I don't know what's wrong with me.

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About three years ago I was seeing a shrink. Very condescending woman. I hated her. Her assistant, however, was delightful and allowed me to pace the room and touch things to my hearts desire (nervous habits I suppose). She was the one who suggested to my psychiatrist that I needed to be assessed for AS. That never happened. We could not afford it.

I have read about AS. I have made friends in various places on the spectrum. We have simularities and differences. A lot of the time, though, when I read what they say...and about what goes on with them I find myself thinking "No. I definately do not have AS.". I am not sure what to make of this. Most of the people that I know (with AS) are male or severely affected. So...maybe that is why I don't feel like I fit. I am female. I don't have any issues with bathing or other self help skills. I don't lack the ability to understand that my mother would be sad if I ditched her to go somewhere else instead of visiting my grandmother. And yet...at the same time...I am socially oblivious. Sure, I get things that most find glaringly obvious, but I cant seem to pick up on the more subtle things. I have sensory issues. Mainly with sound. High pitched noises freak me out and I don't really know why. It embarasses me. I dislike being touched...but lots of perfectly normal people dislike that as well.

I am fairly adept at pretending to be fairly skilled at The Social. I am so good at it that I tend to forget that it is all an act and try to "wing it"...which shatters my carefully constructed guise. But I wonder....is anyone really good at it? Or is everyone acting? That is possible. Maybe NO ONE knows what they are doing. Maybe it is all a big script for everyone. I say this because...that is what I am told by my relatives. That it is not easy for anyone and that I just need to "get out there" and "get over my issues". Maybe they are right and I am just doing everything on purpose.

I don't know anymore. To be honest I never have.

I tend to wear certain clothing based on how they feel. I wear hoodies all year round because I recieved a sweater in Kindergarten and noticed that I prefered to have the feeling of something heavy and long sleeved on me as opposed to feeling the air. Before that...I had no idea that there was anything but that icky feeling of the wind. I felt safer in my sweater. Prior to that...I always wore whatever I was given to wear. Maybe that was my fault. The change. Because the hoodie thing....that causes problems in my life. When you look weird (which one does when one wears a hoody of a sweater in the summer) it gives people the right to mock you. Maybe I could have choses not to need that. The pressure. The safety. Maybe I DO do it all on purpose. Subconsciously. I don't know.

I used to lie under my mattress for the pressure. That upset my mother and every relative that later found out about it. They said that I do weird things for attention. I am not aware of trying to get attention...but it is possible that they are right. Anything is possible.

The shrinks assistant could have been wrong. I don't know and I likely never will. This was just a rant. I don't care if you have any input. I am just trying...to think.

This probably won't help but you posted so I assume you're after an external perspective.

I really don't think, from an internalistic inner identity point of view, you should worry about AS and whether you have it or not, ever since I was diagnosed I found sometimes I'd let the AS take over; everything would be "AS this" and "AS that" and it was almost as if I became my symptoms. I feel everyone's world is different, I mean you said yourself those you spoke had some similarities and some didn't, how can you realistically attach a reliable, general tag on that?

So no, I think worrying heavily about what you do and do not have is paramount to self-destructive behaviour, I know this will sound helluva cliche but be proud of who you are and all that makes up you, be that some traits which run parallel with an "AS" mind and those that do not, don't let that stop you doing what, in your heart, feels right.

I do feel a diagnosis may get your family off your back, and maybe even find assistance (although I've never found satisfactory assistance but it doesn't mean it's not out there) the only reason that they're doing what they're doing is because obviously your behavior doesn't match their idea of "normal" behaviour. Otherwise you'd just be paying for someone in a costume to come along and tell you you now belong to a group with similar traits to you (you may as well pay someone to come and tell you you're human ).

Either way I hope you manage to find yourself within yourself .

Ask your self, ask your intuition, your little voice. "Is this right?"

In fact, everyone isn't acting. Took me a while to realize this. Not everyone has to fight to stay in the real world like an Aspie does, many people just wake up feeling like they fit in everyday and aren't worried about the day's first social interaction.

Of course, there are many NTs who are introverted and feel the same way. Just depends on how many AS traits you have. It really never occurred to me that there are so many people who REALLY do enjoy socializing, though, They don't have to put on a mask because they have nothing to hide.

darn