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serenity
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08 May 2010, 10:55 pm

I like to be told when I'm doing a good job at something, and to get genuine positive feedback. I find that it perks me up, and even motivates me to work harder when I receive a compliment, or am validated for something, My 8 yo HFA son lives for positive feedback. Praise means more to him then getting an actual tangible reward. Even my severely autistic son gets super excited when you make a big deal out of something he's done by clapping and telling him what a good job he did.

However, I've heard some people on the spectrum say that praise, and compliments don't influence them at all, and they couldn't care less about what others think. How is it for you? Does it feel good, bad, or indifferent for you?



Descartes
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08 May 2010, 11:14 pm

I like receiving praise and compliments. They boost my self-esteem. :)



pschristmas
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09 May 2010, 12:05 am

I like compliments, but I'm never quite sure what to do with them, so they make me a bit uncomfortable. I say thank you, of course, but that never quite seems adequate for some reason.

The other day someone complimented my ability at something. I said, "well, thank you." Then he very firmly said, "Well, it's true." I really wasn't sure how to respond to that.



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09 May 2010, 12:13 am

I like compliments but I feel people give em to me when I do not deserve em just to be nice. Like when I do a chore I'm not good at doing; my mom tells me I did a good job but latter I catch her redoing it after. I wish compliments I got wer honest but I feel most people only give em when they want something or to make me feel good


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catherineconns
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09 May 2010, 12:34 am

I don't really like compliments. They make me uncomfortable for many reasons, such as:

1. If I can't back up the validity of a compliment given to me with tangible evidence, then I tend to question whether the compliment is genuine or whether the person is just being nice. For example: many people including choir directors and the like had told me for years that I had a nice singing voice. However, since this isn't something easily verified (I don't trust my own biased perception), I was hesitant to believe them. It wasn't until I received a music scholarship, and through it a tangible dollar amount of how much my vocal talents were worth, that I was convinced.

2. There seems to be a social protocol of eventual reciprocity when it comes to compliments. When people give compliments, they are making an investment that they expect to gain esteem in the eyes of the recipient, hopefully resulting in a return compliment at some point. I don't give compliments unless they are completely earned and important. So I worry that I will disappoint people. When strangers give compliments its even weirder, because they seem to expect me to become automatically more friendly with them because they've given a compliment. I don't know why this is.

3. I have no idea how to respond to a compliment. Many people that I know pretend that they don't deserve the compliment when on the receiving end. I don't understand why they do this if they do deserve it. The best I can do is just say "Thanks". That usually abruptly ends the conversation because the giver of the compliment tends to find that an inadequate response.



SamwiseGamgee
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09 May 2010, 12:45 am

I like compliments but they make me uncomfortable sometimes because I don't know how to react. I've recently lost a lot of weight and every time I go see family/grandparents/anybody-who-knows-me, they're all "wow you look great, you've really lost a lot of weight", which is fine because I'm proud of it, but I politely say thank you and they just keep going on about it, "I mean it, you look really good", often looking to others around them saying "doesn't she look great?" I don't like being the center of attention so this is a bit much and I usually mentally retreat when this goes on. And especially since I'm still not even close to my final goal of a healthy weight. Maybe when I get there I'll feel better about the compliments.

Actually no, I probably won't. I just remembered last weekend when I went to a dinner thing where everybody brings a meal (can't think of the word right now). And everybody was complimenting me on my salad, which made me happy because I worked hard on it. But I still felt awkward.

I think it's a self-esteem thing.

Edit: POTLUCK! It was a potluck dinner. Haha I hate that, when I forget the names for things.


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Philologos
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09 May 2010, 12:48 am

I am very slow GIVING praise - it has to be really special, AND I have to be very comfortable, giving i=opinions about someone is to me intensely personal.

Receiving compliments - not in public, please. And in private, unless I am convinced the praise is solidly deserved AND coing from someone who knows what is what, I just feel cheapened.

I have, though, asn inlaw who is so designed as to launch into extravagant praise on almost anything, with little discrimination and less expertise. In her case, it is okay. It is a natural phenomenon, like birdsong, totally innocent, I take it as part off being her and do not apply it to myself.

But if A or B or C - solid knowing people, wbhom I might well praise myself - if they praise me, I do feel good.



pschristmas
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09 May 2010, 1:02 am

Philologos wrote:
I am very slow GIVING praise - it has to be really special...


Oh, boy, I know this one. The most dangerous question in the world? "Hey, pschristmas! Look what I did/ bought/ made with my own two hands and ingenuity! What do you think of it?" :wall:

I am learning to stop, think, and deliver praise first, but it's a recent thing. :oops:



fiddlerpianist
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09 May 2010, 1:03 am

I love sincere praise and compliments much more so than tangible forms of appreciation. Even if I don't believe the compliment ("You're the best fiddler in the world!"), I've learned that those types of comments are reflections on how the person feels, and it makes me happy to no end to see others happy because of things I have done.

Accepting compliments used to be very hard for me, as it would often put me in awkward conversations with people I didn't know or care to know. These days they can still make me uncomfortable, but I've learned some techniques to at least be graceful in accepting them.


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auntblabby
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09 May 2010, 1:09 am

the one bad thing about the approbation of others, is having or feeling the need to live up to it ever after.



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09 May 2010, 1:10 am

I don't mind receiving compliments, but it depends on what it is.....Like if someone says "hey, you smell really good" then it makes me happy. But someone telling me I did a good job on something doesn't matter. Things like art or writing a good riff on the guitar are things I judge myself on and no matter what anyone says whether its good or bad, it won't make any difference.


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09 May 2010, 1:11 am

Sort-of, but for different reasons. I am very conscientious and tend to be a perfectionist.

Instead of "compliment" I might need, at least initially, when working not wholly independently, some answer back - "Is this all right?" Etc.

Otherwise, I cannot know and that can be a blindspot for me. I appreciate constructive criticism for the same reason. If I am encouraged, I perform much better and with confidence. A blank response back leaves me somewhat vulnerable in unknowing.

Much like if one completes an assignment, for example, then ought to have the grade and response back to assess where I am. So, I do like a compliment (if it's deserved) and this spurs me along.

Conversely, abject discouragement by one who is judgmental/critical or simply does not know, can be crippling since I am conscientious.

Philologos, you have a very rational point (and, yes, I guess I'm complimenting you :) ). I like a fair compliment as well. For me, "fakey" comments (or compliments) are misguiding.

serenity, I know an Autistic at the local market (he's awesome!) and he loves a compliment! He thrives on attention and smiles when he's told he's good - and he is. OK, and he knows it! :) He loves to sing at work.

You're right when you wrote "genuine feedback." I'm that way too.



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09 May 2010, 1:15 am

pschristmas wrote:
Philologos wrote:
I am very slow GIVING praise - it has to be really special...


Oh, boy, I know this one. The most dangerous question in the world? "Hey, pschristmas! Look what I did/ bought/ made with my own two hands and ingenuity! What do you think of it?" :wall:

I am learning to stop, think, and deliver praise first, but it's a recent thing. :oops:


Hah hah! That's like, "Do I look fat in this dress?" And the answer is........ :oops:
If you want the truth, ask an Aspie.



bonuspoints
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09 May 2010, 1:27 am

pschristmas wrote:
I like compliments, but I'm never quite sure what to do with them, so they make me a bit uncomfortable. I say thank you, of course, but that never quite seems adequate for some reason.

The other day someone complimented my ability at something. I said, "well, thank you." Then he very firmly said, "Well, it's true." I really wasn't sure how to respond to that.


Therein lies my difficulty as well. Most of the time I would rather a simple acknowledgment of something done adequately and then move the conversation forward. To praise or acknowledge something more than once is very awkward.


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matt
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09 May 2010, 3:08 am

If I am learning how to do something and someone tells me that the way I am doing it is correct, that makes me happy.

If I ask whether something is correct or okay, then if the person tells me honestly that it is then that makes me happy, too.

In other situations, when someone gives me a compliment I am often confused. I sometimes don't understand that what they are saying is intended as a compliment until they specifically tell me, and then I'm sometimes confused as to why they consider whatever the compliment praised as better than alternatives. Some people seem to give many compliments to make other people like them, and sometimes I'm also not sure whether a compliment was actually intended to inform me or whether the person is trying to make me like them. Rather than make me like them, since I don't know how to respond I'm uncomfortable and am more likely to avoid them.

I am very vulnerable to criticism. When someone tells me that I have made or am making a mistake or when someone says something that I understand as an insult or criticism it is "crippling", as LabPet said. I also have trouble telling the difference between "friendly joking", constructive criticism and intentionally hurtful criticism. If someone I think of as nice says something I think is critical of me it seems that it would be taken as an insult, but I have been told that it's not necessarily.

In the same way, if someone else has made a joke about something about themself, I would sometimes say something similar but not intend it to be hurtful and then be told that I went too far.



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09 May 2010, 3:14 am

I don't have any problem with compliments as such, but I often receive praise for work I think isn't very special, which is awkward. I generally just acknowledge it with an "Oh. Thanks." type of remark. I suppose my peers have made it so the bar is set very, very low.