Aspergers and lying....a question

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I've posted this in some other forums, but I'm posting it here as well, cos I'd like as much advice as I can get.

I'm an Aspie in a longterm relationship with another Aspie. Most of the time, we get on wonderfully with eachother....really, it's beyond wonderful to be with someone who's similarly 'odd' and who doesn't require explanations for every idiosynchrasy you might have. However, he does have one massive problem that I have little tolerance for....lying. Not necessarily about big things, but most often about totally inconsequential, BS things, as well as making up ridiculous stories that no one would ever believe, for no good reason. He's copped to it, and says it's a problem he has a hard time controlling. I spoke to one other (male) Aspie a few years ago, who spoke of having a similar problem, but I wrote him off as a totally different kind of nut, and actually STOPPED speaking to him because of this problem. I'm beginning to wonder, though, is this an issue with others who have Aspergers? I have no concept of it, given the fact that I'm one of those brutally honest Aspies who has a hard time keeping the truth to herself, even when she SHOULD....and did assume this was typical of us.

So what I mean to ask is, does anyone here have this lying problem, or know someone else with Aspergers who DOES? And if so, how to handle it? Cos this boy is getting on my last nerve!

I had this big big problem when I was a kid, and it caused me no end of social grief. I sincerely felt I had no control over it, and didn't understand why I did it. When I was in Jr. High or so, I began to recognize it as a serious problem I had that needed correcting, and I weened myself off of it.
One thing I did was admit to my close friend that I had a problem with lying and told her that whenever I said something questionable, that she should question whether or not it was true, and I would be able to tell her whether or not it was.
Convaluted as it sounds, it worked...Granted..it helped permenantly damage one of the only functional female-female friendships I ever managed to have...but it was a habit I had to nip in the bud...it took a while though.


I believe the lying was a coping mechanism I had that helped me deal with my inablity to relate to other people in any real way. It was a very bad coping mechanism.

Honesty is a trait that I value most so I cannot stand compulsive liars. I have no respect for them especially when they do so to cause trouble for other people.

I had a boyfriend that use to try to lie his way out of alot of things. He had no conscience about it.

I ended up telling him, "I never want to see you again."

I do not do this at all. And I would not be able to tolerate it. Small or big, any lies are a deal-breaker in my book.

I prefer 120% honesty, but I'd settle for 100%

That makes sense

I can only tell the smallest of lies (teeny weeny white lies) and maybe with twisting the truth a little and avoid answering a question that coud lead to a lie. other than them i just can't lie its one of the AS traits yh?

Always lying and being brutally honest are part of the same continuum. I used to be a liar, about the stupidest things sometimes, even when it would actually be easier to just tell the truth. Who knows how it started, I suspect just a fear of being honest, but I know now its a really bad coping mechanism that is now really counterproductive. You might suggest this to your friend. Btw, I get peeved at those people who think being brutally and hurtfully honest is necessary for their well-being and the other person's too. Different ends of the same continuum.

Ron

I can't think quickly enough to be able to bulls**t anyone, except the blandest kind of white lie like, "Sorry, my boss is away from her desk at the moment," if she doesn't want to take a cold call or something.

My brain sort of defaults to the truth... there's no capacity or ability or inclination there. If I have to try to make up some crap on the spot, I can't. I can't improvise like that.

I don't see how. Most liars are trouble makers and/or thieves. This is not an AS trait.

I cannot lie, even when I probably SHOULD, so of course, this problem is completely foreign to me. As for being on the receiving end of lies, I find it maddening, and massively insulting, as it's a direct implication that I'm too bloody stupid to figure out the truth.

I have decided to take this approach for now with him, because as I said, he DID cop to lying compulsively about stupid, inconsequential things, and I really do hope it works as well with him as it did with you. I figure if this IS a result of his Aspergers, he should be able to wean himself off it the same way I had to wean myself off so many less-than-ideal habits I had in the past that hindered my progress.



This was pretty much his explanation, when I asked him what the hell he was thinking, saying these things. I cannot imagine having this issue, but it's interesting to know other people have the same compulsion. He also believes it's some sort of subconscious coping mechanism, especially since the tendency to do it gets stronger if he's stressed out either overall or in a given situation.

See, THIS I can relate to!

Hell, I even have problems with little white lies like the ones you refer to....and when I do manage to get them out, people can always tell I'm lying!

I am overly honest, to say the least. That doesn't mean that I haven't lied, because I have conjured a "truth" or two in my time, but I prefer honesty more than anything.

I know two people who aren't currently diagnosed with anything except for being liars. One of them definitely has AS symptoms: talks to himself (when he thinks he can't be heard), somewhat pedantic, social outcast (not really a "symptom" if you ask me as much as a sign), awkward movements (posture, running, use of hands and fingers).. The other, well, he claims he didn't speak until he was 3 years old.. These two people are BOTH liars. The first one lies all the time, and the second one lies all the time. LIARS!

I get on the second ones case all the time about lying. I don't like it.. I shouldn't have to question my friends on every single thing just because they are known compulsive liars.

I lie a lot. It is the one NT thing I picked up. I even about what I had for dinner although I have know idea why i'm doin it. My dad can always tell when I'm lying but I can fool others

What I mean is that I prefer that someone not just answer my questions honestly or ect but actually volunteer information, what they think and how they feel. 100% honesty is just equal to not telling a lie. 120% is actually spontaneously sharing yourself and your opinions with the other person even if you haven't been asked. (I just made that up right now but that is what I meant when I wrote that.)

That is what I prefer. I don't want anything to be hidden or kept inside. This attitude doesn't fly well with NT's though.

I agree, 120%!

Unfortunately, NTs do not appreciate this approach AT ALL, and it's gotten me into a lot of trouble in the past.

I hardly ever lie any more. I can do it quite well if I 'need' to, or I used to be able to - whether I still can or not I don't know. I don't like lying.