I was my fathers special interest

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I have a severely autistic brother and my father is very likely AS. My father is aged 82 and does not know about his or my AS. I am certainly not going to tell him at this late stage of his life.

I am writing to raise the suggestion that his “special interest” was me. The term special interest is means monitoring, and using me as a “go to topic” during social interaction.

Whenever he was with someone external to the family and I was there he would always make something about me as the topic. I feel this might have been his way of coping with social interaction. It would always be either critical or embarrassing. I could never work out where these left field thoughts would come from. He never had a good word for me ever.

An example is when he collapsed and I could not lift him off the floor. The paramedics managed to lift him and he said “My son couldn’t lift me. He’s not a strong man.” So collapsed and almost dead he still manages to do it. Note that the paramedics were the external people in this case.

So I not only had my AS to cope with but my father’s as well.

I've had much the same with my father. I don't believe him autistic in the slightest, but I've dealt with many a barb from him just the same. He's a good man, I believe. But there's a side of him that's also a weak and highly insecure man. Many, many times he has embarrassed me before others. I now realize it's because he was jealous and belittled by me. I'm no weakling. I'm strong as an ox and then some for my fairly regular size. I am far and away his biological superior and he knows it.

You know those stories you hear about people lifting cars off folks with one hand while dragging them out with the other? I am one of those. I just know it. I feel he knew it also and took any opportunity to drag me down he could. Regardless of whether it was subconcious or not.

Again, not a bad man. I love my father wholeheartedly. He's shown much affection for me in between. But many a wound I've suffered for his jealousy.

Maybe there is kind of an envy motivation too. But he didnt put me down so much when others were not around. It was this invariable way of using me as the crutch during his social interaction strangers.

Whatever the psychology, he rarely put me down except in company of others. But that seems to be the way of NT's as a whole from my experience. Denote jealousy and insecurity to the observed victim, but just a part of the pecking order to the rest.

Talking about my kids is the easiest way for me to manage interaction. Most people either want kids, have kids or like being around them. If nothing else, at least everyone has been a kid. So I talk about parenting and the kids and it seems to go very well. When you are a mother, people approach you in a completely different way. It's like you suddenly belong to a new group, and they all want to talk about kids. Since my kids are one of my special interests, it works out pretty well. I sometimes have to focus to be able to be interested in what they have to say about THEIR kids though. It helps that I now have a general interest in child psychology and development.

Maybe that's what your father noticed? It probably also made people look at you rather than him, so double win there!

I'm glad it worked out that way, with you.

flamingshorts, I am with LipstickKiller on this one.

Disclaimer: My father did not raise me + he has bipolar disorder (and quite possibly another mental disorder, too).

1. Whenever I do hang out with my dad, and we're with other people, he typically uses me as his topic.
2. My counselor told me that parents love to talk about their kids. LOVE IT. It's just a "thing" with parents.
3. Looking into LipstickKiller's comment, you should at least consider that aspect, that it is the easiest way to manage interaction. It may as well be what your dad noticed.

Saying that, I was adopted by my grandparents and I would absolutely not say that my grandpa acts the same way as my dad does. My grandpa helped raise me, and he taught me many things about life, and I'm sure he & my grandma are proud, but he also punished me fairly and was strict with his rules. Gramps talks about me only when it's relevant to the conversation or for my opportunity regarding school, job, internship, or what have you. I think my dad, on the other hand, acts more like a friend to me, and he uses me as a conversational topic no matter what relevancy I am.

Hopefully that gives you some insight.