Letting go - relationship ended due to denial of ASD

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DelRayGirl
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08 Dec 2019, 2:27 pm

The way I learned to self-identify my ASD (I can't afford the $6,500+ for testing, eval and official diagnosis by a psychologist) was through a relationship I had.

When we met online, my now ex told me her most recent ex had told her she has Asperger's. Her ex's delivery of that message was awful -- full of shame and blame. My ex said she wasn't really online to meet someone but to test out how other people responded to her -- i.e., she was "collecting data" to see if her ex's observation was correct.

I'm a licensed clinical social worker. So, I know how to diagnose. But, in the state we lived in then, it's legally not within my scope of practice to diagnose ASD. I'm not a psychologist or physician.

Soon, I met her son. There was no doubt in my mind he's on the spectrum. My ex was anxious about his lack of progress finding employment. I offered to help and, much to my surprise, my efforts initially resulted in significantly increased momentum until an ASD-related issue presented as an obstacle. I gently, cautiously asked my ex if I could say the "a" word. She replied, "Yes, you might as well." So, I did, I said, "I think your son's on the spectrum."

When my ex told her son I think he's on the spectrum, he slyly grinned at me and said, "There'll never be enough data." At first, I thought he meant he's an adult and won't agree to get tested. He reportedly already had been evaluated years ago and the conclusion was supposedly social anxiety. My ex also told me his friends growing up referred to him as the future Bill Gates. It was abundantly clear for a multitude of reasons that he's ASD.

As we continued to date, her son and I got along well. She and I did road trips to visit family and friends. Each time she introduce me to hers, within 1-3 hours of meeting them for the 1st time while being an overnight guest in their home, she'd tell them I thought her son was on the spectrum. Some dodged the ASD topic. Others waited for her to leave the room to tell me they'd always thought so. One added that her previous ex used to call him all of the time. One, during a visit when my ex wasn't there, initiated a conversation saying my ex's son had ruined every relationship she'd ever had and that her denial is impenetrable. Each time this happened, I told my ex about it as soon as we had the chance to connect and talk privately. When my ex's son's birthday came along, her ex from years ago texted her to ask how he was. Just like the family and friends before, she told her ex that I think he's on the spectrum. Her ex was w/ her when she was pregnant w/ him and had stayed home w/ her son to raise him from infancy to grade school. She's in a profession trained and experienced to identify ASD. Her ex's response was the same as everyone else's -- she'd always thought so. So, did her son's father, who was the only one besides her ex from years ago and me who talked about it in front of my ex.

Then, one Sunday, seemingly out of the blue, while she was profoundly fatigued, stressed and not feeling well and also withdrawn from me, my ex announced to me that she realized she's "in an emotionally abusive and financially exploitative relationship" w/ her son. I said nothing in reply, concerned for how she was feeling. She was then sick for most of the rest of that week. That's the week I learned the word "alexithymia." Then, that Thursday (4 days later), she submitted materials required by that day (i.e., the deadline) for a project we'd hoped to do together 8 months from then. But, she also had continued to be withdrawn or unavailable, maybe due to feeling sick -- still more profound fatigue and really bad GI symptoms that were bad enough to cause her to not go to work, which was highly unusual for her. Her lab results gave no explanation. Her job had become a lot more stressful and I was in the middle of a big move to a place we'd decided to share after she retires. So, since I didn't hear from her, which had been our routine, I called her that Friday evening on her way home from work. Most of the conversation was okay, with me asking her and listening to her tell me about her health, her week, her day at work. Then, as she got closer to home -- and closer to her son -- she suddenly switched the topic, saying since my ASD eval by an unqualified LMHC didn't show I meet diagnostic criteria and since both she and her son are neurotypical according to online screenings they'd done and their interpretation of the DSM-V, there was no point to our continuing to see the neurodiversity couples communications coach and, then, she ended the relationship with me.

Later, I learned via an email from her that the reason she'd ended our relationship was she's convinced she and her son are neurotypical and couldn't tolerate that I think all 3 of us are on the spectrum. There's no doubt her son is. But, as he'd said, "There'll never be enough data." I much later -- a couple of months later -- read a blog post by an ASD father concerned about his ASD daughter who was soon to turn 18 who was steadfastly in denial. He termed it anosognosia -- again, another totally new term I'd never heard of before.

My ex also said in her email that I'd violated her trust and boundaries by talking about her and her son behind her back. Her family and friends all know about her denial and history of behaving angrily in response to anyone who challenges it, including severing relationships. So, it's understandable why they talked to me after she left the room and subsequent to having met them -- because she'd told them that I agreed with them. I never initiated those conversations about her or her son. The only time I initiated a conversation about ASD in her and/or her son was when I told her what I thought about her son, when she talked to me about obstacles and difficulties her son was experiencing that were clearly due to his ASD (which happened a lot) and when she and I completed online screenings (the Autism Spectrum Quotient and the Ritvo Asperger's Autism Screening Questionnaire). Now, she's convinced that I've behaved in an untrustworthy way and, therefore, there's no chance for reconciliation.

I really miss my little ASD family -- the 3 of us together. Even if she and her son choose to remain in denial, understanding ASD has helped me greatly to better understand myself, her and, especially, her son.

Until she shared what I thought about her son w/ her family and friends and her son's father, her son and I had a great relationship. When I later "came out" to the two of them re: my ASD traits, her son clearly felt uncomfortable and retreated to his room. I responded to that by dropping the topic as much as possible. But, his ASD traits and behaviors were negatively impacting his job search and his relationships with others -- especially, his cousin and the cousin's girlfriend their friends, who'd confronted him saying they'd no longer tolerate him treating them the ways he'd been behaving. They don't have the skills a UCLA PEERS trained coach or similarly trained professional would have. I felt concerned for her son because I know via what she'd told me how he seemed to feel increasingly isolated and lonely. I wanted to help. But, since identifying the problem wasn't allowed, I couldn't help. Instead, I got kicked out of their lives.

Now, I'm trying to heal from that experience, adjust to my new insights about my own ASD and do what ASD in women and girls expert Sarah Hendrickx recommends -- find my own ASD tribe. And, to be honest, I'm struggling to let go and to accept my ex's denial. It feels so unfair to me that my ex is blaming me for having betrayed her trust and violated her boundaries when she's the one who created this situation, starting long before she ever met me. It's not my fault she and her son are on the spectrum and are adamantly in denial about it. And, actually, I'm not 100% sure her son's in denial. But, she definitely is. And, it's not my fault that her family and friends felt more comfortable talking to me than to her. Had she not been so angry with her nephew and his girlfriend and their friends for having distanced themselves from her son after they moved out, due to her son's ASD behavior, they might have felt comfortable telling her what they told me. Chances are, the rest of her family knows about that situation. But, instead, just like her ex before me and the one before that, I got kicked out of her life and her son's life.

I'm really struggling with how unfair this was. It's as if our 2 year relationship was, for her, just a data collecting project and, when she got data she didn't like, she sort of began to acknowledge it and, then, abruptly, felt so overwhelmed, sick (due to alexithymia) and so she shut down and killed the messenger -- i.e, ended our relationship.

I suspect this script has played out many times before in her life. Her family and friends, although more very boundaried now to protect their relationship w/ her, have all stayed connected w/ me. Immediately after we broke up, all of them, except for one family member who does denial even better than she does, were very supportive of me. They've clearly chosen sides -- i.e., my side. But, I don't think that's going to do any good whatsoever. As long as anger and threat to sever the relationship works and they continue to enable her and her son re: their ASD and their denial of it, nothing's going to change. Life needs to get lonely and difficult enough for one or both of them in order for either of them to become motivated to acknowledge their ASD so that, at least, her son could do a PEERS training or something equivalent to improve his skills so he could make/keep friends, find/keep employment and do dating successfully.

Those younger family members and friends who are local don't have the education, training, objectivity or sophistication to successfully do that for him. It's been painful for me, with the insight I have, to have watched him get thrown into a complex group of late teens-mid-20s neurotypicals -- with very complex social and sexual politics -- without having the skills to even begin to know how to navigate in that group of people. Of course, they ended up confronting him and then distancing from him, which made him retreat to his bedroom in the home his mother provides for him while they're launched, living independently, while he's almost twice their age and still living with and off his mother.

My ex made it clear via her email -- our relationship is permanently over. She doesn't welcome any communication between us. But, she's not yet changed her Facebook relationship status and all of her family and friends, except for her son who never accepted my Facebook friend request, and that one family member who does denial even better than she does, are still Facebook friends w/ me.

I don't know what to make of her long-time friend who, on her own initiative, told me my ex's son has ruined every relationship she's ever had and that her denial's impenetrable. She's been very supportive since my ex and I broke up but, looking back, she also contributed significantly to our breaking up. Ditto w/ my ex's family member who told me when she left the room that he and his family always have viewed her son as being on the spectrum and, oh, by the way, her previous ex used to call him all the time. She's not kicked her friend or that family member to the curb like she did me. She views me as having betrayed her when, in fact, I was more honest and loyal to her than those other folks. I did call her family member to tell him that triangulating w/ me had caused problems between us. His response was he didn't remember having said those things after she'd left the room -- i.e., he didn't accept responsibility for his behavior.

The whole situation just seems to unbelievably unfair to me. I'm really struggling to accept that.

Does anyone have any advice, similar life experiences to share or words of empathy and comfort to share?

Thank you for reading this tome. And, thank you even more for allowing me to become a member of this group! :heart:



Last edited by DelRayGirl on 08 Dec 2019, 5:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

TheRobotLives
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08 Dec 2019, 4:15 pm

Welcome!

Seems like you're trying to help them, and they're shutting you out.

That's probably a normal response.

Judging by your occupation, you like to help others, so this really bothers you.

Still, what can you do, as you say, "they have to hit bottom".


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The_Walrus
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08 Dec 2019, 4:20 pm

I lost track a little bit near the end when all the other characters cane in (siblings and ex’s exs and such).

First - you did a good thing helping your ex’s son with his job search. You should be proud of yourself.

Second - it seems to me that for whatever reason your post doesn’t tell the whole story. I think that’s because you don’t know it. I don’t really understand your ex’s behaviour. I don’t think she’s behaving reasonably and I don’t understand why she broke up with you. As you say, it seems unfair.

Third - it definitely seems like the son is autistic and you are too. Professional diagnosis isn’t always worthwhile. Welcome to the grey team!



DelRayGirl
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23 Apr 2020, 7:41 pm

Thank you for the welcome. Update: It's been 6 months. I've called a couple of times, texted a few and emailed twice -- no response. Based on my ex's last email, the way I understand it is she feels I betrayed her trust and violated her boundaries. I'd also guess she feels I attacked her son by having turned to his father with my concerns for their son's happiness and well-being. That was a mistake. I have no clue what her son's father said/did but I should have minded my own business. It doesn't matter that my intentions were good. It doesn't matter how I feel or what I think. Was it possible for me to have somehow navigated that situation better? The only way would have been to never have said anything to her about the "a" word. For awhile, autism became my special interest. I still notice that I'm attracted to other people on the spectrum and, fortunately, I've met a couple I connect with well, although there's no potential for a romantic relationship w/ one. I do miss the intimacy which was different than any other relationship I've ever experienced. I think my ex is justifying her decision thinking she's protecting her son and, perhaps, herself. There's been no change whatsoever among her family and friends. I guess they still think I didn't do anything so terribly wrong as to merit banishing me from their worlds. I'm taking life one day at a time but finding it difficult to let go and be emotionally available for someone else. Knowing me, that'll take more time. If only I were more superficial, maybe I could do so faster. But, alas, I'm not and I can't. Patience is a virtue.



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24 Apr 2020, 7:59 pm

You can help people with ASD-related problems by focusing on the symptom itself instead of pressing the idea that those people are autistic.