on. Maybe just fixing the audio levels, since they are pretty noisy.

Glider I really like the idea of frequent breaks. I usually schedule those in, but as the deadline approached, I took them out and that is probably making me even more upset. I've been pacing, but not scheduled pacing, just frustration last-minute pacing so it just makes me feel more guilty instead if relieving my stress. Maybe I will make a list of fun breaks to take today and just casually slip in the work between them.

Aarvark, what do you mean by

?

I should probably Google it but I want to hear your take

I've been trying to coerce my boyfriend to sit next to me and just be another person to "agree" with my editing decisions but he refuses. He doesn't understand I don't need an expert, just another person to nod and say "good idea" to me lol... Gosh I am fairly odd!

Thank you anyway just for reading/posting!

chronological, a lot of facial expressions, something that makes sense in kind of a loose way (kind of like a preview to a movie)?

Like my writing, multiple quick passes.

Like my work on wikipedia, do my best work, hopefully someone else will run with it, usually not, then I can come back a week later and take a fresh look at it, take it from there. Wikipedia is not yet a success. The most promising articles might be the ones on current events, but even there, most participants seem to think the formality of the language is more important than the accuracy of the information, or the completeness of coverage on the topic (amazing!).

My dream job would be journalism. I run with a story. Someone else runs with it from a different angle. A couple of months down the road, we've done some really good coverage, not perfect, inherently not perfect, that's part of it. If we make an out-and-out mistake, we issue a correction and that becomes part of the feel-and-texture.

Tell them it can't possible be five minutes

(and you try for between one and five)

Thanks Aardvark. The footage is pretty bad, uninteresting, very few close-ups of anything or anyone, shaky camerawork too. I think I may have to just break down and tell the client they are not going to get 5 minutes out of this; more like half that. <- So hard to admit defeat! Even partial defeat!

I do like the idea of a preview, it is most definitely a pre-view, not a full-view hehe

I thinking that I just have to remember it is not my job to save what other people have messed up, and more than that, I have to let go of my obsession over for what could have been, because it just isn't. (Easier said than done! )

Re: feedback and multiple iteration: Gotcha! Yes I think it is related to perfectionism - not wanting to commit to any particular direction until some feedback has been received.

Side note: I have never been able to get an article approved on Wikipedia! And why is journalism just your dream job and not your job?

haha! I just said that Thank you it is good to hear it from someone else!

I was thinking about your dilemma and was wonder....get ready because this is probably a really odd idea....but is there anything within the backstage nonsense that might showcase your client's personality or positive traits....determination...etc? I was thinking that might give you a couple minutes to add to your video and perhaps make your client seem approachable to the public?

I don't know a single thing about video editing or what makes a video a "good" video, so if my idea is odd, just pretend you didn't read it. LOL!

Whatever you do, I wish you the best of luck!! !

I wish I was able to help but alas I have the same problem, it is getting in my way too, been trying to start a company for 3 years but sadly since it needs my own software I've been waaaay to a*al with it, writes and rewrites, oh well it has to be perfect!

Thank you dears, it has really helped me to read your responses. M_p_furo, I agree that would be a better idea, alas they do not want that angle sighhh lol but thank you. And kittyjess, gracias for the understanding, I hope you get that company started, it sounds like something very innovative if you are writing software!

I actually elected to take time away from the project, as I was too emotional/worn out; told the client to wait another day, and got to finishing all my other work (utilizing glider's great plan & break idea) which had also been put off while I was busy obsessing. So at least I got some positive feedback from my other clients to boost my self-esteem, and then tomorrow I can tackle just doing a shorter video, detail by detail, mais oui *crosses fingers*

BTW, I have to say, this is certainly not the first time I have had this sort of problem, but it is the very first time in my entire life that someone else has empathized with it the way you all have. Ya'll are better than prozac 'n group therapy!

That's great that you are able to utilize glider's idea and perhaps you can start refreshed tomorrow.

Let us know how everything went. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

Best wishes!!