I Feel So Normal... By Myself

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I've been on vacation from work now for five days now and it's like I have completely forgotten about my recent AS diagnosis. I feel that I function just like an NT: I'm getting tasks completed in a normal manner, I can chat and text people... even (occasionally) talk on the phone, just like everyone else. I can smile and laugh at things on the TV and Internet... Spent a little time with a long-time friend (not a close one; I only have one of those), but I laughed at jokes... and so on... And eventually I think... "You know what? There is NO way I am anywhere near the autistic spectrum."

But then.... I'll have to do things the way others want me to and I'll have to interact with people that I have not chosen to interact with... and it's all completely different.

I guess it's the "feeling great alone" as opposed to "feeling great with others, out in the world," that makes all the difference.

This is because you are happy, and happiness is what really matters, not performing like an NT. Within our limits and provided that there is some social support, we can be happy too.

I experience this a lot. It was even worse before I found out about AS, because I'd be in my own little bubble feeling confident, then I'd step out into the world again, thinking that things will be different this time, and of course they wouldn't. Then I wondered if I had bipolar, because of the happiness, and well being that I'd feel alone when things were going so well, only to hit an extreme low when I tried to get out with others.

Since my recent diagnosis I've realized that if left to my own devices AS would pose very little of a problem for me. It's interacting with others in a world that I find seriously overstimulating that causes most of the problems for me.

Dyingofpoetry, did you take a vacation because of your recent diagnosis? I'm just wondering because I was also recently diagnosed and took a vacation afterward. I felt I needed some time to process what I'd found out. I am still on vacation now and, like you described, have felt that I am much more able to function in NT society than a diagnosis of Asperger's would seem to imply.

However, over the weekend I went out of town to a concert and the forced interaction with people in a strange city and the crowds & noise caused me to become overstimulated. This drove home the fact that my feeling autistic or feeling closer to NT is completely situational. Now that I know about AS, the difference has been that overstimulation doesn't always lead to a meltdown because I understand why it's happening and take myself out of the situation or use some other coping mechanism. Before I knew I was an aspie, I might have felt like I needed to force myself through a social situation in order to "fit in" and be "normal."

I had to take a vacation or else lose my time off, however, I did also need it so that I could process.

As I've gotten older, I have become more reclusive and I've isolated myself. That would be MY coping mechanism... SparrowRose said it's "autistic burnout." That's exactly how I feel. I had done so much in my past, before I knew about the AS (directing theatre, traveling abroad) that I just can't handle any more. Being a writer, I don't think reclusiveness is a serious problem, but also being a teacher, I DO have to go out and I only have more stress. It helps if I travel with my close friend who can essentially "take the bullets" for me.

But alone... I feel perfectly normal!

Emotional state and what affects that can have a big difference in how you function depending on the situation.

One does so understand. I am the norm, I operate quite effectively. It is just that the MAJORITY "norm" makes working normally very difficult...

If truly dying of poetry, what for you is / is not poetry? This has by me been a vexed question many a long year.

Very true. I don't always feel normal by myself, either. For example, right now I'm trying to study for an exam. I can concentrate for about 10 minutes, and my mind wanders to something else very shortly after. I usually start doing some repetitive movement while being distracted. As this point, I am reminded why I do the repetitive movements, and why I always think about certain things repetitively, and why as a result, it's so hard for me to concentrate.

If I'm doing something that corresponds to, or encourages, my inner thoughts, though, I can focus for hours and at that point, I would feel relatively normal. The only time I truly feel normal, though. is when I'm engaging with my social circle. While not all of them are autistic, they are not exactly what you call "typical", either. Plus, most of them are way older than me. When I talk to them about certain subjects, and we can go on for hours, I feel completely happy and normal. When I am forced to interact with my peer group at school, I once again realize how socially awkward I am. The sensory thing, too. School halls are noisy and I constantly get bothered by sudden sounds. It makes me exhausted and even more withdrawn.

In response to your statement, YES! That is it exactly. Very well-put.

In reponse to your question, poetry is the expression of emotion through words. Expression and emotion are both difficult for me, combine them and it's high adventure. I manage to do fairly well though... but heaven knows I'm not prolific.

I feel normal when I'm by myself, too.

I feel normal when I am by myself and when I am not doing some schoolwork I hate. Its weird because I always picture myself having no problems socializing but when I am there, ...its a different story. I find myself not being in control of where the conversation steers and then I keep silent, hoping that the conversation will eventually come back to the way I want it to be.

I get that. I'll be thinking "but I don't feel disabled!", then I'll get overloaded by a fairly uncrowded environment, or I'll get so stressed over a change in routine that I hit myself in the head, or something else similar will happen, and the "I'm perfectly functional" feeling stops.

For me solo time is a prerequisite. After spending a few hours out and about doing my daily routines, it's typical of me to begin feeling as though I were being pulled apart by too much of this, that, and everything else in between. But it's those quiet moments in my room that pull me together and give me some semblance of normality.

I'm off school for the summer so pretty much all I'm doing right now is spending time alone pursuing my interests, and I've been having many moments where I doubt anything is wrong with me at all. But then I spend four hours with my brother and need recharge time. Then my sister changes plans on me and I shutdown. Then I remember when school was still in session how alien I felt around social groups and how much I reveled in being anonymous.