Should we be nice after rejection?

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Since NTs only reject us because our neurology causes us to be too different for their ability to cope, then when one of them rejects us (stops returning calls or whatever) and then one day we bump into them, should we say hello nicely, understanding that it's not their fault?

In short, am I a b**** for giving them the bird when years after their rejection they say hello all nice as if nothing had happened?

If someone outright rejects you, then stay away for a while and let time do its work.

If someone has merely been avoiding you, then you should say "hello" when you run into each other, but leave it at that unless he/she invited conversation.

That's a thesis one could contest, but I don't want to digress.



No, I don't think so. If you have been wronged, you are justified in feeling anger toward the people in question, and expressing that anger.

On the other hand, I could also imagine one could take a more diplomatic approach in that situation, and do as you describe: "say hello nicely", maybe even smile. Why? Because it would indicate that the jerk who is now acting as though they did no wrong in the past, is not important enough for you to give a second thought. Saying hello with a smile is telling them, 'So, you were an ass to me a long time ago; see me not caring about it.'

I actually try to display this form of diplomacy even immediately after someone rejects me. It's like "Okay, so YOU don't want to talk to me? Fair enough. I'll just continue on like nothing happened and say good day and goodbye, because as of now, to me, you're just another piece of scenery, furniture, ambient noise. I acknowledge your existence, but you're not in my heart."

It depends on how I feel.
If I'm kind-handed, I'm nice to them.

Normally though, I prefer to just stare at them with unblinking eyes, with a minimum of verbiage [stilted and wooden, with long pregnant pauses] with a subtle snarl on my lips.

I dont actively engage them in abuse, as this can be against the law, if someone is recording or listening

However yesterday I gave a bully both barrels for a good 5minutes.

He is a skilled psychopath who sells religious books to pedestrians on the street. So his combative skills are very honed as he deals with the public every week and has done this 'selling religion' for at least 2 decades. Hes a skilled manipulative scum bag and I definitely told him so.

I never engaged him in conversation as he would easily win with me..... I just spoke a one sided barrage of insults on his person and religion, then sat down at a bus stop.... and stared at him and his book selling mates till they suffered under my intense hostile glare, and left

Though I occasionally find myself at odds with your philosophies, Surfman, this sounds like an epic piece of punishment you dealt out.

>claps<

'My' philosophies are not my own
They are mainstream philosophies
that have lost favour
in time
and spin
I consider myself a man of logic and science

I still don't get it... Maybe I'm wrong, but my rationale is: it takes a lot of emotional energy from me to hide the pain and smile when I bump into them. And I don't think they're fooled by my smile, as it's a known trick of rejectees. So why waste my energy? It's probably better to direct my anger at the relevant target than take it out later on myself or someone undeserving of it...?

If they deserve your rage
let them have it
If they dont
Or you have some responsibility
In the matter........................
Play it cool

Often their rejection
Belongs to their group
Of which
They are simply a drone
Or
A child

A child is like
A lost sheep
Without a shepherd
A fool
Who has lost their way

As such
They may just deserve sympathy
for their ignorance

Anger is 1 letter short of danger
Wisely directed anger can help another to see the light.................
Like a stern, talking to from your father

Once you fully understand that their rejection of you, was based on programming they received from society, family and friends..... its easy to forgive their ignorance of ASD's..... and their rejection of you

Its like being an atheist. Once upon a time, atheists were hated by the wider community, but the wider community was indoctrinated by state and church.

They were sheep who had had been corralled by the 'good shepherd' in a pen of state sanctioned discrimination

No It's kind of a "cheap trick" when people reject you then pretend like it didn't happen years later. They're just being nice cause it doesn't matter anymore either way.

I'm nice when people are mean because I don't know how to respond. I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that I am an older woman and I have had so many years of pressure to smile and make nice. My Mom was a poor role model in this respect.

Sometimes I am just not sure if the person is really being mean, and it takes a while to find out if it is intentional. As much as I was bullied in my teens, I at least knew where I stood. I find adult behavior more ambiguous. I am often ashamed to find out that I have been a target for someone in front of other people for some time before I could understand what was going on. I feel then like I should apologize for being so weak and offensive to others. Then I am mad at myself. I need to ask my psychologist how to handle this one. Thanks for starting this topic.

LM

If someone treats me like s**t it means they do no longer exist in my world and in the future i ignore them, look aside or right through them. Why should i react nicely? I don't play that kind of mendacious games.

Why should you be nice to someone that isnt to you in the first place?

I know this kind of feeling that I still would like to say hello, because that is a normal thing to do. And that it is a sign of respect, that everybody deserves.
No reason to not to say hello if somebody says it to you.

Stupid kind of thing, though. And giving the impression that they can do whatever they want with you...

You could be describing an exact man who I have met on a number of occasions. Are you from the UK by any chance? Does this man carry a megaphone and a clipboard? The guy I'm talking about is an awful bully, he has tried it on with me on a number of occasions. The last time I simply refused to talk to him and he followed me shouting things about me going to hell on his megaphone. I had to resort to threats of physical violence (and actually walking toward him as if to make good my threat) to make him stop (and I *never* threaten people with violence; I *abhor* violence).

I struggle to figure this out too. The reason being that I never know whether their rejection was a malicious, conscious thing or whether, in their mind, we "just drifted apart". For this reason my strategy is just to avoid those people but obviously that's not making any real attempt to cope with the situation - I am very good at burying my head in the sand (this one of the metaphors I use proudly and often having mastered, lol :p).

"Stay Away Closer"

Sometimes, it's a game -- a head game.

The Rejection: She tells him they're breaking up and that she never wants to see him again.

Payoff #1: She has already determined that if he stays away, he was never worth it in the first place -- she wins, he loses.

Payoff #2: She has also determined that if he begs and pleads, buys her gifts, and debases himself to him, then she has gained a play-toy who will spend money on her, and whom she can kick to the curb any time she wants to -- she wins, he loses.

Payoff #3: Finally, she has determined that if he still treats her in a civil manner, then she might later change her mind and let him back into her life until the next time she gets tired of him -- she wins, he loses.


So ... be nice after rejection? That's only one option out of many...

One of my housemates can be selfish and when challenged on her behaviour attacks the person rather than the criticism.
She denies that it's reasonable to challenge her. Then she says the person criticising has a psychological problem.
Anything but accept responsibility for her actions.

If I ignore her bad behaviour and carry on as if nothing happened then she carries on harming others with her behaviour.
If I challenge her then I get attacked and still see no change in her behaviour.

The important thing for me is to protect myself, not by forcing her to change, but by remembering that just 'cause she says it doesn't mean it's true. I am not defined by her words or her prejudice.
I defend myself by speaking up when I feel I have to, and avoiding her when I need to.

It still affects me but it affects her too. I recall her saying she was upset that people were not being as friendly to her as before. Somewhere inside she must be aware that this is a consequence of her behaviour.

Why she's so selfish...who knows? I am not responsible for her mistakes, only for my reaction. I want my reaction to be true to what I need, not an attempt to manipulate her.