should I tell other family members my dad has apsergers

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aspdaughter
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11 Jun 2010, 11:44 pm

I am 36 years old and just realized my 70 year old father definitely has aspergers, which explains so much, but is also making me feel very disturbed. My family has many issues and I know that telling my parents would be disastrous but I really want to tell my sister. The problem is that I know she will be equally disturbed by this info and I don't know if it would be an unfair burden. Any thoughts?



CockneyRebel
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12 Jun 2010, 12:01 am

I think that your dad would be really ticked off, if you were to go around, telling people behind his back, and he found out. I know how fathers think.


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CockneyRebel
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12 Jun 2010, 12:02 am

Welcome to WrongPlanet, by the way. :)


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kia_williams
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12 Jun 2010, 1:09 am

Over the decades of watchign this weird wonderful chaos maths embodying thing loosely termed NT society, ive learned one BIGGY rule as someone who's AS.

Becareful with the truth, DO NOT give away others information especially if it could be used too or its disclosure could harm them without very good cause ( I.E mitigating future majour harm).

welcome to wrong planet, next stop earth, but before we get there, One question.

Do you want to tell so you don't feel alone in this knowledge, do you want someone to share this with? its not unusual.

Be honest with yourself on this one.


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Seanmw
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12 Jun 2010, 2:15 am

why would it be disastrous?...


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Robdemanc
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12 Jun 2010, 5:00 am

It seems very likely that I have AS and I am sure my father has it too. I am going to get a diagnosis for me and I have already told my mother that I probably have it. If I am diagnosed then I am going to tell my mother and others that I think my father has it too. So I am in a similar position to you.

I think if you tell them discreetly, and put it to them as a thought rather than stating is as fact will be ok. My family all have issues with my father so I don't know how they will take it either.



aspdaughter
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12 Jun 2010, 7:28 am

My mom is a borderline and happens to be holding onto her sanity by a thread so I really feel that this would be more than she can handle. Sometimes denial is a beautiful thing. As far as my sister goes, I think the other poster was right about it not being a great idea. To answer his question of course, I would be telling her mostly for selfish reasons. I am not my parents daughter for nothing.



happymusic
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12 Jun 2010, 11:01 am

Telling others without consulting your dad makes me think of being outed. But then, I could see consulting with your sister privately in searching for advice, especially if the two of you are close. The two of you could approach him, I guess. The trick is not to tell everyone and him be the last to find out. Seventy is still usually quite a capable age, he should be involved.



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12 Jun 2010, 11:43 am

I don't get why it would be disastrous either. Telling him you suspect he has a neurological (not psychological) disorder shared by many of the greatest minds in human history, and which would provide a perfectly sound explanation for his many quirky and difficult traits.... I was thoroughly relieved when I found an explanation for myself. Now, although I'm very good at assuming responsibility, I know that not everything is my fault! It's not my fault that I can't stand eating with other people, and I'm not making up the fact that the glass of Chardonnay reeks of olives, and there's a reason I wear these clothes all the time. Everyone is different, though, and maybe he would think "Defect" instead of "Fairly common neurological disorder which often renders those afflicted with extraordinary gifts along with the obstacles".



capriwim
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12 Jun 2010, 12:28 pm

I would say it's unnecessary to tell anyone. Your dad has survived to the age of 70, no doubt creating his own strategies as he goes along, and I find in my experience the older generation is often very wary of labels that weren't around in their day (my dad is still getting his head around the Asperger label for me, and prefers to call me eccentric, because he says that's how people like me used to be described).

I'm sure my grandad had Aspergers, but I never told him, because it wouldn't have enhanced his life. He'd learnt his own ways of dealing with life. I have mentioned it to one of my sisters, but only because that sister is very open to understanding Aspergers, and it was just a topic of interest. There was no necessity for me to tell anyone.

Is there a particular reason why you think it would be helpful to tell people? If I were you, I would think about what result I am hoping for and how realistic it is that I will achieve this result by telling people.


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Skyjester
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12 Jun 2010, 12:58 pm

I don't think it's really your place to tell others about your father. Unless he receives or needs specialized senior care of course.

I wouldn't want one of my family members to go around telling everyone I know (if I knew anyone) that have it. It would be my place to tell others, not her's.

I don't know if it would disastrous if you did, but it might cause a lot of problems between you and your father. Unless you already hate your father, then I wouldn't want to make his final years ones of conflict and strife.


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