Should I push my son at school or not?

Post Reply New Topic

My son is 7 years old and has AS. He is very bright academically in most respects, but struggles in some areas (eg writing). He is currently attending an 'autism specific' school because of his behavioural problems. The school does not focus on academics as much as I would like them to, so I try to supplement this at home by getting my son to read, write etc when I can.

My question for you young and old Aspies is this: Should I keep pushing my son where I can, and try to get him interested in school work (by focussing on strengths, obsessions, pointing out career interests/options when they arise etc), or should I let him be for the most part?

I worry that by pushing him, I am focussing too much attention on the academics, where he may not excel at school, even though he is very bright. I have read and seen that a lot of Aspies do not do well at school because of the way things are taught, other kids etc.......but then they succeed on their own when they get a chance later on in life.

I also worry that by not pushing him, I may be cutting off opportunities for him too early. If he doesn't learn to read and write etc well now, then the building blocks will be gone, and it may be too hard to get them back up later on.....

What are your thoughts? What were/are your experiences with your parents, and your school life?

Thanks

It's important for him to improve his writing. I was given extra help in that area. Has he been tested for a specific learning disorder?
School classrooms are a noisy environment, especially with a child with ASD because they cannot block the sounds out. Then they will only pay attention to what interests them over what doesn't.
Have you had his eyes checked? My processing abilities have become better after I started to wear glasses, and I only started at 22, so reading and comprehension was always a problem.
Do not push too much on the academics. Children with ASD's will do well if it interests them, but if your son isn't interested pushing is going to make him really hate them. Just make sure he gets his school work done, help him in areas he struggles and talk to his teachers about his progress.
Not everyone with Asperger's will become a genius. This is why I hate it when people say 'so and so inventor/scientist may have had Asperger's'.
So, push but not too much.

I agree with the pp- it is important to "push" him to work hard and try, but do not put so much importance on grades. I had the same issues but in reverse. I was super advanced in writing, english, and humanities for the most part, but had horrible problems in Algebra and similar subjects. I did OK in science because what I lacked in the lecture part (where you do calculations and theoretical work) I more than made up for in the lab (with hands on, concrete situations). My parents always pushed me to try my best but not to worry about the grade. They could see I was working hard on math, but I would still fail. They would always tell me that that just wasn't my "thing" and that was fine because I still worked hard

I didn't not learn well in school because of the way I process information, and really felt I had no reason going, as I didn't really have any friends there to see, and so, I stopped going.

I attended very little primary and middle school and practically no high school, BUT I was never behind academically.

My parents and grandparents were all very educated and there was always an abundance of learning material around, and I took the initiative to make use of it.

I loved going to the library and reading the non-finction how too and reference books, and the internet was a dream come true for me.

I dropped out of highschool (as I wasn't going to graduate anyway), started community college, which I found far more compatible with my style of learning, and got into a world class university, and I only was able to do this when everyone else laid off and stopped trying to teach me things I found irrelevant in ways I couldn't learn.

Rather than forcing to me try to memorize my times tables, they should have just given me a calculator and let me move on to the upper mathematics, as I had the interest in it and the ability to understand the concepts. I completed a degree in mathematics (among others) which I would have done much sooner if someone wasn't so concerned with whether or not I could complete a 100 problem times table test in under 5 minutes. I could not, never did, never cared to, can't to this day, and would much rather spend my time fiddling with the Riemann Zeta function or Maxwell's Equations.

It would have been far more productive and beneficial to me had more attention been spent on helping me with social skills. Specifically, how to interact with children my own age. And rather than bar me from extracurricular activities (they thought it should be a punishment for not going to school), they should have encouraged me to participate in extra curricular activities.

However, everyone is different.

The only thing I can say for certain is, never prevent your son from doing something he is good at and has a passion for. Encourage him to participate in activities. Let him show you how he learns best. Nurture his interests, and teach him social skills that are applicable to children his age.

I seem to recall from my childhood that adults have a horribly unrealistic view of how children make friends with other children.

I'd like to stress, I was not behind academically in anything but mathematics, and that was due to an apparently AS related processing issue.

I was tested yearly by the school to monitor my academic progression and was always in the top percentiles for my grade, and for others above it as well.

Should you have high expectations for your son? Obviously, yes. The only way you can be pushing too much is if schoolwork is affecting his ability to make relationships, such as making him stay home and read when he should go out with friends.

I have a high intelligence and I was allowed to coast - more or less do whatever I want. It wasn't a good thing.

I think that you should push your son to be the best, that he can be.

You should not push your child at school, or in any other environment. I am at a loss as to why you would even consider doing this. All manifestations of physical violence should be avoided--for the love of God, he is your child.

By "push" do you mean "challenge?" As a teacher and tutor, I am firmly in favor of challenging children; that is how they learn! Everything we do -- including walking and talking -- was once a challenge, but we faced up the challenges, and where physically and mentally able, conquered them. For most of us, walking is not something we have to think about, we just get up and move.

Encourage him to pursue his interests and share what he learned with you. Help him find books (think non-fiction) on his interests. Don't push him to do "typical" things (e.g. sports. sleepovers) if he does not like them. If he is still in elementary school, the social skills he's learning are going to be more useful than knowing his times tables. He'll be better able to function among his peers in a regular school and chances are he'll catch up soon enough, even if he is behind. (Kids from alternative schools without a huge focus on reading, writing, and math do this all the time.)

By all means challenge him and encourage him to work at the things he loves, but pushing for good grades isn't a great motivator. Praise him when he does well, and show him through actions and words that a poor performance isn't the end of the world. Above all, let him know that school is important, but he is more important. IMHO, that's the best way to "push" a kid!

Another thing to keep in mind is that you may need to make adjustments along the way. I had some SERIOUS learning problems when I was little. It didn’t matter how many times people did flash card with me. I couldn’t see any pictures in my head, so of course none of it stuck. My early learning problems basically set the pace for what my parents expected the rest of my educational life.

I was put into classes for learning disabilities in 2nd grade. By 6th grade I was only in one or two special classes and regular classes for other subjects. I really should have been in some advanced glasses too though. I coasted in the SLD (specific learning disability) and regular classes. Before high school it was suggested that I be taken out of the special classes. My parents let me make the decision. I chose the path of least resistance/change and stayed in the program for one subject through graduation. The only real benefit was allowing me to have unlimited time on the SAT.

My parents didn't push me at all. I graduated high school with a 3.5 GPA without really trying. Despite always making good grades, I thought I was dumb. Why else would I have had the problems I did when I was little and been in the SLD program for so many years I thought. I didn't consider college and nobody pushed me to go. I was planning on being a cook when I graduated. (I’ve since learned that being a high end cook/chef takes way more multi-tasking ability than I have.)

When I got my first computer at age 19 it turned into an obsession. That obsession turned into a career. Over the past several years I started to realize that I really wasn't dumb after all. It seemed like I had an easier time learning/fixing the software I work on than my coworkers. One of my coworkers likes to call me the "claim whisperer" (it's medical billing software). I was given an IQ test as part of my AS evaluation, and I did much better than I ever thought I would. Even with the learning disability I still score in the gifted range.

I was a bright kid but I had problems learning because I process information very differently. The only things that were given any attention were the difficulties. The teachers never even figured out the reason I had problem (non-verbal memory issues), and never looked for or tried to develop my strengths. I really wish I had been pushed harder. I wish I had continued my education past HS. I make good money now, but I'm afraid my resume doesn't reflect my skills and potential. Getting the job I have was basically accidental. I had given up on IT and was delivering pizzas when an ex-coworker referred me for this job. I'm coming up on 8 years here soon.

Please continue to evaluate your son's performance and lovingly push him to do his 100%. His potential isn't static. Please search for his gifts and make sure HE recognizes them too. I’m sorry for the long post, but this is just so important.

Josh