Disclosure to Peers

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I used to stay safe as much as possible. If I felt uncomfortable working in a group, I would avoid it at all costs. I was not as self-confident when talking to other people. Ever since I've learned about my AS, I've taken risks by working in different groups on school projects and engaging myself in jobs that are social by nature. The problem is, though, that I'm always taken advantage of, and I don't know how to stop it. In group projects, I often end up having to do the most work. Because it's difficult for me to reciprocate, I often just end up giving the impression of not listening, and also because of my processing problems.

I know that this label is a crutch. But the further I take myself, the less stable the ground beneath me becomes. I thought that I understood my problems and therefore would be able to cope with them, and in the beginning, it was fine. But as I do more and more things at school, I realize that I cannot deal with the social requirements, and that my social problems go beyond having learned decent social skills.

Here's my question: If it becomes inevitable to disclose, how do I disclose to my peers that I have AS so that it doesn't sound like an excuse? I am in grade 12 at high school, and very confused about this whole business of disclosure. I know that some things, like sensory issues, I can do what's called "soft disclosure" (just explaining the problem to others without mentioning AS), but I don't see how I can do that with my social problems. I feel like I have to mention the name of the condition, because there's just so much to explain about why it's difficult to understand other people and reciprocate.

Let them "accidentally" discover it in some obvious way and then "force" you to explain to them about it?

If you have to explain to them in whole or in part in light of difficulties you are having with peers, I can't think of any way that it won't sound like an excuse. But does it really matter that much if it comes off a little bit like that?

The probem is, people are starting to take advantage of me. And I don't know how to prevent myself from doing so. I only find myself complying to whatever they tell me to do. I want to go out there and break out of my comfort zone, but no matter where I go, people take advantage of me. I usually realize when it becomes too late...
Maybe if I disclose, they could become more understanding. Maybe if I disclose, they won't think that I'm being annoying anymore, and would talk to me in a more clear and concise way so that any misunderstandings may be avoided. But again, they might not. That's the only problem...
I don't think they would "accidentally" discover it. I've recently found out that one teacher suspected it in me, but never told me about it. People don't usually tell you straight-up that they think that you have a disorder, unless they also have the same disorder or are close to someone who has it.

Think about this logically for a moment. We're talking about people who are willing to take advantage of you for their own benefit here. If they knew you were vulnerable, would they be less likely to take advantage of you? Or seeing that you were vulnerable, would they take more advantage of you to gain even more benefits for themselves?

The way to avoid being taken advantage of, in the long run, is to recognize the signs of its happening and learning to stop it.

This isn't to say you shouldn't do your share of the work - or even more than your share, since as an aspie you're more able to look at the work rationally and understand better what needs to be done. However, when there's something that could be delegated to someone else, you could figure out who can most conveniently handle that task and ask them to do it. Keep it a question, be nice about it, and be ready to back off or find someone else if they resist, but it's something worth practicing.

Hmm...I would pick the the thing that gives you the most problem and say 'My AS makes it hard for me to process things/ take in a lot of information at once/contribute much to a group.'
It's not really an excuse but an explanation. I bring up my AS so people can understand me more, like when they comment I don't speak much or join in on games.
You don't really know how people will take it. People have been both understanding and also treating me like I don't understand anything, so just watch out for that.

You have a great attitude of challenging yourself so it doesn't sound like your using your diagnosis as a crutch. I don't see why it would become one once people around you are aware of it.

When I was in university I told my biology group and professor about my troubles with group work and it worked out well for me. I had a problem with a lazy lab partner who didn't do anything. My prof encouraged me to talk to her to get her to do some work and when that didn't work he gave me permission to finish the project on my own and keep all the credit. It sucks to be her but she tried to coast through the class and take advantage of me.

I am a teacher now and this isn't a NT AS thing it also happens in all NT groups. Teachers don't like to see this type of group dynamic so if things absolutely don't change don't be afraid to request to be put into a better group or work alone.

I would encourage you if you choose to disclose to be as specific as possible about what you struggle with.

You could always do what I'd do:

tell the school/institution that you have AS, and you'd like to work by yourself when group activities are required

The way I see it, why force yourself to play by someone else's rules? Also, getting taken advantage of by the very people you want to work with doesn't sound like it's worth it to me, as those people aren't worth the trouble you go to to get there.

You could also talk one on one to your teacher and tell him or her about your AS and discuss group issues. I think most teachers are willing to work with you. You could even him/her know about the situations where the others are taking advantage of you.

Also, do they realize they're taking advantage?

I'm pretty sure they do realize, due to the way they treat me. I'm not too sure, but I know that when I was being treated like that in the past, it meant trouble.

I did not want to talk to the teacher about it, because he recommended me not to take the course in first place because there's a lot of group work, but I took the challenge anyway because the course in itself is very interesting. I told myself that I was going to take as many risks as possible this year to experience stuff I didn't get to experience in earlier years. I got myself into a very sticky situation. I think I'll discuss this with my teacher today. As a number of you have suggested, that's probably the best thing to do.

Oh. That does make it a little more difficult - that your teacher recommended that you not take it. Hm. Does he know you have AS? That might help him turn his mind in your favor.

When people start getting on my nerves I have always fallen back on using my ability to lose friends for my own good. They get the message when you stop talking to them or aren't available to do anything they want or, well, just tell them to get lost.

Good luck today. Let us know how it went. We're rooting for you

you can't control how someone receives information, i.e. what it 'sounds like' to them. Also you can't take back information once you disclose it so be very careful that you can trust the person. People seem really ignorant about autism so I don't even know if this is something I would share, I had to learn this the hard way.

I don't hide it, and people aren't especially surprised if I tell them.

It went great. I was being too paranoid as always, but I'm sure that the people on that group will not want to work with me again. Which is a shame, because if I disclosed, maybe they would be more understanding and realize that I wasn't acting that way on purpose. I do come across as a bit controlling sometimes, and ask too many questions, but the reason why I do that is because I need to know what's going on, to make sure that I'm not left out. I talked to my teacher and he said it's okay if something goes wrong on their part, and nothing went wrong except that the powerpoint was a bit screwed up. I did not mention AS because I think that my teacher already knows that I have it, because I asked him whether he thinks I have it or not a long time ago. I'm pretty sure he keeps it in mind because of, for one, how he told me that he thinks that it's better for me to not take this course due to the group work.