Does anyone else get rude/mean when scared or nervous?

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This has always been a huge problem for me. I'm a very shy person, and so being around new people or people I worry about impressing makes me incredibly scared, and I've been told (and also begun to notice, once it was pointed out to me) that the more scared I get, the more mean and angry I sound. My speech becomes almost completely (if not entirely) monotonous, and I get really "short" with people. I'll get snappy. The combination of the two make me come off as mean.

One of my ex-boyfriends was the first person to tell me about this. He noticed it the first time I met his friends. They all came over to his house (I was living with him at the time) out of the blue one night, and there were maybe four of them. I'd never met any of them before, and they certainly weren't the kind of people I normally socialize with (no offense to them, what I mean by this is that they're all completely normal).
I'll describe the process of what happened to my communication:

- My voice dropped an octave or two, and became completely monotone.
- I lost my ability to contribute anything original to the conversation; I could only speak when spoken to.
- Every reply I gave was short, quick, and very blunt to the level of rudeness.
- My attempts to reply with sarcasm or humor instead came off as ridiculous and mean, as I lost the ability to change my voice or my facial expression.

Once his friends left, my ex asked me why I was so mean, and I was very confused. I hadn't thought I'd been mean; I could tell I was being incredibly awkward, but I hadn't realized I'd come off as mean. Apparently I became not only mean to the strangers, but mean to whoever I was with as well (in this case, I was mean to my ex as well as his friends). He tried to help me to fix this, mostly by making me more comfortable with strangers. I've come unbelievably far since then, and I can function relatively well with NTs. I've learned that when I freeze up and get nervous that I should imitate the vocalizations and facial expressions of whoever I'm talking to, so I can maintain a normal and hopefully-not-mean conversation.

However, this is only really sustainable if the person I'm talking to is very charismatic, and uses an overly varied set of facial expressions and tones that I can imitate. If the person I'm talking to is tired, angry, or for whatever reason doesn't sound like a perky barrel of laughs, I can't find anything to latch on to, and I fall flat again.

For example, last night my boyfriend and I went to dinner with his father (John, I know you have an account here, so eh...oh well, if you read this, now you know why I was such a jerk last night).
Usually when we do something/go somewhere with my boyfriend's father, his girlfriend is there too, and she's very charismatic and talkative, and gives me something to imitate. (On an unrelated note, I realize she probably thinks I'm a completely different person than I am, because I imitate her whenever we talk.)
I didn't even think about it until afterward (I so rarely find myself in situations like the one detailed above that I sometimes even forget I have this problem) but once we were in the car, my boyfriend asked me what was wrong, and if I was in a bad mood. I said no, and I was tired, but I wasn't upset or anything, and asked why. He explained that I'd been really snappy with both him and his father, and he knew I probably wasn't doing it on purpose, but he had been wondering if there was a reason I was acting sort of mean. Well crap, now I've gone and done it again and made someone who doesn't know me all that well think I'm a temperamental a-hole.

Unfortunately, for whatever reason, when I'm scared it's not apparent that I'm scared, and I just get more and more mean. The example my boyfriend used was when his father proposed I take a train alone to Pennsylvania to meet up with the two of them for INSAR on Saturday because I can't go on Thursday or Friday. I didn't really notice it, because I was too absorbed in panicking about the idea of having to travel alone (I've never really grown out of this anxiety...), but apparently I suddenly got really defensive and mean. Because imagining the whole solo-travel process was frightening, I became even more scared than I already was, and thus even more mean. Bleh.



So, super long post, sorry, but does anyone else experience this sort of thing? And does anyone know how to deal with it?

I get messed up when I get nervous too. I get this eye blinking tic and I start to look "creepy".

Well, I once heard from some neurologists that the part of the brain that's responsible for fear is also responsible for anger, so it wouldn't surprise me if you weren't at your cordial best when under stress. It's hard enough to stay afloat socially even when things are good.....there are so many unwritten rules....so how can anybody possibly be expected to keep doing the "right" thing when they're in pain or preoccupied with other matters?

But there are people who don't expect any acting skills from others. If you frown, they'll simply know you're not happy and they'll try to help instead of getting all offended because you're not sticking to the stereotyped script for the occasion. I can think of little more boring and depressing than being in a group of people who exchange nothing but sycophantic platitudes, never knowing the true human beings who hide behind their lonely masks. I don't see what they get out of it socially.

Yes, I come across as mean or rude when I am being socially overwhelmed. It's gotten better over the years, as I have more "programs" to use in social settings. Also, I find that imitating the person I am talking to, helps.

I think everyone gets a bit snappish when they're tired or overwhelmed. It's just that situations I find overwhelming aren't for most people, so they have trouble relating to it.

When I am feeling particularly socially overwhelmed, I actually do get rather irritable, because I just want to get the hell out of there. When you start getting one-word answers and see me stimming, don't block the door.

People dropping by unexpectedly is one of the fastest ways to p*ss me off, it's almost impossible for me to even pretend to be pleasant under circumstances like that.

I get verbally abusive and will rush up to people in an aggressive manor if I think they are starting with me. My drill sargeants loved this when I was in basic. They would yell "AHHHHH s**t, you did it now, here he comes." They told me there was several privates I would get a free pass on but I had to leave everyone else alone.

My friends seem to pick up on my evil moods and ask people not to talk to me or to leave me alone.

That's amazing. When I was in basic I would go completely robot and tune them out when they were yelling in my face. If I didn't do that I would certainly laugh because that was funny to me. I think they all tried to get a reaction- the instructors. In the end they resorted to sneaking up and scaring me, which got them a shriek or two. I still don't know what they wanted from me- tears?

I try not to be rude to anyone. Whenever I'm socially overwhelmed, I usually just try to escape somewhere where there's not so many people or nobody at all and not talk to anybody.

That is so cool! That was how I handled basic, too. Sometimes I would lose it,though, and start laughing uncontrollably. So, they would set me to doing push ups or sit-ups, as a punishment.

the drills smoked us no matter what.

Agreed!

I was really obssessed with the military that is why I signed up. They made me a squad leader since I was never late, did what I was told, and memorized all the important areas on the base and quickest routes to get there, They also used me to as the suppervisor for the punishment jobs because I was a lot bigger than most of the guys I was in basic with and was not afraid to scream at people. (Thanks Dad). I did not do well with the run and they so they were going to restart me through basic training and I said no so they sent me home. My drill sargeants were very suprised when I did not want to stay or restart basic training.

Nope, I don't get rude/mean when I get scared or nervous, I just say nothing and stay blank or mutter (which I hardly do, but if I did, that's one of the things I would do).

I get rude.
I find people waste of time and energy, so I'm quiet, but I think of the most horrible tortures. I behave more and more agressive and finally I explode.
Or I think about the words to tell someone, f.e. You piss me off, shut up and get out of here! and I tell it, loud, clear and harsh. But sometimes I'm really pissed off and I think this and I really want to tell it, but I tell See ya zat kettle? So f..k off as quick as ya can befohrrr I hit ya vit zat! My voice sounds like growling and object usually goes away, even if doesn't understand me. It feels really strange, because I speak it automatically, subconscious. I don't like this. I had similar situation last Thursday.

Sometimes object is rude and agressive, but I'm calm and reply with loud valium-like voice Be quiet, yelling means helplessness. Don't behave like a chav. I don't care about your complexes. Usually works.

Last edited by Valoyossa on 05 May 2010, 2:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The other day I was in a part of town I wasn't familiar with and I was trying to get on the interstate. I saw an exit and entrance ramp side by side and proceeded to the entrance ramp. The person I was with saw a "one way" sign and said "this is one way" and that sent a bolt of terror through me. Turns out it wasn't for the entrance ramp we were on, but the one beside ours. Still it really scared me and I yelled "don't backseat drive you are scaring me!". I didn't want to yell but I was really freaked out. I guess I yell and get snippy when I am scared or startled.