How to explain this

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I have a friend who insists I could live alone with my three children. He believes I can do it with no problems. No matter how I try to explain executive function, and how I struggle to do what I have to do, even with a husband taking care of the household things (finances, dealing with disputes, insurance, etc...).

It's not that I don't want to, or am looking for an excuse, but I have always been very much impaired in that area. If I were completely alone, I might be able to do it, because then mistakes due to forgetting, or getting overwhelmed could be overcome. But, I have three kids, two aspies, and one who is severely disabled.

How can I possibly explain without constantly being interrupted with, "you're just making excuses", or " you can do it, you just don't know it".

You can't necessarily explain it and it may be a waste of effort to try. Sometimes, no matter how convincing an argument you make, the other person is not going to agree with you. And in this particular case it doesn't matter if the other person doesn't agree. They have no power to affect the decision.

It sounds like he's just read a business book on positive thinking! and is attempting to apply it in clunky fashion. That is, he is engaging in the aspie communication style of all-sending, no-receiving.

We have to recognize that there are some things can't be explained to us and some people who can't explain things to us and that the other side is so.

Ultimately, while reaching understanding is wonderful where it is possible, self-preservation trumps persuasion.

If your marriage is not working, it certainly is possible over time to build an extended family of friends, family members, neighbors, fellow members in civic associations, helpers with housework, tutoring, child care, etc., perhaps co-workers, other parents in your child's classroom, etc.

the things I struggle with are perfectionism, over-planning, delayed and then excessive communication (I guess a lot of us struggle with these issues)


Here's wishing you all the best!

This is the crux of our problem with making Autism understandable to the general public. If you've never had a problem with a brain dysfunction, you can't imagine what it's like to have it, and very easy to be dismissive and intolerant. People like that make me want to bash them in the head with a ball-peen hammer and say "Now - see what it's like!?! Can you do anything anyone else can do NOW, you smug-@ss M*th*rF**ker?"

Then I have to take a deep breath and keep in mind that they are LIMITED BY THEIR LACK OF EXPERIENCE - in other words ignorant.

But I do despise blustering ignorance.


and WE have no empathy or Theory of Mind...

LOL! My personal choice is a baseball bat.

OT Willard, posts like these are why you're now on the "list":
http://www.wrongplanet.net/posts118492-start390.html

Seems like about 95% of the time I read a post and start pumping my fist in the air and going "YEAH!," it turns out the post was made by Willard.

I believe you *COULD* do it -- because you'd have to force yourself to do it. You'd have no choice to handle things yourself. It would just be very difficult, and certainly some things would slip through the cracks ... perhaps bills are paid late, kids miss appointments or soccer practice, the house is a mess, etc. Money would probably be tight, especially if he is not reliable with child support.

But would your kids live? Sure. I doubt you'd forget to feed or water them for 2 weeks. And they probably would have to learn to do some stuff for themselves that previously they didn't have to (take out trash, etc.).

Perhaps a friend who is skilled in these areas might be able to help you come up with systems to help you in this regard. Maybe one person could help you manage the finances, and another the kid's appointments. And you could probably find some help babysitting among family, co-workers, neighbors or friends so that you would not lose your sanity.

I guess what I'm trying to say is YOU CAN DO IT! Don't stay in a horrible or abusive marriage that has not improved despite your best efforts because you're afraid the house wouldn't be kept clean enough, or you might pay the trash bill late.

PM me if you'd like to chat more ...

To be serious, I will agree with this. veiledexpressions probably can manage to keep head above water, especially if there is any support at all from family. If there is not, then it would be a terrifying high-wire act to balance it all. Doing it for oneself is one thing, doing it with a houseful of kids another matter entirely.

The bottom line is, how bad do you want it and are you willing to bear the stress, because it's going to be very stressful. That's not to say there won't be welcome relief from certain other miseries, but it's a trade-off. On one hand there's freedom from the expectations of a partner who doesn't understand your handicap, on the other, your kids will still need and expect things. There's the glorious peace of having one's own space and some feeling of control over your world - then there's the anxiety, which increases with age, that somehow a mistake will get the rug jerked right out from under you and you'll suddenly find yourself homeless because you filled out a government form wrong.

Keep in mind the possibility that if your partner chooses to fight for custody of your children, you'll find yourself facing an attorney bent on painting you as too mentally ill to take care of your kids. But that could make you eligible for all kinds of public assistance.

I know there are residents of WP who think I'm a pessimistic wet-blanket, and sometimes I probably am, but I'm not a kid - I've been knocked down a few times and I just try to be realistic about what we can expect from the NT world. It wasn't built with us in mind, and often it's natives and their systems can be downright hostile to an Aspie. So a step like this needs to be weighed carefully. Only you, veiledexpressions, can know what your own capabilities and limitations are. I believe you can probably get out there and manage to survive - if it's what you genuinely want - but to be honest, some kind of support system would help a lot, if it's only a sympathetic friend you can call when you're feeling overwhelmed. Take your time and consider all the options. You'll find a path that will work for you.