body language

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I recently visited with a very close friend that I've known for years. We only see each other a few times a year these days, though we communicate regularly via Facebook. There is nothing I couldn't tell her--she's just one of those open, accepting people and she knows how to gently correct my behavior when I get obnoxious instead of taking it personally. She doesn't seem to be anywhere even close to the autism spectrum or broader autism phenotype, but she is still a social outcast, living on the fringe of society. While she socializes more than me and doesn't have a malicious bone in her body, by most people's standards she's an antisocial, shockingly amoral, tax-dodging hermit. How lucky to have found such a wonderful friend!

Anyway, we were discussing body language the other day in light of my recent self-diagnosis--she said that she is exquisitely sensitive to body language, and so I asked her what my own body language says. She explained that I just give off a general air of confidence, basically. She said she had always been amazed that I could be so confident when we were interacting with people who were communicating very threatening signals. We had a good laugh when I told her that it was probably because I'd been completely oblivious and hadn't noticed any hostile signals at all!

She also said that one of the reasons she spends so much time alone at home is because it is so overwhelming for her to be with people that are constantly giving off all of these intense and often emotion-laden messages. Whereas I find being with a group of people exhausting for my own set of reasons, she is exhausted in this same situation by the sheer volume of subtext that she has to deal with. The feeling that this gives her sounds very similar to what I feel in times of sensory overload, and it sounds like the "noise level" of the nonverbal communication can be so high that it drowns out the actual words people are saying and so she has trouble putting it all together in a meaningful way. Perhaps one of the reasons we are so close is that I don't give off all of that loud nonverbal communication and so she doesn't have to put up a mental shield or filter around me. Whatever the reasons, somehow we are able to communicate extremely well.

Does anyone else have a friend like this?

I do - my wife is hypersensitive to emotional signals. She's been diagnosed with social anxiety, as a result. She is phenomenal at getting along with people in a small team environment though. She's always the most liked team member and the one team leaders look to as someone to count on for help leading.

I think that's one of the reasons she and I are a perfect match.

But sometimes I end up causing her to be frustrated because she thinks I'm sending X signal when I'm really not aware of any given expression, tone, gesture that I am doing.

When she thinks you are sending X signal, is she ever right about what she thinks you are feeling? That's something I've been wondering about--how often do I give off signals that don't reflect what I am thinking/feeling? How often do I unknowingly give off signals that do accurately reflect what I'm thinking/feeling?

At the very least, discovering that I suck at nonverbal communication has helped me see why my interactions with people frequently result in misunderstandings. It would be nice to think this is something I could get better at, but I suspect that even if I got really good at reading/sending nonverbal signals it would still be impossible to do actually do so in real time.

No, it's never correct. The frustration I think is primarily because she thinks I'm giving an angry or accusing look/tone/gesture/pace.

It's just the emotive response it causes her to have, and I'm sending them without intending to or having any root feeling of such attached.

I have the same problem with my husband! I don't know if he's excpetionally sensitive to body language, I just know that he gets me wrong all the time. I figure this is more my problem than his. I have no comprehension of body langauge or nonverbal communication, so I probably send out signals that any NT would read a certain way without meaning to. For example, whenever I'm truly shocked by something, he'll snap, "Don't get indignant!" as my tone apparently carries an indignant sound over a shocked sound. It does cause arguments sometimes, when he perceives me as using a harsh or aggressive tone and posture about something when I think I'm just asking an ordinary question or making a neutral request. He gets harsh back, and I'm left wondering what I've done!

One thing my husband is very good at--he frequently seems to notice when I'm getting irritable and hungry before I do (hunger always makes me irritable). He then laughs and pats me on the head, saying "It's time for your feeding, isn't it?" It probably saves us a lot of silly little arguments.

Body language is a very strange language.

My soon-to-be 16 year old brother is very perceptive of body language. He can read my emotions clear as day, even when there's only the slightest change in my expression (such as pupil dilation). It gets really annoying when he continually asks me why I'm feeling the way I am.