Ever had a group of friends? If so, how did they treat you?

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dustintorch
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26 Apr 2010, 12:52 am

When I was younger I usually only had one, maybe two friends at a time. When I got older, I finally found an actual group, or clique of friends. We were all ballet dancers with a common interest so that helped tremendously. Plus it's not uncommon for an artist to be obsessed with their art, so I was accepted.

The dynamic was kind of like this. I loved these people, but I always felt like they were just tolerating me. Even though they told me otherwise, I always felt like I was annoying them. They told me almost on a daily basis that I was "being awkard". They would constantly ask me why I was so awkward. I didn't understand why, so I would usually just argue and say I wasn't. This was before my diagnosis. I was constantly being told I was too loud. I would argue about this too. I fell in love, or at least thought I was in love. Looking back on it, it was more of an obsession with another dancer. This wasn't returned. All I got in return was a lot of being lead on and one night of brief fooling around. Otherwise, my feelings weren't reciprocated at all.

On the positive side, they did seem to like me sometimes. Aside from all the times I made them put their hands on their faces in embarassment or frusteration, I could make them laugh. I think that's why they put up with me. We had a lot of fights where I felt ganged up on. They never abandoned me though. I think because they saw me working really hard to stay their friend. We had parties that I felt comfortable at. I usually wouldn't go unless there was alchohol though. So how about everyone else?



scorpileo
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26 Apr 2010, 1:53 am

when i was yougner i was a tag along in one.. now i do have one and we're al aspies.. so thats better


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pyzzazzyZyzzyva
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26 Apr 2010, 3:08 am

If you were male, and they were all female, and you all were ballet dancing, then it would make sense that they would think that you were 'awkward,' even before you add the Aspieness.

In a group setting of friends, I found that unless it is an autistic group, I feel consciously shunted, and have to tag along to be a part of the group to be noticed.



sarek
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26 Apr 2010, 7:02 am

I normally have mostly one on one friendships and exclusively with neuro diverse people. Never NT's
However, in third grade I had a good friend in my class but there were two others in my group who tagged along. I disliked that a lot because whenever a joke was made at someone's expense I was the one footing the bill.

Thankfully the next year we could ditch the other two!


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MONKEY
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26 Apr 2010, 7:21 am

I have entered and left various friendship groups throughout school. I was usually what you would describe as a tagalong and I'd be good friends with about one of them who would be the one that let me into the group.
My current group has 4 of us and only 1 is an NT lol, I am well within that group and not on the outskirts, I think I'm 3rd on the pecking order in that group. I feel a lot more welcome and comfortable with that group than I have been in any others. In the other groups it wouldn't matter whether I stayed or left and I would usually be the one just standing in the background listening to people and looking intelligient or give my opinions here and there.


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CockneyRebel
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26 Apr 2010, 7:29 am

When I was in my early 20s, I had a group of friends at the factory that I worked with. They treated me like garbage, because they knew that I was innocent, and very Mick Avory-like. They kept asking me, if I drink, do drugs and have sex, because of that. I've stopped hanging out with those whores, eventually.

I have a nice little group of friends, now. We're all mature adults, who don't joke around such things, that my first group of friends did. We respect one another, and we don't ask each other personal questions, like the questions asked in the above paragraph. I enjoy being with them.


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AppleCat
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26 Apr 2010, 8:08 am

I was part of a group of "friends" a while ago. Whenever I spoke in a group discussion, they would tell me to shut up. They also used to ask me personal questions and laugh when I tried to explain myself. I have nothing to do with them now.

The funny thing is, I think they all fell out in the end. :lol:


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ToughDiamond
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26 Apr 2010, 8:14 am

There's been a few:

I more or less tagged along with the local (relatively law-abiding) gang of street kids when I was about 9. I annoyed them a lot because I didn't do their unwritten rules. One of them got me donw on the ground and was going to thump me, so I bit him....they wouldn't talk to me for a day or two after that, but it got me out of the punching. :) They were quite nasty to each other too at times. I was also daft and arrogant enough to compete with the biggest guy...couldn't ever win of course, but I just wouldn't embrace his position as top dog. I hung about with him a lot though, because he knew a lot and I kind of dug him. I'd pester him and really wear out my welcome.

I tended to hang about in pairs after that, until one guy I'd been spending most of my social time with introduced me to his group of chums. Luckily they were really friendly guys and I really enjoyed their company....we were all into similar music, clothes, and philosophies, and there wasn't much competitiveness around. I annoyed them sometimes. I'd always drag the conversation back to something that had been said several minutes ago. But they always took it in good heart and I never felt excluded. 3 of us formed a band and we had a lot of fun over the next few years with that......I was actually quite a dominant force there, and was obsessed with our music. It was easier than "pure" socialising because we had a very specific task that we all loved to do.

After that I joined another band who tolerated me very well, and I went to live in their part of the city which was full of unusual, friendly people......there was no distinct group apart from the band, but there were some nice, peaceful community get-togethers and I felt included in most of those. I even enjoyed a big party in the shared house I lived in, though I spent most of it talking with a drummer and his friend about recording some backings for a local conedian's act.

I haven't really hung about with groups of people much since those days. During my marriages it's been more like socialising as a couple with another couple or two. I didn't usually do as well in that mode, though some of the couples were OK. And I've always been one for the "quality-time-with-spouse" thing, so during marriages and serious relationships I've tended to hide away with my lady.

I was in a worker co-op in which I felt fairly well included - we lived together so we were mostly quite close, and we shared a lot of alternativist core values.

After that I became quite reclusive for a few years, but about 3 years ago I started to perform my music as a solo artist, and joined a group who put on music shows. That's turned out quite well and I feel a lot safer with the others than I used to when I first joined. As most of them are musicians, I started jamming with various people there and performing with them at a number of other venues, and now there's more opportunities to combine forces than I know what to do with.

I guess I've been very lucky, the music thing has always given me something to focus on so I don't get engulfed in pure socialising. And musicians seem generally pretty tolerant and understanding - there are a few nasty ones but mostly I can relax with them as long as I don't try to run too fast. That common purpose of doing a song we all like is worth a lot, it's a powerful trust game that me through a lot of doors and coaxes me to open my door to others.



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26 Apr 2010, 8:17 am

Over the years I've hung out with a few groups of friends, not really been part of them (although I was clueless enough to think I was, at the time.... although I must have known there was something different about the way other people were part of the group).

When I drift away from a group, no one really notices. The only reason I know it happens (noticing when someone's gone) is that I see it happen to other people, someone will go check on them or whatever. Not me.

As I said, I was really clueless, & it wasn't until just recently, looking around on the internet, that I realize all the others were getting together all the time, and I just came along when I heard about it.

What's ironic is that one group was associated with my main special interest, & celebrates eccentricity & weirdness but for some reason I never could really break in. Having a popular brother (younger though, so it didn't help in school, only later) and a series of (abusive but popular) boyfriends was the main reason I knew anyone socially.



Irulan
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26 Apr 2010, 8:38 am

Not friends as such (in my native tongue I'd have described them just as colleagues because here the word friend stands for someone you are really very close with while English keeps this term for someone who is just more than an ordinary acquintance but your being very close with this person isn't a necessary requirement to call them a friend) - just people I hang out with when being at school. But they all always prefered to be with each other than with me even if they were nice to me. I just never was part of any group - among other things, it's mostly this famous "lack of social and emotional reciprocity" of mine that prevents them from recognizing me as one of them.



musicislife
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26 Apr 2010, 10:19 am

I've had several different groups of friends in the past; I am still friends with a few people out of those groups today.

The group I'm in now, though, is awesome. I was just accepted into the group without a problem. Quirks don't matter, seeing as all of my college friends have their own quirks, whether it's my twitchy-ness about big crowds, or one of the other girl's inability to stay on a single topic for more than 5 minutes solid. :lol: Nobody pays attention to wierdness with my friends; our 2 mottos are "If you don't like how we act, just leave," and "Pretty girls turn heads, us girls break necks."


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Agnieszka
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26 Apr 2010, 10:53 am

I used to have little groups of friends who treated me good but since I stay at home with my daughter, I don't have many friends. We all now have our lives.


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dustintorch
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26 Apr 2010, 5:48 pm

pyzzazzyZyzzyva wrote:
If you were male, and they were all female, and you all were ballet dancing, then it would make sense that they would think that you were 'awkward,' even before you add the Aspieness.

In a group setting of friends, I found that unless it is an autistic group, I feel consciously shunted, and have to tag along to be a part of the group to be noticed.


How is that awkward? There are lots of guys in the professional ballet world. Which is what we were, professionals. I'm not like some guy going to ballet classes somewhere in the middle of nowhere. I was a professional ballet dancer with Orlando Ballet at the time and I'm about to start with one of the best ballet companies in the countries. Ballet is not awkward. In fact it's helped me tremendously in my life.



Dots
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26 Apr 2010, 6:06 pm

I was often a tagalong and was pretty lost in groups but the one or two people I really got along with I was fine with when it was just us. The people I'm most comfortable with all have their own quirks too.


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ursaminor
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26 Apr 2010, 6:23 pm

dustintorch wrote:
How is that awkward? There are lots of guys in the professional ballet world. Which is what we were, professionals. I'm not like some guy going to ballet classes somewhere in the middle of nowhere. I was a professional ballet dancer with Orlando Ballet at the time and I'm about to start with one of the best ballet companies in the countries. Ballet is not awkward. In fact it's helped me tremendously in my life.
Being 1 different person in a way that is clearly noticeable for others can be awkward.
Not necessarily.
But it can happen.

I mostly hung out in pairs.
On primary school with one friend who was definitely autistic.
One guy at high school who was of course autistic (I go to a school for autistics) and he was a cool guy.
Called me a whore a lot, but I did not mind it much.
Over time the roles got more balanced.
Although he is still very tall and that is kind of symbolizing of the relationship.
But I am going to hang out with him again.