Was what I said rude?

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Sometimes I really hate having AS because apparently a lot of the time I sound rude and demanding when really, I'm just saying what needs to be said.

Let me explain a situation which happened tonight...
I was dishing up my dinner in the kitchen and our dog had a drink then drooled all over the kitchen floor when he was walking back through the kitchen and into the lounge. As I had no shoes on and my mum did, I asked if she could wipe up the drool. I told her that she missed a patch and she said..."Oh don't worry about it, he only drooled a little bit". (which he didn't, there was a LOT of drool).
I then said to my mum..."Obviously we have different definitions of the term 'a little bit'".
My step dad then yelled at me and told me to stop treating my mum like a slave. I said that I'm not and he said..."Well you sound like it. Stop being so demanding!".

I wasn't treating her like a slave, I was simply pointing out that our defitions of 'a little bit' must be different and when I asked her to wipe up the drool it was because I didn't want to have to walk through it to get a towel. It's not like I was being lazy.

Do you think that what I did was rude or do you think that my step dad was just being over-sensitive?

This family has so many arguements about me being rude, emotionally cold, selfish etc and I'm tired of it. I'm none of those things and just want people to get along with eachother. I don't want to cause conflict and sometimes think that it would be better for everyone if I didn't exist.

I don't see what you said was rude.

I fail to see how you were rude either I myself seem to have similar problems when talking to my family.

I don't think what you said was rude; sassy, but not rude.

I can see how it would have come across as rude. Perhaps next time you should draw attention to why you did not want do it yourself and then ask her if she could please do it for you.

And if she says no (which she did in this case, when she said 'it's only a little bit'), then let it drop. If you carry on, even to make a joke like you did, it can look like you're trying to guilt her into cleaning up.

Sorry if that sounds harsh- I can see where you're coming from too, but in this instance, it may have been wiser to just put up with the drool, or get your feet dirty (alternative would have been to find some shoes).

Thanks for the replies.

Lene, I think you might be right but why would people presume that I'm trying to guilt them into cleaning it up? Can't they just hear what I say and accept that I mean only what I say and nothing more? Not everyone has a hidden meaning behind their spoken words.

I will let it go next time though.

Logically, I agree that what you said was correct.
However, from a social point of view, you wanted your mum to do something, so to be clinical and logical about it, what is in it for her?

The answer is nothing, just work.
Therefore, what is required is what my friend describes as "honey rather than vinegar", i.e. something like "Please Mum, it's bothering me".

I still accidentally offend people after all these years in exactly the same way. I can often say something in a matter of fact way, not intending any offence and the person takes it as a personal attack or criticism.

So for example if a family member is painting a wall and they have missed a tiny bit... I point it out but they tend to give me verbal abuse back!

Seems to me like its your step father who has the problem. Step parents generally aren't nice people...

I think that our parents call us rude, because they like to see us squirm. Than we move out, and than they beg us to move back in, so that they can do that to us, and make us squirm, some more.

Last edited by CockneyRebel on 28 Mar 2010, 6:58 am, edited 1 time in total.

Ugh, I completely know what you mean. If only everybody thought like this; miscommunication really sucks. I don't think your comment was rude, it and certainly wasn't a demand. I understand what Lene meant when she suggested to let it go instead of carrying on, even though it was a seemingly harmless comment. The hard part is that I would probably have done the same thing--assuming it's a non-demanding statement. You could also tell the other person (in this case, your mom) that you didn't mean anything wrong; you just think it's a lot of drool rather than a little. Let her know that you are not correcting her.

Be glad this happened within your family instead of at your job or when dealing with people in public.

When dealing with people in public, you never see them again so it wouldn't matter.

I think that tends to be the philosophy of many people who work in call centres supposedly sorting out the public's problems. The attitude of F*'em tends to prevail

Well I have heard of the talk about how you never see them again so it wouldn't matter what they say to you or what they think of you. Now I hear the same thing about the internet. You don't know those people and you will never see them in real life so their thoughts don't matter and who cares what they say to you.

You were not rude but did you explain to your mother that you only asked her to wipe because you hadn't got any shoes on? If you did, then your mother and especially your step father shouldn't have a problem with you. Whether or not your definition of "a bit" was the same as your mother's wasn't the issue at all. You step father obviously mistaken your asking your mother to clean up the floor as you being lazy.

Personally speaking just because I'm never going to meet someone again on the telephone, internet or in person is no reason to be deliberately rude to them though. There are enough misunderstandings as Aspies as it is without deliberately alienating people or hurting their feelings though an off-handed lack of consideration.

I've also noticed that people sometimes pop up in the most unexpected places. The world is smaller than many people realise. The person you were rude to last year turns out to be the person interviewing you for a job today, or the friend of a friend or the teacher of one of your kids or someone on the internet who could have helped you with something. Deliberately burning bridges with people you don't know isn't good practice - people have long memories and tend to "tittle-tattle" behind your back and can give you a bad reputation which can hurt you in unexpected ways.

Edit: I'll just add that over the years I've overheard many conversations between strangers who live hundreds of miles apart and it turns out they have something in common such as a school, workplace, association or online community etc and they immediately talk about the shared thing... often as not they both know someone in common maybe the person was a colleague to one, a neighbour or someone they knew at school or their cousins fiancée etc. It is always the most "spicy" bits of gossip about the person that are exchanged such as any scandal, legal wrong doing, aggressive or anti-social behaviour, rudeness / offhandedness etc. Some people build up a huge reputation amongst what are effectively strangers; and sooner or later that reputation can bite back.