Something horrible has happened. Now what?

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How many times has this happened to you:

Something really horrible happens in your life, but you don't know if you're supposed to call around and tell people about it, so you stress and worry and don't know what to do, so you decide it's easier not to bother with it, and people only find out months later that your girlfriend is dead by suicide, and by then you're in the psych unit wondering how well it worked out for her, and they chastise you for not telling them, but you're sure if you call around and tell them they'll see it as a ploy for sympathy or you just being dramatic, making sure everybody knows about my suffering, which is actually likely in my train-wreck of a family.

And do people call up their employers or go see the boss to tell them this just happened, knowing full well you don't have an answer to their next question, "how can we help you?" Or the question after that "what do you need from us?" I carried on teaching for 4 months trying to keep it together with denial, not telling my boss (or obviously my students, with whom I spent more time than anyone else in my life besides her). I didn't tell that employer until a year later, after they'd decided not to renew my contract after the second hospitalization in the same semester, but I really wanted the job back for the next academic year. (Didn't get it. Probably for the best though. My functioning was awful that next year.)

I saw that boss in the waiting room for my orthopedist appointment on Tuesday. Yeah, I avoided eye contact.

Seriously, how is that supposed to work? It's happened twice now in the past 3 years. My family still doesn't know about a serious accident I was in on the 7th. (Same communication log jam, though a much lower magnitude I think.) Am I supposed to call them up one at a time just to tell them? Or maybe pretend to be calling just to say hey, and then drop in an "oh, by the way, I nearly died the other day but escaped with a mild brain injury and some torn ligaments, and now I've hired a lawyer, and the headaches are getting worse, etc." In the end I wind up avoiding contact with them because I'd rather not deal with the stress of why I haven't called them and told them yet.

Obviously I think too much. We all do, right? But awful stuff happens sometimes, and I find myself stuck again without a plan.

What do people do? How do people they know find out about stuff like this?

Deciding whether to post this here was pretty much the same kind of problem. Do I just say it? Won't people be kinda shocked if I say that here? But I wanna know what y'all think, and I'm a little more ok with taking social risks here.

The way I deal with crises is to confer with someone I trust on how to handle it. I run my strategy (or lack thereof) by my husband, and he often has great input that makes my response much more successful than it would otherwise have been. Before going to all and sundry or to your employer, in my opinion it's best to go to the one person you can best trust, who knows you and cares about you, and get the benefit of two heads being much better than one. If you don't have such a person, then it might be worth starting to cultivate one.

I'm not shocked by what you've said, but I do realize your girlfriend was at the root of the crisis and so could not be the person you turned to for help at that time. Given that, I'd say limit the number of people you tell to the minimum, and focus on finding someone who can directly help you with it, ie, don't tell them if you don't think in some way they can help it, because telling often just makes it worse.

I talk to someone I trust, when something like that happens to me.

Okay, so your family is not particularly good (and that's probably putting it mildly, right?) My family is not particular good either.

And I am not a big fan of psychologists or mental health professionals. The big thing in this area being this disengaged idiot who didn't take my father's violence seriously when I was 17. But a psychologist might be better than not telling anyone. And try and take it in medium steps. If a lot pours out all at once, that's fine, just give yourself permission to see the person again in two weeks or one week, whichever feels more right to you.

You are burdening yourself with this way to much. Even if you did tell someone you cannot guarantee it would not have happened anyway. You are not responsible for another adult's life.

It is not your fault. Because you are decent, you have immense guilt.
You didn't tell your parents about the accident so they wouldn't worry about you.

Stop beating yourself up. You are a nice, decent person.

For me, it's very similar to the problem I have asking people for help. I don't feel comfortable letting them know I have a problem, because I'm afraid I'll be perceived as being weak or a burden to others. I kind of feel that way already, so why open my mouth and remove all doubt.

So yeah, sometimes I don't know how to go about telling anybody when things go south because they'll either look down on me for not being able to handle it myself or angry and annoyed with me for imposing on them with something that's not their problem. Sometimes even when I do actually speak to someone close to me, I can talk about all sorts of pointless crap, but can't bring myself to spill what's really bothering me. Then the moment passes and I feel even worse because I didn't tell them when I had the chance, and it just gets harder after that.

Then they eventually figure out something's wrong and start grilling me and I shut down entirely under interrogation. Have you ever found yourself incapable of speaking to answer a question because the question has not yet been worded the right way? I can't explain that, it's a brain thing, but I get more verbal pummeling for that... It's always something, if it's not one thing it's another...

Losing someone you care about to suicide is a huge deal, and very sad.

Maybe one thing to sometimes consider, probably not likely to help all that much, but to sometimes consider is that whatever burdens she was carrying, and whatever personal demons she was wrestling with, your girlfriend just in getting up, getting dressed and getting out of the house, each and every day she was able to do so, your girlfriend probably showed more courage on each of these days than most people show in an entire year.

This describes my way of dealing (or not dealing) with situations as well.

There have been several deaths and illnesses in my family. Each time, my mother somehow manages to signal everyone that needs to know. I don't even know the names of most of my surviving family members. I would probably just thell my aunt and uncle, and have them spread the word to the rest of the families.

I have two ways of thinking about this sort of thing. First, like Willard, I don't like asking for help. It's that A*** family pride thing -- we will all typically avoid asking for help if at all possible because it feels like admitting weakness. Second, when handling crises, I'm typically bad about not telling others until after the whole thing is over and done with, but more because I'm handling things and don't want to be bothered by others' helpful input, or to be a bother to other people, either.

That said, I really sympathize with your situation. I was in a situation very like yours -- my husband of 12 years committed suicide about ten years ago (we were separated because of his mental health issues at the time) -- and it was a truly awful period. I was living with family at the time and couldn't avoid having others know about it, but they were a big help, too. I know it's hard and you don't like to feel like a complainer -- I'm really with you, there -- but this is what having family is all about, having help when you really need it. It's one of the rules I grew up with -- family does for family.

Also, when there is something going on in your private life that you know will affect the quality of your work, you really need to tell your supervisor. It can save a lot of heartache and trouble down the line. Most people don't know immediately after a crisis what they need. If asked, you can just tell them that if you think of anything you'll let them know. Mostly they just need to know that you may need some compassion and time to sort out your situation.

Thank you, everybody. Especially this:

Thank you, Noncon4mist. It's true; their (potential) feelings have been a big part of this issue. When my girlfriend died, I didn't really want them to freak out and get scared, and that was part of why I said nothing. (Unfortunately, I had seriously overestimated their interest in me.)

I read all your responses before seeing my therapist today, and I asked her this very question.

I don't think I want my family to know so they'll help me with anything. It's more like I want them to care that I just went through something, and I can't make that happen simply by telling them. (I wanted them to cheer for me when I got my PhD. Didn't happen. I wanted them to feel some of my pain when my girlfriend died. Didn't happen. I think that's what I'm still after.) I think I need once again to let go of trying to squeeze blood from a turnip, mourn in my own way, and add a little extra mourning for the family I wish I had.

I think my take-home message here is that my family has not shown much interest in my struggles (or much interest in me between my struggles), and they tend to be dismissive and invalidating when I do share them. So why should I go around calling them all when something happens, particularly something that will hurt a lot when they eventually do dismiss it? I'll just update them next time I talk with them, and not expect some huge response in return.

Thanks again for your help. I feel less alone after reading your care-filled responses!

I am so sorry for the loss you have suffered, that is really a hard thing to go through. I'm glad you are getting support here.

I think the things you reveal about your family show that you may not have the kind of supportive relationship where you feel that they are people you need to turn to in times of crisis. That is fine, you have to follow your gut on that one. My family can kind of take my happenings and put them into a drama and gossip mill but at the same time not really legitimately be concerned for me, and I really feel violated when that happens,which just adds to the pain of the situation. So I really don't share with them in that way.